“Hey, kid, you like movie trailers? Good, ’cause, uh… I got a bunch of them.” -A drug dealer who’s bad at wordplay.

So a bunch of trailers hit recently, and if I gave them all their own post, they’d bury all my other content (NO ONE WANTS THIS!). So here they are in one place. We cover Premium Rush, the Joseph Gordon-Levitt bike messenger movie, The Thing remake, The Big Year with Steve Martin and Jack Black, and a kick-ass looking action movie called The Raid.

“I like to ride. Fixed gear. No brakes. Can’t stop. Don’t want to, either.”

Jeez, what are they trying to do, explain why everyone hates fixed-gear riders? “Yeah, so I just took all the necessary safety equipment off my ride so I can look cool when I crash into stuff and blame it on everyone else. My plan is to deflect cars with the force of my coolness. Neat, huh?”

Anyway, it looks like it’s trying to do for urban bicycling what The Fast and the Furious did for street racing. “I LIVE MY LIFE A QUARTER CAN OF PABST AT A TIME!” And by that I mean of course, OOOH WHA-AH AH AH BIKE PARKOUR!

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Here’s the trailer for Freerunner, which seems like a lock to steal the all-time box office record from Avatar. Yes, Sean Faris is doing great. It seemed like only yesterday he was fighting Cam Gigandet in MMA movies and being interviewed by Michigan high school newspapers, and now he’s back, playing an ace freerunner, who’s going to need all his free running skills of being able to climb down stairs and quickly slide across car hoods if he’s going to outrun a mad man who’s been knocking off free runners. But why would someone do such a thing? Well it turns out out he just really hates free running. The best motive is no motive, as countless poorly-written movies have told us.

My favorite moment is at the 17-second mark when there’s an out-of-context shot of a nerd saying “SH*T YEAH!” after Sean Faris captures the other team’s flag. IT’S LIKE HE’S DOING AN IMPRESSION OF ME WHEN I’M WATCHING SEAN FARIS PULL OFF BADASS PARKOUR MOVES! Then there’s a two-second montage that shows 1. parkour fighting 2. sexy dancing 3. Kanye shades 4. vodka drinking. IT’S SO RELEVANT TO MY INTERESTS!! WHICH FOCUS GROUP DID YOU USE??!? This could be the hippest movie of all time. It’s so cutting edge it’s already played out. SAVE THEM, SEAN FARIS! SAVE THEM USING YOUR FREE RUNNING!

Look for it soon wherever DVDs are sold.
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Merry Ludacristmas, motherf*ckers, 5 Fast 5 Furious has a trailer.  Walker, Diesel, and Tyrese are back, teaming up with Dwayne The Rock Johnson, Ludacris, and probably a couple random sluts for the disappointingly-named 5i5th installment of the series, Fast Five.  Hijacking moving trucks?  Nah, son. This time we TOWIN’ HUGE BANK SAFES WITH OUR CARS!  HIT THE N0S! PUT ON THE GROUND EFFECTS!  IT’S TIME FOR CAR PORN AND PARKOUR!  OOH WHA AH AH-AH, CARKOUR!!!!

SPOILER ALERT!!!  (SERIOUSLY, SPOILERS EVERYWHERE UP IN THIS BITCH, MOSTLY ATTACHED TO THE BACKS OF CARS TO MAKE THEM GO FASTER)

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Jerry Bruckheimer movies are kind of like the father who took off when you were a kid, and then when you were like 16, he finally decided he wanted back in your life, so he tries to bribe you with presents.  Only it’s clear he knows nothing about you, because all the gifts he brings you are just some stuff that he read in the newspaper was popular with teenagers.  Hey, how ya doin’, kid?  Ya like parkour?  I hear a lot of the kids are into that nowadays.  What about super slow motion like Watchmen, and bullet close-ups like in Wanted?  My cousin Gina’s kid Terrance, he’s about your age, he can’t get enough of that stuff.  So whaddya say, kid?  C’mon, come give your old dad a hug.

LEAVE ME ALONE, JERRY!  YOU’RE NOT MY REAL FATHER!  EVERYTHING WAS FINE BEFORE YOU SHOWED UP!

New Line Cinema has selected Matt Johnson to finally write the studio’s Parkour film that has been in development since 2007. Still without a title, the film will be about two bank robbers who succeed at thievery because of their crazy extreme free-jumping skills. Parkour is basically like an extreme sport without any type of equipment or vehicle. So it’s pretty awesome for poor people.

Johnson is the visionary behind such extreme classics as Into the Blue, which starred the world’s greatest actors Paul Walker and Jessica Alba, and the Ice Cube masterpiece Torque. Diving and motorcycles – Matt Johnson was breast fed Mountain Dew. He also has a film in the works titled Trans Am, which Vince is already calling the feel good movie of the year. Now that “Parkour” has a writer to team with director Richie Smyth (XXTREME NAME SPELLING!), all that’s left is a star.

Free-jump my wall, Variety:

Studio’s been developing the project since 2007 when it bought a pitch preemptively from Kevin Lund and T.J. Scott around a pair of jumpers who use their skills in heists. Channing Tatum was attached to star at that point but is no longer involved.

NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! This is a travesty. All I’ve ever wanted in this world is a movie that combines the extreme excitement of jumping on buildings with the urban flava acting style of my man Channing Tatum, who turned 30 yesterday by the way. Well, I had to find out why Channing was no longer involved, so I shot him an email and here is his response:

“Yo dawg, at firsts I was all like, Yo I can get into some jumpin’ sh-t, for real. Because like, dancin’ is like a muthaf-ckin’ extreme sport too, son. You don’t just walk up to some slizzy and be like, I be grindin’ my jam in your fat ass, girl. You gotta be all, Watch me pop, beeyotch. And then theyz all be like, Aw snap C-Tate done did his thang and it’s like – POW! Titty all up in yo grill, son. But then like, I was thinkin’ son, because I gots that brain and sh-t, like a book, right? I gots three weapons – my face, my abs and my d-ck. And I already damaged my jimmy, for real. So I only gots like… like, two things left that gonna pay my bills, legit style. So I ain’t be jumpin’ on no buildin’ like no homo Spiderdude, holler back youngin.”