How the bible should've ended

Robocop is one of the few movies of which a modern remake could be awesome, and I’d much rather see Aronofsky’s take on this than that boring-ass Jackie Kennedy project he’s doing.  However, MTV recently spoke to original Robocop director Paul Verhoeven (who went on to direct Total Recall, Basic Instinct, Showgirls, Starship Troopers, and Hollow Man), who seems to think a remake is a bad idea.  Tell us why, you insane Dutchman, you:

How you do [a remake] now, you’d have to go into all of the digital world, and I’m not sure that would improve the soul of the movie, you know?  The point of Robocop, of course, it is a Christ story.  It is about a guy who gets crucified in the first 50 minutes, and then is resurrected in the next 50 minutes, and then is like the supercop of the world, but is also a Jesus figure as he walks over water at the end.  Walking over water was in the steel factory in Pittsburgh, and there was water there, and I put something just underneath the water so he could walk over the water and say that wonderful line, “I am not arresting you anymore.” Meaning, I’m going to shoot you.  And that is of course the American Jesus.

Interesting. I always just assumed Robocop was a cyborg Travis Bickle.  But he’s actually a Christ figure. Who dies, gets resurrected, and then, instead of sacrificing himself for the sins of humanity, he levitates over a puddle in a steel factory and shoots a chick.  You have to admit… That’s actually a way better story. If we got Verhoeven and Mel Gibson to collaborate on a sequel to Passion of the Christ, I would help finance it myself.

Read the rest of this entry »

Danny McBride will star in Hench, based on (what else) a graphic novel about “a football player who suffers a career-ending injury and needs a job. He signs on as henchman to a successful villain.”  McBride will co-write with Eastbound & Down co-writer Shawn Harwell.  So, pretty much Eastbound & Down the movie then. I’m okay with that.  Danny McBride may not be athletic, but the man can sure swear. [Variety]

Columbia pictures bought the rights to the story of that dude who surrendered himself to Somali pirates in exchange for his crew’s freedom.  Sounds good, but… wasn’t this already a South Park episode?  [THR]

20th Century Fox hired Paul Verhoeven (Total Recall, Starship Troopers) to direct The Surrogate (not to be confused with The Surrogates). “Based on the 2004 book by Kathryn Mackel, the story centers on a couple desperate to have a child who find themselves in an unbearable position when they find out the surrogate they hired to carry their baby is insane.”  Uh… don’t all pregnant chicks go insane?  Anyway, Fox and Verhoeven is a good relationship, because no one can do trash like Paul Verhoeven.  I ordered a “Verhoeven” at a Dutch brothel once.  Once.  [THR]

BOOM! Studios (which is disappointingly unaffliated with Michael Bay) is doing a comic book called “Die Hard: Year One” about the adventures of John McClane before he yippie kai yayed Hans Gruber’s foreign ass off the Nakatomi Towers.  Let’s hope it stays a comic book.  Though I can already see the Fox execs moving their leg around like a dog when you rub its tummy. [ComicsContinuum via /Film]

Paul Verhoeven, director of such films as Hollow Man, Starship Troopers, Showgirls, Basic Instinct, Total Recall, and Robocop, is planning to publish a heavily-researched, revisionist biography of Jesus in September.

The Dutch filmmaker, who has had a lifelong ambition to make a film about Jesus based on scientific research, claims that Jesus’ father was probably a Roman soldier who raped Mary during the Jewish uprising in Galilee. He also claims that Christ was not betrayed by Judas Iscariot. [Yahoo/HR]

Verhoeven goes on to say that contrary to modern depictions, Buddha actually had three breasts, and that Scientology overlord Xenu is a really just a malformed Siamese twin growing out of Tom Cruise’s side. Scientists are calling it the Kuato Theory. 

In retrospect I suppose that headline was a bit sensationalist.

Paul Verhoeven (Basic Instinct, Total Recall, Robocop, Hollow Man, Starship Troopers) will be directing a sequel to 1999’s The Thomas Crown Affair, a movie that combined the originality of a heist flick with the sexiness of old people screwing.  I never saw it, but it’s going on my Netflix queue as soon as I get through Osmosis Jones.

Verhoeven revealed his plans on the Dutch radio program Met Het Oog Op Morgen.  Reportedly, Pierce Brosnan will be back, but Angelina Jolie will be replacing Rene Russo as the lead in… The Topkapi Affair.

Of the project, Verhoeven said, “Meep bop blurp poop moog blep burg,” which is Dutch for “Angelina Jolie is a total piece of ace.  Watching her teach third world children to operate an iPod gives me a total iRod, you know what I’m sayin’ kemosabe?”  (despite sounding like retarded gibberish, Dutch is a very efficient language).

Bonus: Check out the original Ebert and Roeper some guy review here