The big news last night was that Deadwood‘s Ian McShane was negotiating to join the cast of Pirates of the Caribbean 4, to be directed by Rob Marshall and starring Johnny Depp.  McShane will play Blackbeard, apparently based on the real guy, Edward Teach.

People seem really excited about this, and I get it.  Johnny Depp is great, and Ian McShane is great, especially as a trade for Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley, who won’t be coming back.  But excuse me for not breaking out the champagne and butt plugs just yet. This is still a third sequel directed by the guy who did Kate Hudson’s perfume commercial and the producer who came up with the idea for Kangaroo Jack.  Hiring Ian McShane to be in this is kind of like getting Christina Hendricks to tell me I have herpes.  Better, yes.  Good, no.

You wanna put Blackbeard in the movie?  If he’s going to put lit fuses in his beard and shoot people with cannons, cool.  You know what I don’t want to see him doing?  Driving an upside-down pirate ship to never-never fairy land to break an ancient curse. You wanna make a pirate movie?  Fine.  But based on the wasted hours Jerry Bruckheimer already owes me, I have to assume this is just going to be National Treasure with boats and eyeliner again.

Turns out Rob Marshall’s flip announcement that he’d be directing Pirates 4 (Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides) is still true, even after his latest, Nine, flopped. According to MSNBC: it’ll shoot this summer, all over a dude’s chest.

The fourth installment of Disney’s popular “Pirates of the Caribbean” series will be filmed in Hawaii, according an announcement Monday by Gov. Linda Lingle.
Johnny Depp will return to his role as Captain Jack Sparrow in “Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides,” which will be released in 2011. The film is produced by Jerry Bruckheimer and directed by Rob Marshall.

The last two were directed by Gore Verbinski, and the last one was harder to sit through than Transformers 2, so I’m glad they’ve got some new blood.  And since it’s Rob Marshall, I imagine he’ll focus on my favorite aspects of the Pirates franchise.  Namely the makeup, and the dancing.

That’s me and my frat bro Jake at the premiere.  Cool outfits, right?  It was a mad house, we had to hold hands in case to keep from getting separated.

(Know why gay pirates never drown?  Because they’re flambuoyant!  Thanks, you guys have been great, don’t forget to tip your drag queens.)

One thing that always bugged me about Pirates of the Caribbean movies was, aside from all the chattering monkeys and ghosts and dancing skeletons and gay crap, why no dance numbers?  Thankfully, that may all change now that Rob Marshall (Chicago, Nine) is directing.

At a DGA screening of Nine, Marshall confirmed that he would be helming the Disney sequel. When asked what he would be doing next, Marshall responded “ya’know, it’s something that I was offered and never in the world thought I would do but then I was like ‘why not?’… I’m doing ‘Pirates of the Caribbean….”  Marshall also mentioned that he had met with Johnny Depp, and that they are both excited to work together.

The fourth film will be based on Tim Powers’ pirate novel On Stranger Tides which was optioned by Disney years ago. The plot of the novel:  Puppeteer John Chandagnac, bound for Jamaica to recover stolen money from his uncle, becomes Jack Shandy after pirates attack his ship and force him to join their crew. Shandy’s struggle to accept his new life grounds the story for readers, even as Blackbeard and vodun magicians whisk everyone away to dreamlike lands where the Fountain of Youth itself awaits. The chaotic sea battles sing, though at times key events happen so quickly that they get lost in the shuffle as Jack tries to comprehend where he’s going and what’s at stake. [/Film, AICN]

Well that’s great.  So many times when I’m watching two ships blast each other with cannon balls while pirates sword fight on the deck, I wonder, “This is great, but what of their existential ennui?”