Michael Bay sat down for an interview with The Daily Beast recently, and there were a few interesting bits, like that his first movie was a Playboy video with Kerri Kendall, that he called Ebert “to the mat” on inaccuracies in his reviews, and that Shia LaBeouf “trashed every movie he’s ever been in”, among other things. But let’s be honest, what we really want to hear about are the stolen sex toys.

There was plenty of testosterone on the set of Pain and Gain. What’s the craziest thing that happened while filming?
We bought $75,000 worth of sex toys to stock the sex-toy warehouse. I could have filmed the crew coming in that day because they’d stop and see these things—anatomically correct vajayjays and this butt (everyone would touch the butt because it felt real)—and it was hysterical. We were going to return all the sex toys to get three-quarters of our money back, but they started disappearing. We were like, “Who is taking the sex toys?”

Okay, a few things:

1. I don’t trust any man who uses the word “vajayjay.”

2. You can return sex toys for three quarters of a refund? Do people who buy sex toys know about this?

In any case, it appears we have a mystery on our hands, a real whodildonnit (I’m sorry). Right off the bat, I’m going to rule out Marky Mark. For one thing, he abstains from masturbating in order to be prepared for the next 9/11. For another, with those little t-rex arms of his, he’d never be able to reach his groin with a pocket vagina without some kind of extending arm. I don’t see it. That leaves Tony Shalhoub, The Rock, Anthony Mackie, assorted dwarves, and the crew. Personally, I think the smart money’s on a horny teamster. I don’t doubt that Michael Bay demands nothing but the finest in hand-crafted vajayjays, but still, $75,000 worth of sex toys sounds like a haul that requires a truck.

UPDATE: I have to give David Ehrlich credit for putting this news in the proper context: “PRIMER cost 1/10th of PAIN & GAIN’s dildo budget.”

Mahky Mahk gawt notawriously ripped fa ris new movie, no doubt aided by the fact that he’s gawt shawt little ahms like a T-Rex – all the bettah to rip you da fack apaht wit, GO SAWX. But then at the Pain & Gain premiere (as pictured in this image, courtesy of TheSuperficial) it seems the Wahlburgers co-financier finally found a way to make his arms look longer.

Wait, there are dwarves in Pain & Gain? I wasn’t exactly surprised, but I had to know more, so I asked intern Zeke, who I sent to see the film. Here is a brief transcript of our conversation:

ZEKE: So what happens: The three dudes want to break into Tony Shaloub’s motel room. They threaten to kill the snobby teen clerk who we see reading a book, so he just gives them the key. The three are followed to the room by the dwarf dude. The Rock f*cks him up, strangles him, totally brutalizes him, and then they leave.

ME: Wait, so the hotel owner is a dwarf?

ZEKE: No, no, the clerk was reading a book and being snobby until the three threatened him. The dwarf thought he could out tough them. But they are body builders so The Rock proved him wrong instantly by picking the dwarf up by his throat and holding him there and strangling him and throwing him around.

ME Yeah, but where did the dwarf come from?

ZEKE: The dwarf has already been established as working at the motel. The dwarf comes out of nowhere in this scene though.

I’m glad I could take you all on this journey with me. Meanwhile, this scene is actually Michael Bay’s world in a nutshell. I sent my intern because after seeing a 30-second trailer for Pain & Gain, I was pretty sure I knew everything there was to know about that movie. See, once upon a time, Michael Bay was a commercial director (that Aaron Burr commercial? That was him), and he’s still a commercial director at heart. The skill of a commercial director is being able to communicate a message in as little time as possible, sometimes with a shot that lasts less than a second. That philosophy still guides Michael Bay, even when he’s making a two-hour movie. Thus, there’s nothing in a Michael Bay film that can’t be easily communicated in a few seconds. Let’s recap:

- The hotel clerk is snobby. Why is he snobby? Because he reads books. And what do snobby book readers do? They act like pussies.

- The dwarf is too big for his britches. Why is he too big for his britches? Because he’s a dwarf. And what do too-big-for-his-britches dwarves do? They pick fights with big dudes and get beat up.

- The Rock is big and tough. How do we know he’s big and tough? Because he’s a pro wrestling bodybuilder playing a bodybuilder. And what do big, tough, bodybuilders do? They scare pussies and beat up punks who challenge them to get what they want because they’re awesome.

This is how you write a Michael Bay movie.

Opening Everywhere: Pain and Gain, The Big Wedding

Opening Somewhere: Mud

FilmDrunk Suggests: I don’t know. I can’t stop singing, “My name is Mud…” to myself. And it’s not the whole song. It’s just, “My name is Mud…” and then I mumble what I remember of Les Claypool’s bass line.

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Ladies and gentlemen, bros and babes of all ages, welcome to the 2013 FilmDrunk Summer Movie Guide, your exclusive, ultimate and all-around life-changing directory to the summer’s biggest action-packed blockbusters, laugh-jammed piss-your-pants comedies, tear-jerking dramas and whatever crap that Adam Sandler made. Print this out and slap it up on your fridge with those magnet letters that spell out “penis” and don’t miss out on a single film experience between now and the end of September.

You may be asking, “Hey Burnsy, why now? Why not last week when GI Joe: Retaliation came out?” Because, a-hole, the summer movie season doesn’t ever begin until Michael-f*cking-Bay says it does, and with Pain and Gain hitting theaters – nay, theatres! – this Friday, Bay is telling us that it’s time to put on our adult diapers and prepare ourselves for the *explosion sound*.

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This week on the Frotcast, we bring intern Zeke into the frotquarters, and we bloop in Joe Sinclitico (the comedian formerly known as Joe King), the Harmony Korine of comedy, to pitch us some more movie ideas. He has some doozies this week, as always. We actually keep things pretty movie related this week as well, as Zeke saw Pain & Gain, I saw The Big Wedding, and Ben saw Oblivion. We discuss all those, plus the kerfufflry surrounding the Zach Braff Kickstarter brouhaha, and talk about our proposed trip to Gathering of the Juggalos (I’m terrified! Want me to do something that legitimately scares me? donate!).

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