When it was announced that Billy Crystal would host the Oscars after Brett Ratner got fired for calling everyone a fag and Eddie Murphy went with him, the world responded with a resounding “meh.” It was as if they’d already skipped to the fourth step of Billy Crystal: acceptance. But the Oscar producers couldn’t have people not excited about the Oscars. That just wouldn’t do! So the lead producer called a special meeting in his war room deep in the bowels of show business headquarters. He looked his flunkies in the face. No one had any ideas! That’s when he took a long drag on his electronic cigarette and said purposefully, “…Bring me Duhamel.”

The awed flunkies muttered in unison, “You mean… The Charismanator.”

The chief hit a giant red button on his desk, and that’s when this video was made.

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Following Brett Ratner’s resignation in the wake of his insensitive comments toward shrimp, gays, rehearsal, Olivia Munn, and Asians, the Academy has named as his replacement Brian Grazer, probably best known as Ron Howard’s producing partner, and for constantly looking as sweaty and coked out as Brett Ratner probably actually is. Also, he came up with the idea for Splash (true story). Most recently, Grazer produced Brett Ratner’s Tower Heist, so you figure the Academy must really have thought long and hard about this decision.

Grazer, a producer of the upcoming J. Edgar, was at the top of the list of producers whom Sherak approached to come aboard and co-produce the show along with the previously announced Don Mischer. Grazer’s first order of business will be naming a new host.

“Brian Grazer is a renowned filmmaker who over the past 25 years has produced a diverse and extranordinary body of work,” Academy president Tom Sherak said. “he will certainly bring his tremendous talent, creativity and relationships to the Oscars.” [THR]

With Eddie Murphy out, presumably his replacement will be someone else from the cast of Tower Heist. I vote for Gabourey Sidibe, but only if she does the whole thing in a Jamaican accent.

“‘ey, mon, I hareby awarrd dis year’s Os-carr for Most Tasty to dees roast-tad cheeckan. A nuh mi like vegetable, BUH! BUH! …Now, whare da bumbaclot ‘tief dan stole me Krispy Kreme? BANDULU! Fess up, nah! Which wan a you bal’ ‘ead gwan tief me donut?!”

Yesterday afternoon, Brett Ratner stepped down as Oscars host in the wake of all the terrible things he said about rehearsal, Asians, Lindsay Lohan, and shrimp (but mostly because he used the F-A-G word). There was much speculation about whether Eddie Murphy, who’d been hand-fondled by Ratner to host the telecast (and who used that same word quite a few times in an even worse context in his most famous comedy special), would stay on as emcee. The short answer: no, he won’t.

Commented Murphy, “First and foremost I want to say that I completely understand and support each party’s decision with regard to a change of producers for this year’s Academy Awards ceremony. I was truly looking forward to being a part of the show that our production team and writers were just starting to develop, but I’m sure that the new production team and host will do an equally great job.” [HollywoodReporter]

Yes, how could one of the world’s most famous comedians ever hope to host an awards show without the guidance of the guy who made Money Talks? It would be LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE. Why, he might forget to be sassy! Meanwhile, I think the best Oscars suggestion I’ve heard came from Steven Rosenthal on Twitter:

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It seems like it was only hours ago that we were sharing Brett Ratner’s public apology for saying “rehearsal is for f*gs,” along with Academy President Tom Sherak’s public acceptance of that apology, but apparently that wasn’t enough. Because now Ratner has tendered his full resignation (no doubt covered in Cheeto crumbs and pubes). It’s sad, because I’ve said all along, much more so than directing movies, hosting a big Hollywood ass-kissing festival is the job Brett Ratner was born to do.

