Make ouuu-- oh. Carry on, then.

The other day I brought you the news that Natalie Portman had co-written with college friend Laura Moses BYO, a “raunchy”, female-driven sex comedy in the vein of Superbad, in which a sexed-up Portman would sexily play one of the main sex characters.  The script is currently making the rounds, and now, much like your sister in a mini-skirt, some of the juicier bits have begun to leak out.  In fact, according to a recent report, the script features one of the leads giving a Boniface Jenkins to a 15-year-old boy.  And on the fifth page no less!

The two main characters are Lucy and “Al” (short for Alice) — Lucy is the wild sex fiend and Al is the more or less level-headed one. There’s a scene on page five in which Lucy is caught blowing a 15 year-old by the teen’s mother. “There is one other sex scene,” he says, “but who knows what it’ll be. Let’s just say [the rest of the script] doesn’t get any dirtier than the page-five BJ.” [Hollywood-Elsewhere]

And I hope that by “level-headed” they mean she blows dudes her own age, because when I was 15, the closest I got to a BJ was when mom’s boyfriend slept over.  What is this, science fiction?

Sub-joke: Oral sex with a 15-year-old on page five?  Sounds like someone owes Roman Polanski royalties.

Sub-joke 2: I heard “Page-five, BJ” is how they call your mom over the intercom where she works.

Magnolia pictures has acquired distribution rights for Casey Affleck’s documentary, I’m Still Here: The Lost Year of Joaquin Phoenix, with a plan to release it September 10th, starting in limited release and going wide a week later.  Why is that awesome news?  Well, here’s what we know about it so far.  From a report of the film when it screened for buyers:

It’s far from the Joaquin Phoenix you’re used to seeing onscreen: snorting cocaine, ordering call girls, having oral sex with a publicist, treating his assistants abusively and rapping badly.  Several buyers said the film overflowed with Hollywood debauchery, including more male frontal nudity than you’d find in some gay porn films and a stomach-turning sequence in which someone feuding with Phoenix defecates on the actor while he’s asleep.

Well now you’re speaking my language.  Non-consensual Cleveland Steamers are my favorite kind of Cleveland Steamers.  There was also this story:

Phoenix was spotted pawing through racks of clothes at Red Balls on Melrose, where he finally grabbed a black velvet cape, black trousers and mesh top, ducked into a dressing room – and began belting rap songs. Emerging in his new outfit, he told the salesgirl he’d be wearing it home. Nervous, she asked: “What form of payment will you be using today, sir?”… then nearly jumped out of her skin when Phoenix banged down a wad of cash and yelled: “MONEY!”

That was the sales girl’s fault.  You see a guy in a cape and a mesh t-shirt, just assume he’s paying in cash, trust me.  In another funny twist (well, maybe not funny “ha ha”), Magnolia is the same company that put out Two Lovers, the movie Phoenix was supposed to be promoting when he was sticking his gum under Letterman’s desk, for which he took heavy criticism.

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