Courtesy of Crackle, it’s the first trailer for Priest, based on the graphic novel, directed by Legion‘s Scott Charles Stewart.  Said Stewart, “HURRR, I have three first names.”

Paul Bettany plays the lead, a member of an ancient order of clergy who have dedicated their lives to keeping the world safe from vampires.  That is, until the day he takes his shirt off and gets… sexcommunicated.   After that, it’s all EPIC OPERA GASP CHOIRS and CRUCIFIX NINJA STARS — what else would you expect from a movie about a priest who fights vampires?  It goes on like that for a while when– MOTHER OF GOD, WAS THAT CAM GIGANDET?!?  (*cowers behind crucifix, throws laptop in holy water*)

Olivia Munn warms her hands over the crotch heat generated by Paul Bettany's shirtless torso

(*Nicaraguan maid crosses herself, muttering*) El diablo, el diablo, ay dios mio….

Legion, which won the coveted Trailer of the Year award right here on FilmDrunk, just released a new clip on Yahoo.  It features Kevin Durand as the angel Gabriel wielding a mace against Paul Bettany as Michael, who’s given up his wings in favor of a machine gun.  It’s okay, I guess.  It’s no old-lady-crawling-on-the-ceiling-like-a-crab, that’s for sure.  And I still haven’t come up with any reasons I should like Kevin Durand.

Also: isn’t a fight between two angels sort of anti-climactic?  What happens to the loser, he has to go down and party with AC/DC?  Be the muse for Old Dogs 2?  Doesn’t seem so bad.

This is the red-band trailer for Legion, starring Paul Bettany, Charles S. Dutton (who has actually killed a man), Dennis Quaid, and Adrienne Palicki.  It was directed by Scott Stewart, co-founder of the FX company The Orphanage, which has an amazingly solid track record.  It opens looking pretty cool, but then it flashes the Screen Gems logo and I’m like, “Uh oh,” because most Screen Gems movie are old smelly ox cock.  But if I’m honest, I have to admit I almost pissed myself in terror a couple times during this.  Towards the end, an old lady comes in Roc’s restaurant and she’s all like, “Your baby’s gonna burn,” and everyone’s like, “What?” and then OH MY GOD SHE BIT THAT GUY ON THE NECK KILL IT WITH FIRE KILL IT WITH FIRE!!!

After God loses faith in humanity, the archangel Michael (Paul Bettany) is the only one standing between mankind and the apocalypse. He leads a group of strangers who must protect a woman who is pregnant with Christ in his second coming.

It’s post apocalyptic… because God hates you. Nice. I like the twist. And it’s been a long time since a trailer ripped my face off and effed the nostril hole like this one.  Legion, rated P for pants sh*tting.

[via /Film]

(Get it?  Get it???)

Paul Bettany stars as Charles Darwin in Creation, from Jon Amiel, the director of, uh, Entrapment.  Jennifer Connelly co-stars as his wife, Emma Darwin, who seeks to keep him from publishing his controversial theory of evolution, which postulates that the human race was formed when Jesus made love to an orangutan.  And afterward they drank sweet, sweet wine.  Toby Jones co-stars as Thomas Huxley.  I don’t know who that is, but I’m guessing he was short.  My, that was informational.

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Inkheart stars Brendan Fraser and Andy Serkis and appears involve a villain who escapes from a book into reality – kinda like Last Action Hero for fancypants nerds who like words (and eat turds. and watch birds. and travel in herds).

The book is about a girl named Meggie Folchart whose life changes dramatically when she realizes that her father, a bookbinder named Mortimer (nicknamed Mo), has an unusual ability: when he reads aloud, he can bring characters from books into the real world. [Wiki]

Directed by Iain Softley, from a David Lindsay-Abaire script, based on Cornelia Funke’s novel, everyone involved with Inkheart has a sissy name.  Seriously, I don’t know who any of these people are, but as far as I’m concerned they might as well be named Limpwrist Rogerbottom numbers 1-3.

Oh Brendan Fraser.  He’s like the thinking man’s Paul Walker. (In theatres March 19th)