I steal from Patton Oswalt all the time, but when I do it, it’s awesome.  And while I occasionally incorporate certain words or phrases I’ve heard him use that have since become a part of my personal lexicon– because that’s what fans do — I don’t tell stories from Patton’s life and pass them off as my own.  Because that’s what serial killers do.

Enter Columbia School of General Studies (Columbia’s part-time undergraduate program for working adults) valedictorian Brian Corman.  Corman apparently hadn’t seen Patton Oswalt’s recent public shaming of a comedian in Iowa who’d been stealing his act.  Or maybe Corman did see it, and thought it’d be a great idea to try to pull off the same trick, only this time in front of 10 times as many people, at a filmed event, in New York City.  Brilliant.  In the video above, you can see Corman lift pretty much word for word Patton’s “Physics for Poets” bit (which I’ve included below).  What I don’t understand is, isn’t ‘Physics for Poets’ not a class a Columbia?  And of all people, wouldn’t it be your fellow students who’d know that?  It doesn’t make any sense, dude. (Psst, just say it was performance art).

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God, why can’t this be a real movie?  Funny or Die has done some reasonably funny stuff in the past, but this fake trailer for a Weird Al Yankovic biopic from Aaron Paul is the feather in their cap, or some other metaphor that doesn’t make them seem like covetous wood nymphs.  Not to suck them off too hard, it’s kind of hard to go wrong with this cast: Mary Steenburgen, Gary Cole, Olivia Wilde, Paul Scheer — and I swear I’m being 100% serious, if I die before Patton Oswalt, I would like him to deliver my eulogy in character as Dr. Demento.  Wow.  Dr. Demento.  If you’ll excuse me for a minute, some really awkward childhood memories just came flooding back.

We should really bring back the top hat.  Have you ever seen someone who didn’t look bad ass in a top hat?  Even a hobo wearing one with the lid coming off, you can’t help but think to yourself, “This guy seems legit.”

[Thanks to Burnsy for the tip]

The Room is one of those famous-for-being-bad movies starring a long-haired weirdo named Tommy Wiseau — you can watch the trailer after the jump.  I’ve actually never seen it, but don’t tell the cool kids.  Anyway, here’s Patton Oswalt doing a parody of it, or rather his idea of what the Tommy Wiseau production process must look like.  It’s pretty good, as are almost all things Patton.  But from what I’ve seen, as far as bad movies go, After Last Season makes The Room look like Beyond the Ring.  And don’t even get me started on Birdemic.

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Daily Circle Jerk Links:

Facebook screengrab: Nobody Likes Aimee. |thehighdefinite|

Clip from Patton Oswalt’s new set, ”My Weakness Is Strong. ” |WarmingGlow|

A&E has a new reality series: Steven Seagal: Lawman.  I can’t believe they picked this up instead of the series I was pitching to them, Tony Jaa: Elephant Puncher. |ScreenJunkies|

If you liked Turtle Rape Shoe you’ll love Tortoise Phone Sex with Olivia Munn. |G4|

13 of the Fastest MMA Knockouts Ever |InGameNow|

A five page photo gallery of cleavage, if that’s your thing. |Gunaxin|

Photo gallery of people getting punched in the face, if that’s your thing. |Uncoached|

The 12 Worst Fantasy First-Round Picks Ever.  The best fantasy first-round pick?  Dock Ellis on LSD. |OpenSports|

~ robopanda

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(“Uh, I’m here for the gangbang?”)

Despite the fact that this sounds like a pitch for an SNL sketch (in the vein of Patton Oswalt’s “Midnight in the Olive Garden of Good and Evil”) David Mamet really is writing a screen version of The Diary of Anne Frank.

The film will be an amalgamation of the famed diary; the stage adaptation by Albert Hackett and Frances Goodrich; and Mamet’s own original take on the material that could reframe the story as a young girl’s rite of passage. Frank, who died at 15 in the Bergen-Belsen concentration camp, became an icon of the Holocaust after the post-war publication of the diary that she kept during the two years that her family hid in a secret attic apartment in Amsterdam. [Variety]

Yes! That’s what The Diary of Anne Frank was always missing: witty, fast-paced dialog!

Say Anne, whaddya think about keepin a diary?

Keepin’ a diary?

That’s right, a diary.  A book where ya put ya thoughts, ya dreams… ya philosophizin’.

I know what a diary is, ya wiseguy.  Why should I keep a diary?  Why I ain’t nothin but a little Jewish girl, hidin’ out, tryin’ ta keep away from da Nazis.  Ooh I hate dem big, ugly goodfanuttin Nazis!

Sure, but like I said, it’s a place where you put your hopes, ya dreams.

I just tole ya, my dream’s ta keep away from da Nazis, what I need a book for?

…Okay, I admit, my David Mamet parody might’ve gotten infected with The Three Stooges.  It happens. Still, I’m excited for this.  Almost as excited as I am for Joss Whedon’s All Quiet on the Western Front, Aaron Sorkin’s Les Miserables, Sam Mendes’ Transformers 3.  Or the George Romero remake of State & Main, State & Main & Zombies.  (it’s a metaphor).