This morning I received an email telling me: “You have got to see Tyler Perry’s Madea looks for OWN in The Color Purple. This is so funny!!!”
The email came from Tyler Perry himself, so I figured it must be true. After all, Tyler Perry has never steered me wrong on comedy before, especially as it relates to the comedy of Tyler Perry. Why should this be any different? I mean a MAN, dressed as a WOMAN? Who ever heard of such a thing! Haha, LOL!
Terrence Howard has a new movie coming out, and you know what that means: it means that we get to see him in a new hat. Not only that, but we also get to hear him spout off in interviews, which is always fun because he’s a special kind of nutty. While talking to MovieFanatic during the press tour for Dead Man Down, which looks so generic that tickets should be half price, the talk naturally turned to The Butler coming out later this year, from batsh*t director Lee Daniels, in which Terrence Howard apparently shares some love scenes with none other than Oprah Winfrey. Terrence Howard is normally such a chilled out, philosophical beatnik that he exists on an entirely separate plane of reality, but something about Oprahs bewbs makes him sound downright coherent.
Here’s what he told MovieFanatic:
“Oprah and I had such chemistry. To be able to make out with Oprah and to have love scenes with her and those tig ol’ bitties,” Howard said and laughed. “She’s such a voluptuous woman. That was wonderful.”
Actually, as you’ll see in the video of the interview below, he calls her “volumptuous,” which I enjoy almost as much as the use of the phrase “tig ol’ bitties.” You know, when I first heard “tig ol’ bitties,” I must’ve been in middle school, and I never thought it would catch on. It just seemed like such a weird, low-fi way to euphemize something. And we don’t apply it to anything else. Like, you never hear guys going “Oh, Sally? Yeah, man, I’ve been seeing Sally. I tell you what, I just can’t get enough of that pig hairy bussy of hers. You know, if you catch my drift. I’m telling you, bros, I get lost in that thing.”
In a move that’s not at all a shameless ploy for TV ratings, the Academy of Motion Picture Farts and Scientologists has announced that they’ll be Oprah Winfrey with the Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award, given to an “individual in the motion picture industry whose humanitarian efforts have brought credit to the industry.’” Oprah of course having proven herself in the motion picture industry by putting her name on Precious and starring in The Color Purple in 1986. Reached for comment, last year’s co-host James Franco said, “Huh? …Oh. Heh, whatever.”
Not everyone is applauding the move, because Winfrey hasn’t exactly shown a laserlike focus on movies since her 1986 Oscar nomination for The Color Purple. “She’s in the motion picture industry?” New York Film Critics Circle chair John Anderson asks THR sarcastically. “It seems like a shameless bid for a ratings boost — although once they start showing clips from Beloved and The Color Purple the numbers will plummet.” Many charge that giving Winfrey the philanthropic award is really an attempt to get her to be philanthropic to the academy, by showing up at the February Oscar broadcast as well as the untelevised Governor’s Awards.
The Los Angeles Times’ Patrick Goldstein called Winfrey’s award “boneheaded.” Even a Winfrey fan like former NWFCC chair Armond White, who enthusiastically voted for her in the 1986 National Society of Film Critics Awards and the New York Film Critics Circle Awards, was appalled. “Does this newly announced Academy prize prove that Oprah means the same thing to Hollywood as past Jean Hersholt Award winners Bob Hope, Frank Sinatra, Audrey Hepburn, Elizabeth Taylor, Lew Wasserman, Charlton Heston?” White asks THR rhetorically. “Is this just another way for the academy to continue to grovel for TV ratings?” [TRUTHBOMB'D!] [THR]
I’ve never watched Oprah, and honorary awards don’t matter anyway, but you know what would be an awesome show? A talk show starring a lovable Italian stereotype from the 20s, Woprah. Hey! Wheech-a one-a you-a skeefozo stole alla my cabbage? Come-a listen to-a Papa! I guana give-a you some-a tips for to a-make-a the weight-a loss! Mama Mia, you-a too skeeny! Madonn’, now-a who-a gonna eat-a all thees-a pizza pie!? Manga, manga, you make-a you mama cry!
It’s been a long weekend, folks. I’m sure you’re all plenty sick of your family by now, or God willing, your parents are dead like Jacktion‘s. We’ll get this ship back up to full speed by tomorrow, but in the meantime, please enjoy this gif animation of Oprah releasing the bees. (MINI UPDATE: Apparently this came from Conan. So well done, Conan).