It’s always nice to see Robert DeNiro when he’s not starring alongside Katherine Heigl or getting stabbed in the penis (for laughs!), and by that measure, Being Flynn is already a success. Based on a memoir by Nick Flynn (which I didn’t read, but saw Flynn read an excerpt of once and it was excellent), it stars Paul Dano as Flynn, a 20-something dude who crosses paths with his estranged father while working at a homeless shelter. It’s a shame they couldn’t use the original title of the memoir, Another Bullshit Night in Suck City, because that’s about as good a title as you’re going to get without bringing in jetpacks or velociraptors.

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Cowboys and Aliens is an absurdist pastiche of overused action movie tropes (Bourne in the old west! With aliens!), which is occasionally compelling, if only for the sheer audacity of plot choices. That is to say, it’s ridiculous. And I’m a big fan of the ridiculous (see also: Lieutenant, Bad; Werner Herzog version of). I just wish Cowboys and Aliens‘ preposterousness wasn’t so couched in pre-fabricated stories and characters. It’s a lot like Lost, but even black smoke monsters and polar bears seemed more fresh than Cowboys, Indians, aliens, rocket hands, and amnesia. It plays like a producer brainstorming session that never got edited, which makes it all the more shocking that no one turns out to be a vampire or a hot cyborg lesbian (spoiler alert).

It’s hard to believe Lost exec producer Damon Lindelof had five co-writers, because the whole thing reeks of black smoke musk, from the character daddy issues driving every single plot point right down to the fat-faced kid with a dog who seems totally unnecessary to the plot. I imagine the writers meeting went something like this:

Alex Kurtzman: Cowboys!

Robert Orci: Indians! Aliens! James Bond! Indiana Jones–

Steve Oedekirk: (*loud gurgle, extended fart sound followed by terrible stench. the rest of the gang rolls his wheelchair outside before continuing*)

Lindelof: Amnesia! Religious themes! Re-incarnation–

Iron Man writers Mark Fergus and Hawk Ostby: [together] ROCKET HANDS! (*they smash their beer steins together, down the rest, and stomp off like the Bushwhackers*)

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The Good Heart from Magnolia Pictures stars Brian Cox as a curmudgeonly old fart who meets pussy emo twerp Paul Dano (There Will Be Blood) in the hospital and decides to turn him into a bartender, and not the Tom Cruise kind.  In some ways, it looks a little like indie movie by numbers — the gruff old mentor, the suicidal brat and his wounded dove love interest (“I got fired from my job as a stewardess.  I’m afraid to fly.”).   But maybe it’s worth forgiving, seeing as how it also stars a duck, a german shepherd, and most cuddly of all, Brian Cox.  I love Brian Cox so much.  He’s so awesome and gruff.  He’s like a walking PSA for how to treat a hooker.

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In Gigantic, Paul Dano plays a quirky mattress salesman who falls in love with free spirit Zooey Deschanel when her unconventional father figure John Goodman buys a non-traditional bed – but life is so complicated when you have a trust fund!  Based on the book you bought at Urban Outfitters.  Okay, I’m kidding about that last part.  I think.  Anyway, as I’ve mentioned, I think Zooey Deschanel is cute as hell.  I can’t decide if I want to f-ck her or nuzzle her.  But I’m confused as to how this isn’t the exact same movie as 500 Days of Summer.  Poor Zooey, her agent keeps getting her parts where she falls in love with hipster pussies. We all know what she really wants is man’s man like me, who wears cutoff jean shorts and drives a pickup with an axe rack. Come on, baby, lemme split that log.
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Hey Hey, JLA, why the hell are you still being made? – According to Variety, Justice League of America is back in pre-production and planned for a 2009 debut.  They mention Adam Brody playing The Flash, Common as the Green Lantern, Armie Hammer as Batman, and Megan Gale as Wonderwoman.  Sadly, still no word on the status of Green Arrow.   This epic pile of shit just won’t be complete without fruity dude in a green smock shooting bad guys with a boxing-glove arrow.  I say we get Renny Harlin to direct. 

Superhero Movie Has a Poster – Hey, Pam Anderson’s in it!  They needed a hot chick, and naturally they chose a hepatitis-infected 40-year-old with 12 kids from different fathers.  Based on that kind of judgement, I’m sure this will be swell. 

Barack Obama Wants Will Smiff to Play Him – Dude, think of your legacy!  You gotta go Morgan Freeman on this one.  The man practically sweats gravitas.

4 Fast 4 Furious Set Photos – Here’s Vin Diesel and Paul Walker "acting" in a "sequel" to "The Fast and the Furious".  I think we all know there’s no film in those cameras.  "I need you to get me some serious work!" Paul Walker was heard screaming into the wallet he pretends is a cell phone at his imaginary agent.

The Rock is Playing the Tooth Fairy – Dear Mr. Rock: No one will ever call you Dwayne Johnson when you do movies like this.  Let’s face it, you’re a poor man’s Macho Man Randy Savage.  OH YEEEAHHH!  

That Kid From There Will Be Blood to Exec Produce – Paul Dano will star in and executive produce Gigantic.  When reached for comment, that kid from Dazed and Confused just grabbed the bridge of his nose and shook his head.  (After a quick google search) Holy shit, his name’s "Wiley Wiggins"?  Some parents he’s got.

Pictures of Cameron Diaz’ Box – Haha, tricked you.  She’s actually just starring in a movie called The Box.  You didn’t care either way, did you.  Me neither.