Everyone’s favorite lazy-eyed comedumpster (also my nickname in middle school), Paris Hilton, recently sat down with Movieline for an interview, where she was promoting… well, something.  Honestly, who gives a sh*t.  The important thing is that she named her favorite movie scene, and it was a journey into the mouth of moronity the likes of which we haven’t seen since we discussed Jared Loughner’s favorite movie.  But before we get to that, there’s something Paris would like to get off her chest (haha, no, not hobo jizz, silly!):

In The Simple Life, producers told me to play a dumb blonde and that’s what I did. I didn’t realize at the time that I’d have to do that for five seasons and keep up this character of me. I think people assume that that is how I am in real life but I’m actually quite a businesswoman.

Oh right, that was just a character you were playing on a reality show, because that would be better.  We’re so sorry for making assumptions based on behavior you presented to us as reality, that was really immature!

At Movieline, we play a game called “My Favorite Scene” where we ask actors to remember their favorite film moment of all-time, and explain why it resonated with them. What is yours?
I really love the movie There’s Something About Mary. One of the funniest scenes is when the dog, like, dies and Ben Stiller has to electrocute it back to life. Who was it? Ben Stiller or Matt Damon? [Editor’s note: It was Matt Dillon.] And the dog, like, comes to life. I thought that was hilarious.

“As an intelligent businesswoman, I thought it was really funny when they burnt the doggie.  Why, I nearly dropped my monocle and spilled mint julep on my pant suit!”

But Paris, what about the jizz-in-the-hair scene?  Probably hit a little too close to home.

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This is It premiered last night and everyone loved it and blah blah blah.  Michael Jackson was the King of Pop, he was one of kind, an extraordinary entertainer — really, we get it.  That doesn’t make this any less of a tacky media circus.  And please, for the love of God, can we stop writing articles that read like they should have Chariots of Fire playing in the background? From the LA Times:

It was just plain weird that Michael Jackson wasn’t at last night’s world premiere of his concert film “This Is It” at L.A. Live’s Nokia Theatre.

Really, L.A. Times?  It was weird that Michael Jackson wasn’t at the premiere of a movie that wouldn’t have been released if he was alive?  Now I’m no professional journalist, but it seems to me like it’d be bad thing for your first sentence to be complete bullsh-t.

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In an epic display of chutzpah (that’s Jew talk for lettin’ your nuts swing), the producers of Pledge This, who put Paris Hilton in their movie back in ’06, turned around and sued her for $8 million dollars, claiming she didn’t promote the film like she’d agreed to.  She recently appeared in court, and it was every bit the sh-t show you’d imagine.

Hilton told the Florida district court that it was not her fault the film flopped. She said she spent two years promoting it before it was released, including two high-profile trips to the Cannes Film Festival.

If by promoting it you mean “collecting bags of free sh-t and posing for pictures,” then yeah, I’ll buy that argument.

Before giving evidence, Hilton, in a black dress and six-inch stilettos, gave a little wave to the judge. “I’ve never had a witness wave at me before,” chief district judge Federico Moreno said.

The socialite went on to say that she tried her best to promote the film. “If I have my name attached to something, I want it to be as big as it can be,” she said, adding: “It could have been a lot better if it was done more professionally. I wanted to do as well as possible.” She explained that at the time when she was being asked to promote the film for DVD sales, her schedule was full due to rehearsals for her next film, 2008′s The Hottie & The Nottie. Asked if that was a better movie, Hilton replied with a giggle: “It was really good”.

Mr Goldberg told the court that he pumped the final $600,000 (£370,000) from his receivership account into the completion of the film in the hope that Hilton’s star quality would reap rewards. He said her unwillingness to promote the movie after the premiere was the reason it lost money. “I said, ‘Just do one little thing and you’ll never hear from me again’. We had no support whatsoever,” he said. [Telegraph via Cinematical]

You thought hiring Paris Hilton would be a good business decision?  Did you see her reality show?  You know, the one whose entire premise was Paris getting hired to do stuff and then her not doing it?  If this judge had any balls, his response would’ve been “Mr. Goldberg, what you’ve just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.”

The Paris Hilton documentary Paris, Not France (which takes its name from Hilton’s manager, who says when tweens hear “Paris” they think Hilton, not France) just released this three-minute teaser-trailer.  It proves that no amount of stylized title cards shouting “CELEBRITY”, “SCANDAL”, “HOLLYWOOD,” and “PAPARAZZI ASS DILDO PARTY” could make this bitch even the least bit interesting.  There’s no reason to watch the whole thing, unless you hate yourself, but Paris nicely sums up the entire project at the 25-second mark:

“People see me as… like… this Barbie with a perfect life… fantasy.  …Whatever.  …Maybe that’s what they like, I dunno?”

It’s like peeling back the layers of an onion, only when you get to the center, you get herpes.

^{Irony?  Mike Myers saying to JT, “I loved My Dick in a Box,”}

After the jump, you can see the full list of winners of the Razzie Awards for the worst achievements in film.  They’re pretty cute until you realize that (presumably) someone actually sat through all these pieces of shit.  Come on, not even Seltzer-Friedberg watch Seltzer-Friedberg movies.

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