According to a ground-breaking new press release, breathtaking actor Marky Mark and incendiary producer Puff Daddy are teaming up to launch a “revolutionary” new “performance water” called, amazingly, Aquahydrate. In related news, the bar for the word “revolutionary” has never been lower. You might even say that this is the LOW-WATER MARK. Oh God I’m so lonely.

Entertainment powerhouse [!!!!!] Sean “Diddy” Combs and actor/producer Mark Wahlberg today announced a joint venture with Southern California-based fitness and wellness water brand, AQUAhydrate.   Per the arrangement, Combs and Wahlberg will oversee business strategy along with CEO John Cochran, formerly President of Fiji Water.  Together they will help drive the AQUAhydrate vision and be instrumental in helping secure retail partnerships for the water brand, such as their recently signed deals with Safeway, Kroger and GNC.

It’s a “fitness and wellness brand” and the name translates roughly to “Water Watered.” And for a consultant, they wisely chose a guy from the water business. What does a business strategy meeting for this look like? It has to be just a guy holding a thesaurus, right?

Already voted BevNET’s Best of 2012 award for Best Product Revamp, AQUAhydrate is a high performance water without the sugar and calories found in traditional sports drinks or vitamin enhanced beverages. The product’s combination of performance-grade electrolytes and a higher pH level of 9+ has caught the attention of elite athletes, active health-conscious consumers, and celebrities looking to perform at the top of their game, in every aspect of their life.  In addition to the brand’s existing athlete roster, AQUAhydrate recently inked an official partnership with the Los Angeles Clippers wherein the product will be distributed to the team on and off the court.

That’s right, these are PERFORMANCE-GRADE electrolytes. You don’t want to be caught in the middle of a tough workout trying to drink some back-alley, prison-grade water and salt. I mean if you want some prison-toilet, zero-cal sports drink, be my guest, I can introduce you to Pookie. But if it were me, I’d want water and salt combined in a SPORTS HYDRATION LAB by BEVERAGE SCIENTISTS. Electrolytes! It’s what plants crave!

“This is a truly innovative company, and I’m thrilled to be part of it,” says Wahlberg.  “We all strive to do the best we can for our bodies but sometimes schedules, stress and other factors get in the way.  AQUAhydrate helps me achieve the balance my body needs, no matter what.  I enjoy being involved in every aspect of the AQUAhydrate brand and I’m looking forward to a very successful partnership.” [PremiumUltra]

More from WAHLBERG:

You evah loogit yahelf in the mirrah in the middle of a trainin session an think to yoahself, ‘Fack me sideways, Mahky, those ah some fackin rawck hahd pythawns you ah spawtin. You ah the veritable fackin awbject of sexual obsession fa evry hawt brawd an half a queah from heah ta Pahkasberg. Those veiny fackin monstahs yoah packin coulda stawpped 9/11.‘ But I will tell you this, smaht guy: if you think the only thing standin between yoah fackin pythawns and Flabsville USA is the foahteen grams of chawklit flavahed mass gainah you suck out of a strawr evry mawnin, you ah soahly mistaken. Every propah regimen should include at least 12 ta fawteen litahs of watah every day. And that is why I, Mahky Mahk Wahlberg, am suppawtin this new revolutionary fackin watah prawduct, AquerHydrate. I always keep my pythawns rawk hahd to stawp the next the next 9/11, and propah pefawmince-grade hydration is fackin instramental in that regahd. Trust me, Mahk Wahlberg and my new friend Black Sean. Eithah you ah drinkin owah revolutionary new watah prawduct, owah you ah helpin ta create the next Osamer.

*BRAAAAAAH--* wait, what the hell?

