Thanks to YahooMovies, we have the first clip from Pirates of the Caribbean 4, aka Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, aka Oh God This is Never Going to End is it, from new director Rob Marshall (of Chicago/Nine fame).  In the clip, Jack Sparrow effortlessly beats up the inept guards, runs across the table at a fancy dinner party, makes the fat man in the powdered wig frown, and swings away on a chandelier while grabbing a dinner roll and winking on the way out.  Hey, at least they didn’t go too campy with this one, right?  The only thing missing is a dog covering its eyes with its paws.  If they get through this entire movie without a bad guy falling face first in manure I will eat my tri-corner hat. CURSE YOU, JACK SPARROW, YOU LOVABLE INCORRIGIBLE ROGUE!

Hey, girl, stop playing koi

Get excited, folks, we’ve got a new trailer for Pirates of the Caribbean 4, aka On Stranger Tides, in theaters May 20th. The Pirates of the Carribbean ride at Disneyland always scared the crap out of me as a kid (GRR, DUNGEONS AND WHORES), and throughout this entire franchise, I’d been hoping that they’d make the movie version a little more about that sense of seedy pirate realism and a little less… uh… gay.  It looks like Disney has finally answered my prayers and gone less camp this time around. And by that I mean they hired the director of Chicago for a story about how Jack Sparrow has to sacrifice a mermaid to the fountain of youth to lift an ancient curse. (*sigh*) (*hook-hand dismissive wank*)

[Trailer after the jump, some of the mermaids below, including my new girlfriend, Astrid Berges-Frisbey.]

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USA Today just released the first picture of Johnny Depp and Penelope Cruz on the set of Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, and boy is it exciting.  Here I’ve been dying to know what Penelope Cruz would look like in Party City’s least revealing Adult Halloween costume.

On a blustery gray morning in the Painted Hall of the Old Royal Naval College, Johnny Depp’s seafarer is being dragged forward by guards for an audience with King George II (Richard Griffiths), who wants him to seek the Fountain of Youth.
The king has already recruited Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush) to join the mission, meaning Sparrow’s old nemesis has gone corporate, 1750s-century style.
The proposal goes badly, as expected.
Along the road to the Fountain of Youth, Sparrow will meet a friendly mermaid (Astrid Berges-Frisbey) and be tempted by a wicked former flame (Penelope Cruz) and her sadistic father, Blackbeard (Ian McShane) — but there will be no Will and Elizabeth (Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley). [USA Today]

No Orlando Bloom?  NO ORLANDO BLOOM??!?  This is a travesty.  Why, thy very name is synonymous with excitement and intrigue.
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At Patton Oswalt’s show during Comic-Con this year, he told a story about having been at a past convention with Johnny Depp, who wanted to check out the festivities without getting mobbed.  So Depp had his assistant go to the store and buy the cheapest Jack Sparrow outfit he could find. He put it on and, as he’d predicted, the real Depp was able to blend right in while photographers mobbed the guys who’d probably spent a thousand hours hand crafting the most authentic, period-appropriate Sparrow costumes.

I say this as an elaborate way to tell you that Johnny Depp dressed up in full Sparrow regalia to suprise a 9-year-old British girl at her school this week.  Why?  Because she wrote him a cute letter, of course.

The star is currently in south-east London filming the fourth Pirates Of The Caribbean movie On Stranger Tides and arrived at the Meridian Primary School dressed in full character as Captain Jack Sparrow.
He made the one-off trip after nine-year-old pupil Beatrice Delap wrote to the star asking for help staging a ‘mutiny’ against the teachers.
The school was told just ten minutes before that Depp would be arriving and two blacked-out cars swept through the school gates.
Beatrice revealed what she had written in the letter to the star – or rather his salty seadog alter ego.
She said: ‘Captain Jack Sparrow, At Meridian Primary School, we are a bunch of budding young pirates.  Normally we’re a right handful, but we’re having a bit of trouble mutiny-ing against the teachers! We’d love if you could come and help.
‘Beatrice Delap, aged nine, a budding pirate.’

She said that she was then asked by the star to make herself known from the assembled pupils once he arrived, and gave her a cuddle.  Beatrice marvelled: ‘He gave me a hug and he said, “Maybe we shouldn’t mutiny today ‘cos there are police outside monitoring me.”‘ [DailyMail via Gunaxin]

Christ, in my head I read that letter in an adorable 9-year-old British girl accent and it was like getting snuggled by a thousand corgi puppies.  That was so cute I think I puked glitter.

If a nine-year-old American kid tried this, it’d probably just be an outline of his hand with some ranch dressing spilled on it.

(For the record, implants are still A-okay with the Dread Pirate Roberts)

A recent casting notice from Disney has finally answered the Pirates of the Caribbean 4 question that’s been on all our minds: WILL THE TITTIES BE BIG AND JIGGLY??

The movie studio has banned actresses with artificial enhancements for the fourth installment, “Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides.”  The filmmakers sent out a casting call last week seeking “beautiful female fit models. Must be 5ft7in-5ft8in, size 4 or 6, no bigger or smaller. Age 18-25. Must have a lean dancer body. Must have real breasts. Do not submit if you have implants.”

To make sure LA talent scouts don’t get caught in a “booby trap,” [Editor's Note: to be successful, a pun has to actually make sense] potential lassies will have to undergo a Hollywood-style jiggle-your-jugs test and jog for judges. If there’s nothing moving from the waist up, they’re saying, it’s a dead giveaway that you’re not all flesh and bones — and you’re out.

“In the last movie, there were enhanced breasts to give that 18th-century whorish look, and men were pretty well padded too, and no one worried,” a former casting agent said. “But times are changing, and the audience can spot false breasts.” [NYPost]

Man, I wish I could see a Hollywood-style jiggle-your-jugs test.  So far I’ve only witnessed Cheetahs-by-the-airport jiggle-your-jugs tests.  (Your sister passed).  But I’m glad they’ve taken this step towards realism.  I know if I was trying to watch a movie about Johnny Depp in eyeliner, dancing skeletons, and Orlando Bloom as a pirate, and I spotted some fake tits, I would walk the hell out and demand a refund.  Also, I have a casting idea:

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