This is the red-band trailer for Neil Marshall’s Centurion, starring Dominic West (McNulty from The Wire) and Michael Fassbender (if I were him, I’d change my name to “Michael F. Assbender”).  I didn’t know much about the plot, so I had a scotch with my old friend Wikipedia and picked his brain.

Centurion Quintus Dias [Fassbender], the sole survivor of a Pictish raid on a Roman frontier fort, is rescued by the legion of Titus Flavius Virilus [McNulty], which has been ordered into Caledonia to wipe out the Picts and to kill their king, Gorlacon. When the legion is wiped out in a surprise attack, Dias and six other survivors race to rescue their captured general before they can head back toward the safety of the Roman frontier.

I was further curious what a Pict was, and my scotch buddy told me they were a confederation of Celtic tribes that merged with the Gaels in the 10th century.  The article was accompanied by this picture, which leads me to conclude that the Picts’ chief hobbies were cutting peoples’ heads off and getting a nice tan on their wieners, much like the Dutch.

Anyway, I like sword fights almost as much as I like dudes in skirts, so I was pretty into the trailer until it got to the part with Olga Kurylenko as old tampon-face mcgee here.  Who wants to bet that she’s a fearsome fighter despite being a 90-pound model with cornrows?  If real life was like an action movie, I’d lock my doors any time I saw a supermodel with too much eye makeup or a hot Asian who scowled.  That would be awful, not being able to trust your own boner. I can’t imagine. I let my boner do my taxes.

Now that The Descent director Neil Marshall is done making the Mad Max of car porns, he turns his attention to where it’s more appreciated, to SWORD FIGHTS AND FIRE AND HOT CHICKS WITH WEIRD HAIR OOH WHA-AH AH-AH!  And … hey, was that McNulty from The Wire?  Anyway, this one’s called Centurion and it opens in April in the UK.  It looks like it’s probably pretty dumb, but I’m okay with dumb, as long as there are enough sword fights and fire.  It’s how I was able to teach special ed for all those years.

Much as I love Timothy Olyphant, Hitman was a movie based on a video game based on an amalgam of b-movies that pretty much everyone hated. But of course Fox wants a sequel.  Or as IESB puts it:

IESB has confirmed that 20th Century Fox has hired writer Kyle Ward to pen the script for the sequel to Hitman!  The original Hitman movie was a bona fide hit released in 2007 with an estimated gross of 100 million dollars in worldwide box office receipts not including DVD sales and television broadcast rights.

Now, I guess I don’t understand the movie business.  Because it seems to me, if you open a pizza place, and everyone on the block comes to the grand opening and buys a slice, but then they spend the next week pissing out their ass and talking about how much your pizza sucks, your receipts may not be the best indicator of the public’s appetite for more of your pizza.   Or as a Fox Exec might say, “Dude! Everyone’s talking about your pizza!”

USA Today today has a feature on Quantum of Solace Bond girl Olga Kurylenko, and of course they go to great pains to point out that this time she’s more than just eye candy.

Bond star Daniel Craig says Kurylenko is part of a new breed of fearsome Bond actresses.
“As long as the women in his life are equal, that’s a far sexier and far more interesting thing to experience. If it’s a one-sided, chauvinistic thing, I don’t think that’s particularly interesting,” he says. “The world’s moved on, thankfully. What was right then is not right now.”
Kurylenko says Camille is “definitely different from other Bond girls.”
“Bond would use girls to get his way. In this movie, Camille does the same thing,” Kurylenko says. “She’s not just this candy a man walks around with. Definitely not that. … She’s not into that falling-in-love thing. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t have heart. She’s still a woman. But she’s very serious about what she does. She’s like a soldier.”

Yeah, totally, a soldier, looks just like one.  Look, you’ll know the world has actually moved on when they write in a female character who’s necessary to the story, not when they try to turn an underwear model into Hugetits McEinsteinegger to prove they’re not chauvinists.  In the meantime, try not to get PC bullshit in my masturbatory teenage fantasy world, thanks.

As previously suspected, this is the final poster for the 22nd Bond movie, Quantum of Solace.  Clearly, Daniel Craig and Olga Kurylenko have just blown some shit up and it got them all hot and so now they’re gonna go bone and they both know it, but they’re trying to play it casual by not looking at each other.  Craig is still holding his gun because it’s, like, a metaphor for his powerful phallus, and plus, chicks dig that shit.  Trust me, dude, I know women.

[FSR]