Nic Cage’s new movie, Bangkok Dangerous, won’t be screened for critics.  For those of you who aren’t familiar with how the movie business works, not screening a film for critics is the studio’s way of saying, "We did all we could, but the movie still sucks.  Since no one will like it, there’s no way word-of-mouth could possibly help our bottom line. Our best hope is to open big and split town."

I think this is a big mistake.  Just look at this clip.  Could Bangkok Dangerous be a good movie?  Doubtful.  Could Bangkok Dangerous be so spectacularly moronic that it tears a hole in the space-time continuum and emerges from the wormhole as the most awesomest movie of all time a lá Wicker Man?  There’s a distinct possibility.  

Stupid critics.  Not every movie is going to be a guy juggling chainsaws on a unicycle.  Some might be a retarded kid who fails to shoot a roman candle out of his butt and in the process craps himself.  That’s not a failure, friends, that’s a hero. 

Nic Cage and his big shiny forehead are back in this band new clip from Bangkok Dangerous. While it’s not quite as good as the last clip, in which Nic Cage is wearing a hat, and then all of a sudden he’s not wearing a hat but he’s chopping off some guy’s arm with a boat propeller, it is… uh… red. Actually, it most reminds me of the scene in Naked Gun where Frank Drebin and a bad guy are shooting at each other on a rooftop but they’re only a couple feet away from each other. Nic Cage is kind of like a real-life Frank Drebin, in that he’s the only one who doesn’t realize he’s in a spoof movie.  Unless he does realize it but wants people to think he doesn’t.  Maybe his forehead is so big because he’s a cartoon super villain.

[Thanks to Robo for the tip, slightly better quality clip available here] 

^{WATCH THE NEW CLIP FROM BANGKOK DANGEROUS AFTER THE JUMP}

What do you get when you combine Nic Cage in full cheeseball mode, Thai speedboats, editing that thumbs its nose at continuity, and slow motion explosions?  Besides an erection, you get this new crip from Bangkok Dangerous. Haha, did I say "crip"?  Obviously I meant "clip".  What? It was an innocent mistake. 

*jumps out window into an awaiting speedboat*

EEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeee….. 

God, what would FilmDrunk be without goofy pictures of Nic Cage?  Check out these new stills from the chick puncher/alleged Chihuahua thief’s upcoming movie, Bangkok Dangerous (you can read the rundown here).  He’s not wearing a bear suit in any of them, but he might as well be.  I think that scene in Wicker Man where he’s trying to look incognito amongst a procession of young girls while wearing a 6’5” bear costume has become a metaphor for his career.  “Shhh, I’m disappearing into this role.  Don’t tell anyone it’s me.” 

I’m not posting all 45 pics from RopeofSilicon, my source, but I’ll give you enough to get a taste of his creepy forehead.  I’m convinced that at some point the skin on his scalp was torn off and the doctor just painted his skull flesh colored.

This one might be my favorite.  The elephant’s staring at Cage as if someone just slipped it a peanut laced with angel dust.  Yeah, elephant, we see it too. 

This the trailer for Bangkok Dangerous, a Pang Brothers-directed remake of their own über popular Hong Kong flick. Nic Cage plays a hitman who goes to Thailand on business and ends up growing a conscience. 

His character was a deaf-mute in the original, but they took that part out because Nic Cage’s face doesn’t move anymore.  Having him tell a story solely through expressions would’ve required a much larger CGI budget (or a forehead double).  I think a better solution would’ve been for him to wear the bear suit the whole movie.  And instead of falling in love, he could just punch chicks.

Also, I can’t believe they’re making an action movie set in Thailand without Tony Jaa.  Tony Jaa and Nic Cage in a bearsuit?  Talk about the ultimate buddy action flick!  GRR, NOBODY PUTS BABY ELEPHANT IN THE CORNER!