^{Joaquin Phoenix and the backwards B girl had a baby, and they named it Neveah.}

The trades are reporting today that Casey Affleck’s next project will be directing a documentary about Joaquin Phoenix’s “music career.”  This whole thing sounds a little bit fishy, because if you’ll remember, Casey Affleck was standing next to Joaquin during Joaquin’s original retirement announcement (video of that here), and was the one who had to explain that Slurry McPainkillers was planning to focus on music after he stormed off.  Oh but wait, it gets weirder:

Phoenix is embarking on a new path as a rapper, with an album to be produced by Sean Combs. He is scheduled to make his first public performance Friday at a Las Vegas club, which will officially kick off Affleck’s shoot.

I just checked my calendar and it’s not April 1st.  Are they serious?  And by that I mean, is he joquin?  Or is this simply a product of jealousy of rappers-turned-actors combined with dyslexia?  My guess is that it’s some kind of elaborate publicity stunt and they’re planning to punk the media with some nonsensical performance art that only actors will understand.

UPDATE: TMZ apparently has video of Joaquin doin’ his thang.  And by ‘doin’ his thang’, I mean slurring unintelligibly and looking like a homeless person – but this time over a drum beat!

Diddy is constantly running his stupid mouth despite the fact that he’s never said anything interesting in his entire life. His latest fixation is campaigning to be the first black James Bond, to whom I would no doubt refer as “Lebron James Bond.”  It’s also “rumored” that Diddy even spent $750K on an audition tape (video of that below).

“I know in [MI6] they have some black agents,” Diddy said at New York’s London Hotel. “I know there’s some black people that can save the world. White people aren’t the only people that can save the world. My variation, I would come from the New York agency. I would actually be working with James Bond. And he would get kidnapped, and I would have to come get him and save the day. It’s a natural thing. It’s organic. I think it would be a tragedy for the next James Bond not to be black, and I think the next Superman should be black. We are like the coolest creatures on the face of the Earth.” [MTV]

Yes, black people can do anything white people can do*, that’s why we elected one.  You’re still an idiot.     And why do you want a black James Bond when you’ve already got Black Dynamite, who’s 10 times cooler?  As for a black Superman, well, most black dudes I know tend to wear boxers, and I think we can all agree that wearing boxer shorts on the outside of your blue spandex leotard would just look stupid.

*exceptions: fox hunting, waterpolo
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This is the first trailer for Notorious, a biopic of Biggie Smalls aka The Notorious B.I.G. directed by George Tillman Jr. Newcomer Jamal Woolard plays Biggie, and Derek Luke (Miracle at St. Anna) plays P Diddy. I’m a little sad the Diddle isn’t playing himself, but I’m glad we’ll get to see the story of how he became a showbiz legend, and witness his incredible contributions to American music. And by that I mean, “Uh, yeah, what?, come on, uh, yeah, come on, uh, yeah, what?, come on, uh, yeah, yeah, come on, uh, uh, uh, yeah, yeah, come on, come on, what?, yeah, what, come on, yeah, uh, uh, come on, yeah, uh, what?, uh, uh, yeah, yeah, come on…”

In his latest “Diddy blog”, P. Diddy explains why he’s so excited for Hancock.  He says that, growing up, he always wondered why there were no black superheroes.  Then he goes on and on about how FINALLY, there’s a black superhero.  Aside from the fact that he’s not very funny or interesting or have anything to say remotely worth recording, the sound of him chewing his gum into the microphone makes me want to gouge his eyes out with a crab fork.

Oh, and hey, Dingleberry, where the hell were you when Pluto Nash came out?  How ‘bout Meteor Man?  Spawn?  Those were all black superheroes. Did you want to wait until there was a black superhero that had a problem with alcohol and sleeping with young girls?  Bah, I suppose reading too much into this is like wondering whether retards prefer a particular brand of paste.  Anyway, vote or die, bitches.