“What have I told you about letting Peter Farrelly make movies?”
Opening Everywhere: Movie 43, Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters, Parker. God help us, it’s January. God help us all.
FilmDrunk Suggests: I suggest that you sit down and buckle up, because someone cut the brake lines on the negative train and I’m about to crash this sucker into Cynic City, USA.
Did you think I’d forgotten about This Week in Posters this week? No such luck, punks! We’re back, with the latest in indies, Jason Statham, Vince Vaughn, Fake Vince Vaughn, and the latest trend in posters: stripes!
Afternoon Delight: Penis! Vagina! Bukkake double team! No wait! Two chicks going ass to ass with a tranny! Hold on, is this not a Rorschach? Anyway, I’m hoping this has lots of sex. But knowing Sundance, it’ll probably just be a sad French lady with a giant muff who smokes lots of cigarettes.
This week in posters is back, and just in time for some new Spring Breakers posters. I’ll be honest, I’m struggling to say anything about this besides Ashley Benson’s name while I bit my knuckle, but instead I’ll simply say that a teeny-bopper movie with a bunch of Disney Channel queens from notorious dicknosers Harmony Korine and James Franco is something I’d pay at least double the price of admission for. I’m dying to know what glorious dicknose is in store for us with this one.
Also, these chicks are all like 18 to 22, aren’t they? Do we really need all the airbrushing? Cut it out with the filters, I want to see every dimple. Uh, I mean… airbrushing is a sexist tool of the patriarchy that promotes an unhealthy body image among impressionable young girls. (Phew, good save, Mancini, good save).
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This Week in Posters was postponed last week, but now it’s here! I suppose it’s kind of a “last week in posters” now, but better late than never, right? Don’t answer that.
First up, Michael Bay’s Pain and Gain. Okay, this is a pretty fantastic poster. Not that I imagine it’s very difficult to communicate a Michael Bay plot in a single image, but this one pretty much nails it. A couple a dudes, just gettin’ pumped and shredded in front of old glory. It brings a tear to my eye. Still, asking Mark Wahlberg to play a bodybuilder and then casting a guy opposite him who’s six foot five is borderline cruel. Regardless, I’m excited to see The Rock and Marky Mark get the same borderline-porny Michael Bay treatment as the Transformers girls. I’m envisioning a nice peekaboo shot up Wahlberg’s weightlifting shorts like the Megan Fox car scene while he’s doing so wicked tricep extensions. “Hey, Dawnny! You seen my chawklit flavahed mass gainah?” (*swooping crane shot of washboard abs*)
"Ma'am? Can you put your coat back on, please, you've had too much Chardonnay."
Parker, the trailer for which you can watch below, looks like every Jason Statham movie ever, with the added benefit that this one also has Nick Nolte, the Commish, and that lady from the Fiat commercials.
Parker (Jason Statham) is a professional thief who lives by a personal code of ethics: Don’t steal from people who can’t afford it and don’t hurt people who don’t deserve it. But on his latest heist, his crew double crosses him, steals his stash, and leaves him for dead. Determined to make sure they regret it, Parker tracks them to PalmBeach, playground of the rich and famous, where the crew is planning their biggest heist ever. Donning the disguise of a rich Texan, Parker takes on an unlikely partner, Leslie (Jennifer Lopez), a savvy insider, who’s short on cash, but big on looks, smarts and ambition.
And ass. She’s big on looks, smarts, ambition, and ass. Big like Texas. Anyway, as always, I asked my friend The Stath for his commentary.
