Movie mash-ups, especially the kind that involve ” ___ recut as ____!” are a dime a dozen on the internet, and usually not worth posting, but “Dalton the Dickhead” gets my stamp of approval because A. it’s about Roadhouse, the greatest movie ever made, and B. it reimagines the film as a story about good-time party boy Brad Wesley, who was just trying to wear cravats and cruise for pussy in his convertible until his A-hole son Dalton came and screwed everything up by being an aggro jerk. It’s probably the best Roadhouse fan fiction since Dadboner’s pitch for Roadhouse 2: Pain Still Don’t Hurt, starring Guy Fieri.

It’s also a story near and dear to my heart, as imagining the screw-up relatives of famous characters or public figures is one my favorite things. If you’d listened to Frotcast 111, you’d know that Gandalf has a brother named Dale who sucks at magic and sells knives door to door. Dale Gandalf: Mediocre Knife Salesman, Does Card Tricks at Parties.

[Thanks to ReelBastards for sending this over]

The folks at Red Letter Media are doing the Lord’s work yet again, having compiled every face punch from Road House into one video (bonus trivia that matters only to me: Road House was partly filmed in Reedley, California, the town where I went to high school). And what better way to celebrate the birthday of George Washington, the face-punchingest of US Presidents? (Okay, it was probably Andrew Jackson, but still). In any case, it’s glorious. Girls punch girls, guys punch girls, girls punch guys, fat guys punch skinny guys, skinny guys punch fat guys, and guys who died of pancreatic cancer punch other guys who died of pancreatic cancer (*pours two out for Patrick Swayze and Ben Gazzara*). Seriously though, f*ck you, pancreatic cancer. Anyway, you can watch the supercut below. There was a lot of face punching going on in that movie, and no wonder, it’s contagious. Watching this makes me wish my grandma wasn’t dead so I could punch her right in the mouth. She’d probably just wipe the blood from her mouth on the back of her hand, laugh, and buy us a round of whiskey shots while we talked about pussy. I miss you, grandma.

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You hear a lot of stories about Tom Cruise.  He makes weird jokes about “gays in there”, he showed up to watch football at Jimmy Kimmel’s house toting both his mom and a box of cupcakes, etc., etc.  The common thread seems to be that he’s nice, but borderline-autism level weird.  But since Scientologists don’t believe in autism and Tom Cruise is really rich, they elected him Dalai Space Llama or something.  Anyway, there’s an excerpt from Rob Lowe’s autobiography in Vanity Fair talking about meeting Cruise while shooting The Outsiders back in 1983, in which he implies that Tom Cruise is a robot, but in the nicest way possible.

During the first round of auditions in Los Angeles, Lowe writes of meeting Tom Cruise, then a houseguest of the Sheens: “He’s open, friendly, funny, and has an almost robotic, bloodless focus and an intensity that I’ve never encountered before.” In New York for the second round of auditions, Lowe finds that Cruise is “already showing traits that will make him famous; he’s zeroed in like a laser.” “We check into the Plaza Hotel. I am taken aback at the luxury and spectacle of the lobby…. The front desk tells us we will be sharing rooms,” Lowe writes of the actors’ arrival in the Big Apple. “In a flash, Cruise is on the phone to his agent, Paula Wagner. ‘Paula, they are making us share,’ he says…. The rest of us are staggering around like happy goofs….. ‘O.K., then. Thank you very much,’ he says like a 50-year-old businessman getting off the phone with his stockbroker. ‘Paula says it’s fine.’ ”

“She assured me that there won’t be any gays in there.”

Lowe remembers hanging out with Cruise and the other actors in a gymnasium on set, when Patrick Swayze—who, Lowe writes, “makes Tom Cruise look lobotomized”—“begins to teach us a standing backflip…. When it comes to flips, I’m a pussy. I don’t flip. I don’t even dive into a pool—straight cannonball for me…. No, thanks. Cruise, not surprisingly, is all over it. ‘How about this!’ he says, almost pulling it off without even being spotted. He wipes out, but tries it again immediately.”

Benicio Del Toro later said of working with Swayze, “He flip you.”

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Here’s a clip from Patrick Swayze’s first movie, Skatetown U.S.A., a roller-disco movie, in which he plays the awesomely porny-sounding “Ace Johnson.”  This was back when roller disco was still cool, mind you.  I mean, I assume it was.  It looks pretty queer to me.  *tucks in sequined shirt*

YOUR DAILY CIRCLE JERK LINKS

• Vitor Belfort is pumped for his comeback and says he’s going to eat babies and drink your pee.  I think.  I dunno, I couldn’t really understand him, to be honest. |Recall|
• Dungeons and Dragons has soda flavors.  And no, none of them are “nerd”.  |ToplessRobot|
• Check out Vice Magazine’s new Film Issue. Or don’t.  Whatever man, it’s your funeral.  |Vice|
• The 23 greatest Michael Jordan commercials of all time. Get it?  Because he was number 23?  Whatever, bro.  What do you know. |HailMaryJane|
• New Black Dynamite promo from Fight Smack in the Orphanage.  |SmokingSection|
• The 12 Geekiest eBay sales. |ScreenJunkies|
• Does Kanye West have Asperger’s?  Probably, I hear he likes eating ass burgers.  And putting fishsticks in his mouth.  |HolyTaco|
• Review of a video game with Eliza Dushku in it.  |G4|

Thanks to Mason for the tip

Courtesy of a tip from JessicaD, today’s forgotten classic is the 1987 film Steel Dawn.  Patrick Swayze plays the lead, “a desert warrior, carving the future with his sword.”  Come on, dude, you have to admit that’s a pretty awesome tagline.  Basically, it’s exactly like Mad Max, and the very first shot of the trailer is a closeup of Swayze’s crotch.  I don’t know what else you’d need to know about it besides that, but I did find

Getting the film off to a quick start, the sandpeople, who live under the sand, decide to attack Swayze while he’s doing his daily headstands.

Okay, okay, I’m sold.  You had me at “crotch closeup.”  Additionally, this guy has awesome hair:

That is all.