You haven’t been depressed until you’ve seen 900 words in the L.A. Times dedicated to Paul Blart: Mall Cop. Most of them explain why it’s performed so unexpectedly well at the box office (I could explain that in two words: no competition), but the last two paragraphs reveal some news about the principals’ upcoming plans:

What’s less clear is when Paul Blart might save the day again. James has been developing the comedy “Zookeeper” at MGM and may soon costar in a new Sandler comedy for Sony.
“Happy Madison historically has been very reluctant to do sequels,” says a hopeful [producer Doug] Belgrad [who’s also responsible for The Ugly Truth]. “But we believe there is an opportunity to make another Paul Blart movie.” [LA Time]

Oh boy, Paul Blart: Zookeeper.  I wonder if he’ll try really hard to feed the animals but then mess it up because he’s fat.  That would be really funny.  Heck, we could just make this into a series like those tween movies the Olsen twins got rich off.  Paul Blart: Truckdriver.  Paul Blart: Chiropractor.  Paul Blart: Bricklayer.  Paul Blart: Jew Lawyer.  They’ll all be about a fat guy falling down, but in each one he’ll wear a new outfit.  Ooh, I smell action figures!

This new video from LandlineTV takes us inside the world of Kevin James, and his intense preparations for disappearing into the role of Paul Blart: Mall Cop.

“You couldn’t say ‘Cut, good take, Kevin,’ you’d have to say ‘that’s a great take, Paul.’ Kevin James left the set the first day of production.”

“Working with Kevin is like taking a class on life.  One thing he taught me is that lines are funnier, when you shout them.”

Ahh, Kevin James.  He’s like the Kevin Farley of white Carlos Mencias.

After the jump, watch Funny or Die’s latest PSA about television’s upcoming switch from analog to digital, starring an old lady who looks suspiciously like Johnny Knoxville’s grandma.  It more or less sums up my assumption about the people still watching analog television.  Apparently there are 6.5 million of them.  Strangely, I’ve never met any, nor do I know anyone who has.  Could it be they they share an underground bunker underground with the people seeing Paul Blart: Mall Cop?  You read it here. It must be true.
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Paul Blart: Mall Cop earned $21.5 million dollars this weekend according to early projections, dropping only 32% from its haul last weekend and putting it on top for the second week in a row.  “God is dead,” said industry insiders.

The closest thing to good news is that the awesome Gran Torino fell only 27% since last  weekend after being out for seven weeks (a pretty solid performance), and Inkheart, Brendan Fraser’s latest lamefest, debuted a disappointing seventh.  But in a week where Paul Blart‘s on top, good news is only good in the sense that you can eat all the ice cream you want and not gain weight, but only because you have cancer.

(full top 10 after the jump)

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^{Breaker breaker, I desperately need something interesting about me.  PLEASE, ANYTHING AT ALL.}

Paul Blart: Mall Cop was a big number one at the box office despite being a steaming number two for all other intents and purposes.  It grossed almost $34 million.  A fat guy on a segway.  You motherf-ckers.  I can’t wait for Two and a Half Men, the movie.  If you need me, I’ll be cleaning my shotgun.

(full top 10 after the jump)

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