Sorry to preemptively dismissive wank my own headline, but this is just kind of a dumb non-story all around, that I have to cover anyway because I already brought it up the other day. Basically, Sacha Baron Cohen wanted to attend the Oscars in character as The Dictator, as he’s done with other characters at other Awards shows in the past, like when he fake teabagged Eminem at the MTV audio YouTube Awards or whatever. Long story short, the Academy said no. Which has led to no shortage of “BARON COHEN BANNED FROM OSCARS!” headlines. But he didn’t actually get banned, the Academy just basically said “Please don’t punk us, Mr. Funny Man, we are very old.”

“We haven’t banned him,” an Academy spokesperson tells The Hollywood Reporter. “We’re just waiting to hear what he’s going to do.”
Still, the Academy is making it clear that Cohen is not welcome to use the red carpet as a platform for a promotional stunt for his upcoming movie The Dictator, and other sources say the threat of booting him became more substantial on Wednesday.
THR’s story prompted the Academy to notify Cohen’s reps and Paramount, the studio behind both Hugo and Dictator, that it would like to know exactly what Cohen has planned. “We don’t think it’s appropriate,” the Academy spokesman tells THR of the prospect of Cohen “hijacking” the red carpet to plug his movie. “But his tickets haven’t been pulled. We’re waiting to hear back.” [THR]

Of course they don’t think it’s appropriate. They’re old farts planning a stodgy, self-mythologizing awards show. You wouldn’t want actual levity to ruin a night of Billy Crystal numbers and dead-people montages, would you? But then, if Sacha Baron Cohen had had any intention of actually pulling a stunt, he wouldn’t have asked permission first. “So, uh… I’m interested in renting your apartment. And by the way, I’m planning on having huge parties there every weekend, with cocaine and llama fights and shit.”

Obviously, getting “banned” and having people write about it was the plan all along. So congratulations, Sacha Cohen and Paramount, looks like you got that part covered. Collect your dismissive wank and commemorative mouthfart on the way out. (The fart comes in a Lululemon tote bag!).

And Round 1 is ovah! Above are the films that advance to Round 2. Here are the final number of votes for each:

The Artist: 70 > Hugo: 17

Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close: 4 < The Descendants: 86

Moneyball: 62 > The Tree of Life: 28

The Help: 39, War Horsey: 4 < Midnight in Paris: 46

It was a close race between The Help and Midnight in Paris. You ultimately decided that The Academy would go with Woody Allen’s witty banter over white folks curin’ racism. You may have underestimated their self-importance. Or you may have been right on target with their Jewishness.

Time to cast your vote in Round 2! Pick either The Artist or The Descendants from the left side AND either Moneyball or Midnight in Paris from the right side to advance to the next round. If you voted all the way through in the last round, you’ll need to vote again. You didn’t adhere to my rules and should consider yourself lucky that you don’t feel the back of my hand.

(Click to supersize)

I was thinking about how to make awards coverage fun and unique, until I realized such pontificating was an exercise in futility. Awards coverage is by nature as boring as watching whatever dry on your mom. So what does one do when they need to construct an engaging post without the hoity-toity-ness expected from respectable film blogs? One creates a bracket!

Welcome to FilmDrunk’s First Annual Oscars Best Picture Bracket. We’re going to focus on the films nominated for Best Picture in 2012 since doing otherwise would be foolish and a waste of everyone’s time.

Here’s the Deal:

It works just like a March Madness bracket. Today you will vote for your favorite film in each category on the bracket above. Make your voice heard in the comments section. The categories are: Movies About Making Movies, Movies About Death, Movies with Brad Pitt, and Period Pieces (The Don’t Fit Into Other Categories). For that last one there are three films, but just choose one. The winner in each category will advance to the next stage, and tomorrow I will show you those winners. You’ll vote again tomorrow and finally on Thursday until we have our FilmDrunk pick for Best Picture of 2012. And no, you cannot write in Bucky Larson: Born to be a Star. Let’s all just agree it was robbed of a nomination.

Do You Like Prizes?

