Merry Ludacristmas, motherf*ckers, 5 Fast 5 Furious has a trailer.  Walker, Diesel, and Tyrese are back, teaming up with Dwayne The Rock Johnson, Ludacris, and probably a couple random sluts for the disappointingly-named 5i5th installment of the series, Fast Five.  Hijacking moving trucks?  Nah, son. This time we TOWIN’ HUGE BANK SAFES WITH OUR CARS!  HIT THE N0S! PUT ON THE GROUND EFFECTS!  IT’S TIME FOR CAR PORN AND PARKOUR!  OOH WHA AH AH-AH, CARKOUR!!!!

SPOILER ALERT!!!  (SERIOUSLY, SPOILERS EVERYWHERE UP IN THIS BITCH, MOSTLY ATTACHED TO THE BACKS OF CARS TO MAKE THEM GO FASTER)

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Jerry Bruckheimer movies are kind of like the father who took off when you were a kid, and then when you were like 16, he finally decided he wanted back in your life, so he tries to bribe you with presents.  Only it’s clear he knows nothing about you, because all the gifts he brings you are just some stuff that he read in the newspaper was popular with teenagers.  Hey, how ya doin’, kid?  Ya like parkour?  I hear a lot of the kids are into that nowadays.  What about super slow motion like Watchmen, and bullet close-ups like in Wanted?  My cousin Gina’s kid Terrance, he’s about your age, he can’t get enough of that stuff.  So whaddya say, kid?  C’mon, come give your old dad a hug.

LEAVE ME ALONE, JERRY!  YOU’RE NOT MY REAL FATHER!  EVERYTHING WAS FINE BEFORE YOU SHOWED UP!

New Line Cinema has selected Matt Johnson to finally write the studio’s Parkour film that has been in development since 2007. Still without a title, the film will be about two bank robbers who succeed at thievery because of their crazy extreme free-jumping skills. Parkour is basically like an extreme sport without any type of equipment or vehicle. So it’s pretty awesome for poor people.

Johnson is the visionary behind such extreme classics as Into the Blue, which starred the world’s greatest actors Paul Walker and Jessica Alba, and the Ice Cube masterpiece Torque. Diving and motorcycles – Matt Johnson was breast fed Mountain Dew. He also has a film in the works titled Trans Am, which Vince is already calling the feel good movie of the year. Now that “Parkour” has a writer to team with director Richie Smyth (XXTREME NAME SPELLING!), all that’s left is a star.

Free-jump my wall, Variety:

Studio’s been developing the project since 2007 when it bought a pitch preemptively from Kevin Lund and T.J. Scott around a pair of jumpers who use their skills in heists. Channing Tatum was attached to star at that point but is no longer involved.

NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! This is a travesty. All I’ve ever wanted in this world is a movie that combines the extreme excitement of jumping on buildings with the urban flava acting style of my man Channing Tatum, who turned 30 yesterday by the way. Well, I had to find out why Channing was no longer involved, so I shot him an email and here is his response:

“Yo dawg, at firsts I was all like, Yo I can get into some jumpin’ sh-t, for real. Because like, dancin’ is like a muthaf-ckin’ extreme sport too, son. You don’t just walk up to some slizzy and be like, I be grindin’ my jam in your fat ass, girl. You gotta be all, Watch me pop, beeyotch. And then theyz all be like, Aw snap C-Tate done did his thang and it’s like – POW! Titty all up in yo grill, son. But then like, I was thinkin’ son, because I gots that brain and sh-t, like a book, right? I gots three weapons – my face, my abs and my d-ck. And I already damaged my jimmy, for real. So I only gots like… like, two things left that gonna pay my bills, legit style. So I ain’t be jumpin’ on no buildin’ like no homo Spiderdude, holler back youngin.”

After the jump, I’ve got the brand new, English subtitled-trailer for Fireball.  You know how in America when you need money to go to medical school or pay for your little sister’s bone marrow transplant, the natural solution is to join a hip hop dance crew and win the step contest?  Well in Thailand, they play karate basketball.  With swords.  And in case you were wondering whether there’s parkour involved, you better believe there’s f-cking parkour involved.
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The poster for Jerry Bruckheimer’s Prince of Persia will appear inside Jerry Bruckheimer’s Confessions of a Shopaholic as background ads in Time Square, alongside ads for Jerry Bruckheimer’s G-Force, Jerry Bruckheimer brand colostomy bags and Jerry Bruckheimer douche nozzles.  Okay, I may have made up those last two.

“It’s funny because I was watching the movie and we had ads for other films and I said, ‘Why don’t we put our own movies in here.’ It’s kind of silly to promote someone else’s movies.” [LatinoReview]

Touché, Jerry, touché. Bruckheimer went on to say:

* Prince of Persia (adapted from the video game) will definitely have parkour (seriously)
* He’s making a third National Treasure,
* He’s excited about The Sorcerer’s Apprentice with Jay Baruchel and Nic Cage
* Johnny Depp will play Tonto in a Lone Ranger movie, which will definitely have “a supernatural element to it”
* G-Force will be about talking guinea pigs but will have “something for everybody”

The interviewer was about to ask him about Pirates IV, when a slimy, morey eel-like creature sprang from Bruckheimer’s mouth and devoured the interviewer whole.  He vomited up a puddle of foul-smelling black sludge before heading to a script meeting for CSI: Miami.