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences confirms that Brett Ratner has resigned as producer of this year’s Oscar telecast following his use of a gay slur on Friday evening and his raunchy interview on “The Howard Stern Show” Monday.
In an open letter, Ratner said he resigned to Academy president Tom Sherak this morning by phone and that he “apologizes publicly and unreservedly.”
“I should have known this all along, but at least I know it now: words do matter,” Ratner said. “Having love in your heart doesn’t count for much if what comes out of your mouth is ugly and bigoted.”
By late Tuesday he had accepted Ratner’s resignation.
“He did the right thing for the Academy and for himself,” Sherak said in a statement. “Words have meaning, and they have consequences. Brett is a good person, but his comments were unacceptable. We all hope this will be an opportunity to raise awareness about the harm that is caused by reckless and insensitive remarks, regardless of the intent.”
It is unclear whether Murphy will stay on as host. [Variety]

Look, no one’s arguing that Ratner isn’t a dipsh*t, and a public figure thinking he can get away with saying “f*g” onstage at a public event in 2011 is only proof of that. But seriously, let’s stop kidding ourselves. He used a word. He didn’t kill anyone. He slipped into the schoolyard vernacular in which “f*g” has much broader meaning than “hateful slur against a homosexual.” You can’t ban every word that someone uses in hate, they’ll just switch to different words. Stupid, yes, hateful no. An apology should be sufficient (this is a guy who claimed he got his first BJ from a man, after all). And as long as we’re keeping score here, isn’t saying “she wasn’t Asian back then” a lot more bigoted than “rehearsal is for f*gs”? Like to imply that someone’s race is somehow tied to how they act or present themselves, and not just a physical form into which you were born? Kind of like the root of all stereotypes? No matter. Let’s all keep pretending that just strictly sticking to the set of acceptable PC non-hate terms will solve all of the world’s problems, while we watch a guy famous for his “f*ggots can’t look at my ass” bit perform clean family comedy while we eat shrimp.

(*sadly covers nacho cheese fountain with tarp*)

Someday, old friend.

Post-Script: Is it fitting that Brett Ratner and Eddie Murphy have both been in trouble for being too free with the word “f*g”, and have both had famous encounters with transvestites?

You may have missed it yesterday when you were busy stuffing your fat faces with hot dogs, but I reported that Brett Ratner, who’s producing this year’s Oscars, had only one host in mind, and that host was Eddie Murphy (with whom he no doubt bonded over their mutual love of trannies). Well now it’s official, and no one said anything about Murphy having a co-host, so it seems my idea for Yao Ming or a hyrax with a propeller beanie fell by the wayside. Shame. Though perhaps it’s a good thing. You get Eddie Murphy and a hyrax onstage together, who plays the straight man? It’d be madness.

Brett Ratner and Don Mischer, who are producing the annual awards show, presented their choice on Tuesday to officials at the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences, who signed off on Murphy hosting.
It will be the first time that Murphy, who shot to fame in the 1980s, first on Saturday Night Live, and then in movies like 48 Hrs. and Beverly Hills Cop, has hosted the show. He has appeared as a presenter on several broadcasts, most recently in 2009 when he presented the Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award to Jerry Lewis. He also received an Oscar nomination as best supporting actor for his performance in the 2006 musical Dreamgirls. [THR]

As I’ve said, Ratner will be a great producer, because while he’s a rumpled, crotch-fondling schmuck behind the camera, he’s nothing if not a brilliant kiss ass, and that’s kind of what the Oscars are all about. As for Eddie Murphy, he’s been putting out that whole Will Smith/Tom Cruise, it’s-possible-some-producers-skinned-me-and-replaced-my-insides-with-a-robot-for-ease-of-commercialism vibe for going on ten years now. It will be interesting to see if we get dead-eyed schmoozebot Eddie, or if he’s able to be candid in a way that reminds us why we liked him in the first place, like Sandler in Funny People. I’ll say this though, if there’s not a bit where he does his old Jewish guy voice and argues with Billy Crystal about boxers, I’ll eat Ratner’s belly button lint. (Yes, that’s oddly specific and there’s a high probability of me losing, but I always figured Ratner’s belly button was full of nacho crumbs, which I love.)