If the FilmDrunk pick for Best Picture matches the Oscar Best Picture winner, I’ll gather up the names of everyone who voted for that film in the final round, write them down on Post-It Notes, force feed them to Vince, and whichever name he poops out first will receive a FilmDrunk t-shirt in the color of his or her choosing, and the feces-stained Post-It.

But that’s not all…

You’ll also win respect; perhaps the most prestigious prize of them all.

So Get to Voting. You have until midnight tonight PST (West Coast reprahsent!) to lock in your choice, and you can only vote once for one picture in each category. Please don’t make this difficult. Daddy’s had a long day.

After the jump I have provided for you a half-assed-nalysis of the nominees. Use my guide to make an informed decision, or disregard it all together and go with your gut. Men have won millions based on pure instinct. They’ve also lost everything they care about.

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People often don’t take the time to listen to their elders in this country, and that’s a shame. Because they’re usually full of two things, wisdom, and poop in their pants, and one ignores either at one’s own peril. 99-year-old Connie Sawyer is one such wise old fart (not to mention being recognizable from bit parts in Dumb and Dumber, Pineapple Express, and a million other things), and the LA Times recently sat down with her, one of the Academy’s oldest members, to see what she had to say (you want to know how old the Academy is? being 99 only qualifies you as ONE of the oldest). Surprisingly, she was not impressed by best picture favorite The Artist. But hey, she’s probably still sore at the French for not carrying their weight at the Somme, lousy horse eaters.

But Sawyer, who was a 15-year-old living in Oakland in 1927, when “The Artist’s” story begins, wasn’t so enamored of the black-and-white film. The movie was enjoyable enough, she says, but she frankly doesn’t understand what all the fuss is about.

“Hasn’t anybody seen old films?” Sawyer asked in exasperation. “They’re easy to make and easy to act. All you have to do is overact. I saw a lot of those films in my day.”

“M’yeah, see? I seen a million of ‘em, kid, and I ain’t so impressed. Why, I remember when Meyer Lansky’s driver, Peter, gave me the ol’ 23 skiddoo inside the Nickelodeon during a Lilian Gish picture. Petey Two Fingers, we used to call ‘em, he was the bee’s knees. I may wear bigger bloomers these days, and Petey’s dead of the consumption, but this ain’t so different.”

In a way I agree with her. The Artist isn’t life-changing, but it’s well made and hard not to like. But then, “pretty good” is more than you can say for War Horse or the Tom Hanks solving 9/11 with child-like wonder. I don’t want to say this year’s is a weak field, but Billy Crystal is hosting.

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Pictured: An average Academy voter

This week being Oscars week, the LA Times recently published a demographic investigation of who actually makes up the Academy that votes on them. Not surprisingly, the voting membership was found to be overwhelmingly old and white. Like, REALLY old and white, old and white enough to be excited about Billy Crystal hosting this year, almost. Which is weird, because I always assumed the core fanbase for movies like The King’s Speech and The Iron Lady was inner-city teenagers. “Talk to the face, Homespigot, let’s go peep that iFlick about the rizzoyal fam! I’ll hit you back on the flippity flop,” I imagine them saying (note: I am unfamiliar with inner-city teen slang). Surf’s up, Pickle Face!

Anyway, here’s a facty breakdown of what the LA Times found.

• Median age of Academy voters: 62

• Voters younger than 50: 14%

• 77% male, 23% female

• 94% Caucasian

• 2% black

• Less than 2% Latino

• Caucasians make up more than 90% of every branch except actors, which are 88% white.

• Notable members: Tom Hanks, Sidney Poitier, Meryl Streep and Steven Spielberg, Julia Roberts, George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio, Jennifer Hudson, Mo’Nique, Jeffrey Wright

• Notable non-members: Woody Allen, George Lucas

• Less-Notable members: Erik Estrada, Lorenzo Lamas, Pee Wee Herman, Gavin MacLeod from Love Boat, Meat Loaf, Jaclyn Smith from Charlie’s Angels, Vin Diesel, Steve Guttenberg

If the academy is 94% white, 2% black, and less than 2% Latino, you might be wondering who makes up the other 2% and change. The answer? A combination of Vin Diesel, The Rock, and George Takei. Also, I know what you’re thinking, and no, they never say whether Verne Troyer is a member.

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