Wow, there are some turkeys opening this week, folks.  I’m going to continue to recommend Up, Anvil, and The Hurt Locker.  Nonetheless, OPENING THIS WEEKEND:

The Ugly Truth
Katherine Heigl stars in an intelligence-insulting rom-com.  If you’ve seen the orgasm scene and you’re still considering seeing this, congratulations, I hate you.  Wanna save yourself 10 bucks?  Just look at the two pictures above back and forth really fast as you gradually lose the will to live.

G-Force
Fart jokes in the trailer, y’all!  Speaking of two pictures that communicate an entire movie, the best part of the press tour for this one was Nic Cage looking like this:

…while sitting next to this: 

Orphan
SECRET DWARF HOOKER!!!  Need I say more?  I actually kind of want to see this now.  …Hold me.

In the Loop
I haven’t covered this one much because the trailer bugged the living hell out of me.  But I’m told part of the reason for that is that the movie has an epic amount of swearing in it and is actually quite good.  I can’t confirm that it’s good, but I love swearing.  Check out this speech by Patton.  Now there was a guy who could swear.

Okay, guys, super spoiler alert.  This is an awesome story, but it will totally ruin the ending of Orphan.  Luckily, we’re talking the Orphan here, not a movie I’d actually pay money to see.  Join me after the jump for the fun!

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• 80s Theme Songs to Live By – wow, and all this time I thought the line in the Full House theme was “Even MTV.”  Apparently it’s “Evenin’ TV.”  I am SO embarrassed right now. [ScreenJunkies]
• Stars are just like us because they pee in alleys.  [HolyTaco]
• Interview with the other guy from Breaking Bad. [BullzEye]
• Trailer for Orphan. When she kills your family, it serves you right for that Little Bo Peep joke, you jerks. After all, she is a spicy Latina. [TrailerAddict]
• 20 Fake Movie Sports – Did you really need to put Pod racing on there?  That was something I think we’d all rather forget. [UGO]
• Pictures of Mickey Rourke playing ping pong in a Russian prison.  That is all. [BestWeekEver]
• And now Heathers is going to be a musical.  Ahh, theater.  I LOVE THIS DEAD, GAY ART FORM.  [THR]

Thanks to Burnsy for the pic from his family reunion.  Anyone else think the dude on the right looks like Peter Sarsgaard?