Though it mostly involves slogging through misspelled bon mots about loving Jesus and advice on dealing with h8rz, following P Diddy on Twitter will occasionally reward you with a picture like this.  That’s copyright P-Dizzle, son, don’t be infringin’. I still can’t believe this man has convinced grown adults to call him “P-Diddy,” (I’VE CALLED A PRESS CONFERENCE TO ANNOUNCE THAT MY LEGAL NAME IS NOW “MC FLIPPETY FLOP”, PLAN ACCORDINGLY) but I digress.  Zach Galifianakis  is the subject of an upcoming Rolling Stone interview, meaning RS finally has something in it worth reading besides Matt Taibbi articles (which are great).  Here’s a few squid tits I mean tidbits I mean squid tits is my new word for tidbits:

The Hangover Part II star – who doesn’t have a publicist or an assistant and still drives his 1998 Subaru – tells Rolling Stone contributing editor Josh Eells that he’s having difficulty getting used to life as a celebrity. “I’m terrible about people wanting to take pictures with me,” Galifianakis says. “I’m a giant baby about it. They treat you like a cartoon. There’s nothing you can do except make light of it. That’s if I’m in the mood. Sometimes I get superbummed.”

That he’s hilarious and a super-talented actor and comedian was never in question, but I do sometimes wonder if Zach Galifianakis would be insufferable to hang out with. The Mel Gibson-blackball situation makes me question the d-bagginess of everyone in that cast, who otherwise always seemed wildly likable (provided you never watched Brad Cooper’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio).

That doesn’t mean he’s going to stop making movies. “They want to do a Hangover III,” he says. “I’m getting fricking phone calls already.” According to what he’s heard, the plot ditches the format of the first two and focuses on his character escaping from a mental institution with help from the wolf pack.

Yay! There’s your upcoming-movie info scoop!  Exciting, right?  God movie blogs suck.

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With movie studios literally optioning gum wrappers from the 50s, the only thing surprising about their plan to make a movie out of Gilligan’s Island is that it took this long.

[from Variety] Warner and Atlas Entertainment have begun development on a feature film based on the iconic CBS sitcom, which originally ran for three seasons between 1964 and 1967. With Brad Copeland (Wild Hogs) penning the screenplay… plans are for a contempo take [I loathe you, Variety writers] on the well-known premise and characters, with the studio and the Schwartzes’ [original producer and family] blessing Copeland’s initial idea for the screenplay.  Producer Charles Roven says he’s hoping to start production as early as next year, but won’t move forward on seeking a director or cast until the script is complete.

Oh boy, I can’t wait to see the Wild Hogs Guy’s “contempo” twist.  My suggestion? Channing Tatum as Gilligan. Aight, look, y’all: firss things firss, we gah be findin areselves some food, son, (*unintelligible mumbling*) nah mean?

And for the Millionaire, you guessed it, P Diddy.  He could even record a remix of the theme song:

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In Get Him to the Greek, Jonah Hill needs Russell Brand to bang Nia Vardalos before midnight when she turns back into a werewolf. Okay, not really. It stars Russell Brand and Jonah Hill in what’s hopefully Laverne & Shirley to Forgetting Sarah Marshall‘s Happy Days (rather than, say, Joey to FSM‘s Friends *shudder*).  FSM director Nick Stoller returns to direct in his second feature, which is good, but he also has writing credits on Fun with Dick and Jane, which scares me, because that movie wasn’t just unfunny, it was like an electromagnetic pulse that knocked out humor in a five-block radius.  

The trailer’s sorta meh. Could go either way.  And I’m still not sold on Russell Brand.  He’s moderately funny, but it seems like he’s gone far not necessarily because he’s amazingly talented, but because he’s reasonably funny and has a schtick.  Like if he was as funny as he is without the eyeliner and the stupid hair and the tight pants and all that bullsh*t, would you really be able to pick him out of 10 other guys at a comedy club?  Doubtful.  I’m not saying he won’t ever win me over, it’s just that when, say, Ricky Gervais came over from England, no one had to tell me about his book and his life and his huge stand up career to keep me from automatically wanting to kick his ass.

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In what I can only assume was CBS’s attempt to create a black hole of monstrous egoes and shitty acting, P Diddy guest starred on CSI: Miami last night, opposite David “The Crimson Fog” Caruso.  Our friends at Videogum put together a nice little mashup after the jump. It proves that everything becomes awesome when you put Won’t Get Fooled Again after it.  Really, it could be anything.

“Ma’am?  Sorry to be the one to tell you this, but your baby has cancer.”

[music comes in] YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHH…..

“Ma’am?  Did you hear what I just said?”

“Huh?  Sorry, I got a little caught up in the air guitar. “

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