"I don't know... let's try getting some more sluts in the frame."

I hope you all saved up money for tickets and commemorative t-shirts, because the Brett Ratner Kinda Sorta Apology Tour is in full swing. You may remember in the last two days how good ol’ Ratface talked about “banging” Olivia Munn back before she was Asian, and endearingly pointed out to a crowded theater that “rehearsal is for f*gs.” Well, now he wants you to know he’s sorry. A little. You know, if you took it wrong. Pussy.

First, his statement on using a gay slur:

“I apologize for any offense my remarks caused. It was a dumb way of expressing myself. Everyone who knows me knows that I don’t have a prejudiced bone in my body. But as a storyteller I should have been much more thoughtful about the power of language and my choice of words.”

As a storyteller? AS A STORYTELLER? Whoawhoawhoa. Pump the brakes, bub. A drunk with a bullhorn tells more subtle and evocative stories than Brett Ratner. It’s like Hooters calling itself a three star French restaurant. And I love the classic “sorry if you were offended” tone. The whole statement might as well say, “Sorry if you homos got mad. I love you guys, really. You’re great to have around so ladies let their guard down. I’ll be more awesome next time. Love (not like that, ew), Ratsy.”

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Folks, we’re about to go deep down a douche rabbit hole here, so fair warning. I promise it will be interesting, but you dance with the devil and the devil don’t change and all of that. Just know what you’re getting into. So, a while back, Olivia Munn wrote a book (“Suck it, Wonder Woman”). One of the juicier passages, so to speak, was a story about short, fat, egotistical director who performed a horrible act on himself while she was alone in a dressing room with him. Now, king crotch-fondler himself, Brett Ratner, has come forward to admit that the crotch-fondler in question was him, though he denies some of her story’s more crotch-fondly aspects. (I believe him, but we’ll get to that).

On Thursday [during an appearance on Munn's old show, Attack of the Show], Ratner came clean, saying that he was that bigwig director, but denied ever having such glistening, self-pleasuring hands. “I used to date Olivia Munn, I’ll be honest with everyone here. But when she was ‘Lisa.’ She wasn’t Asian back then,” he said.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Ah yes, the old she-wasn’t-even-Asian defense. “And bros, I think I know Asians, I’ve done three movies with Jackie Chan.”

“She was hanging out on my set of ‘After the Sunset,’ I banged her a few times, but I forgot her. Because she changed her name. I didn’t know it was the same person and so when she auditioned for me for a TV show, I forgot her, she got pissed off, and so she made up all these stories about me eating shrimp and masturbating in my trailer. And she talked about my shortcomings.” [HuffPo via TheSuperficial]

Yes, pure class, that guy. Now, as luck would have it, I actually had the misfortune of reading Olivia Munn’s book. It might be hard to remember now, but there was a time when I thought she might actually have something to say and just hadn’t been given the opportunity yet. She wrote a book? Ooh, that’s interesting, I thought, now was her chance to open up, tell the world who she really was, beyond a pretty girl in a Star Wars outfit. Instead, it was 300 pages of pictures of Olivia Munn dressed as sexy versions of historical women, badly photoshopped Olivia Munn fan art (from the chapter “My fans rule”), and bold, scintillating assertions such as, “Maybe I’m alone in this, but I don’t think so. Nerds are sexy.”

Basically, a doubling-down on her semi-fake “hot nerd girl” persona. Anyway, I say this only to dispel anyone who reads the following passage from buying the book thinking it’s going to be all anecdotes about fat directors masturbating. Ho no no, don’t we wish. In any case, here are some excerpts from the lone chapter about a fat director masturbating.

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Erinn Hayes, Rob Huebel, and Nick Kroll at the Children's Hospital Comic-Con panel. (Original picture has been slightly altered)

Greetings, Drunkards.  I don’t like to toot my own wiener, but I think this might be our best Frotcast to date.  If you’ve never listened to one before, now might be a good time to bust your cherry.  So, after a hilarious Children’s Hospital panel at Comic-Con (great show, incidentally), I scored an interview with Rob Huebel (Children’s Hospital, The Other Guys, Human Giant, guest spots on The Office, Curb Your Enthusiasm, etc. etc.).  Incredibly, I did so using almost NO BLACKMAIL.  We went on to discuss:

• The Children’s Hospital “outtakes reel” which turned out to be five minutes or so of graphic footage from actual surgeries
• Which comedian does the most drugs
• What Malin Akerman’s hair smells like
• Whether an anime fleshlight can accurately mimic the feel of a cartoon’s vagina.

You might notice that I let Rob Huebel have all of the funny lines.  That’s because I am A PROFESSIONAL.  I sucked it up and played the straight man role so as not to harm his FRAGILE ACTOR’S EGO.  [interview begins at 1:30 and goes until the 29-minute mark.]

After that, I regaled Ben and Brendan with stories of Comic-Con, and at around the 56-minute mark, we discuss the majesty that is Olivia Munn’s book.  SPOILER ALERT: She really does think nerds are sexy, you guys.

• Listen:

This week I’ve got a couple signed Olivia Munn posters to give away to promote her new book, Suck It, Wonder Woman: The Misadventures of a Hollywood Geek.  (I’m also giving away the book, but I have to read it first so I can write a review).  As always, nominate for next week’s Comments of the Week by copy and pasting in the comments section below.

Now for the best.  First, Pauly Dangerously in the Willy Wonka Alternate Ending thread, for getting this song stuck in my head:

Påüłÿ Ðąηgęrσűşľγ says:
Come with meeeee….
And you’ll beeee….
In a wooorld of strangle masturbation.

Next, Chino Moreno’s series from Twilight Shoes Even Gayer Than Expected:

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(For the record, implants are still A-okay with the Dread Pirate Roberts)

A recent casting notice from Disney has finally answered the Pirates of the Caribbean 4 question that’s been on all our minds: WILL THE TITTIES BE BIG AND JIGGLY??

The movie studio has banned actresses with artificial enhancements for the fourth installment, “Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides.”  The filmmakers sent out a casting call last week seeking “beautiful female fit models. Must be 5ft7in-5ft8in, size 4 or 6, no bigger or smaller. Age 18-25. Must have a lean dancer body. Must have real breasts. Do not submit if you have implants.”

To make sure LA talent scouts don’t get caught in a “booby trap,” [Editor's Note: to be successful, a pun has to actually make sense] potential lassies will have to undergo a Hollywood-style jiggle-your-jugs test and jog for judges. If there’s nothing moving from the waist up, they’re saying, it’s a dead giveaway that you’re not all flesh and bones — and you’re out.

“In the last movie, there were enhanced breasts to give that 18th-century whorish look, and men were pretty well padded too, and no one worried,” a former casting agent said. “But times are changing, and the audience can spot false breasts.” [NYPost]

Man, I wish I could see a Hollywood-style jiggle-your-jugs test.  So far I’ve only witnessed Cheetahs-by-the-airport jiggle-your-jugs tests.  (Your sister passed).  But I’m glad they’ve taken this step towards realism.  I know if I was trying to watch a movie about Johnny Depp in eyeliner, dancing skeletons, and Orlando Bloom as a pirate, and I spotted some fake tits, I would walk the hell out and demand a refund.  Also, I have a casting idea:

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