Oblivion Review: A Pleasing Mash-Up of Older Sci-Fi

Written by Vince Mancini / 04.18.13

I’ll forgive a lot for an IMAX film shot in 4K resolution with a ridiculously dramatic M83 score featuring panoramic vistas of Iceland that I can watch without shitty 3D glasses, but the surprise of Oblivion is that there wasn’t that much to forgive (though the score is pretty overbearing at times). Other than Tom Cruise’s creepy hairless torso, and the fact that every woman in the future seems to be a supermodel who wants to fling herself at Tom Cruise’s creepy, hairless, 20-years-older torso, it’s actually an artful mish-mash of older sci-fi that borrows from just enough sources that it doesn’t feel like a ripoff. It succeeds on the strength of cinematography, character design, and careful withholding of information. It leaves you feeling confused until the very end, much like my lovemaking, and when it finally lays its cards on the table, it feels like it actually had something to say. Or at least, something to say other than “thanks for the 15 dollars, sucker!”

Tom Cruise plays Jack Harper, because “Jack” is to action film heroes what “Madison” is to yuppies, but even the genericness of his name is partially explained later by a clever script. Cruise is part of a “mop-up crew,” a two-person team consisting of Cruise and a hot redhead played by Andrea Riseborough, who live a sick sky-flat with a heated pool and modernist platform bed high above a post-apocalyptic Earth, whose job it is to do maintenance work on series of droids that protect giant, seawater-fed reactors that power the new human colony on Titan, a moon of Saturn. The droids protect the reactors from “Scavs,” the remnants of an alien race that lost a war to the humans, though the Earth was rendered mostly uninhabitable in the process. (*deep breath*) OR SO TOM CRUISE AND THIS REDHEAD BROAD HAVE BEEN TOLD.

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Check Out The New Trailer For ‘Oblivion’

Written by Ashley Burns / 03.01.13

The handcuffs were Tom’s idea.

Prior to yesterday, the only thing I knew about Oblivion was that Tom Cruise allegedly tried to get Olga Kurylenko to sign a contract to become his latest girlfriend while they were filming. And that would have made me sad, because she seems like a delightful young lady who happens to be very fun to look at. But that never happened, and now I know everything there is to know about Oblivion, because a third trailer was released yesterday and now I don’t have to see the movie.

Starring Cruise, Kurylenko and Morgan Freeman, Oblivion is the story of a post-war Earth that has been ravaged by an alien war, and Cruise is playing mop-up duty on the surface as he takes orders from a spaceship full of people. And they keep promising him that they’re going to bring him home to outer space, but he just needs to kill a few aliens first. OR DOES HE???

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Tom Cruise’s Oblivion stars Morgan Freeman in a cape and BRAAAHM sounds

Written by Vince Mancini / 02.13.13

It’s been almost three years since Inception came out, but you’d never know it by this week’s trailers, which are still helping Hollywood’s BRAAAAHM sound operators earn record profits. Didn’t Eisenhower try warn us about the burgeoning BRAAAAHM-sound industrial complex? I fear this has grown beyond our control.

Oblivion, from Tron Legacy director Joseph Kosinski, looks like the kind of sci-fi movie designed for people who thought Looper wasn’t “space-y” or “future-y” enough (not that there’s anything wrong with that). It stars Tom Cruise as a droid maintenance man from a future human colony in space, who spends his days cleaning up the now-uninhabitable surface of the Earth. That is, until ONE DAY (*record scratch) he finds out, surprise surprise, there are still some people down there, and their thetan levels are off the charts. So Cruise orders up some personality tests, hooks everyone to e-meters, and gets them all to help make a recruitment video starring Will Smith’s kids. The video converts the whole galaxy and they all live happily ever after in a psychiatrist-free utopia ruled by Emperor Danny Masterson.

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The $100 million, underwater Chinese Avatar looks incredible

Written by Vince Mancini / 10.23.12

Two years ago it was announced that Bond girl Olga Kurylenko would star, along with no one else you’ve heard of, in a $100 million-budgeted, 3D Chinese ripoff of Avatar (the largest Chinese 3D production ever), called Empires of the Deep, whose synopsis goes as follows:

The fantasy adventure, set in ancient Greece, tells about a young man’s adventure in the undersea mermaid kingdom in order to save his father, while encountering ferocious sea monsters and gets involved in large-scale battles in the seabed between mermaids, monsters and demons. Kurylenko plays the Queen of the Mermaid Empire and stars opposite lead actor Steve Polites and Chinese actress Yanfei Shi.

Not since a giant Indian robot snake slithered around eating cars have I been so embonered by a synopsis for a foreign B-movie. They finally released a trailer, which you can watch below, and I’m here to tell you that it looks EVERY BIT the massively bloated Chinese mermaid adventure we were promised – AND MORE! It looks like if you mixed Avatar with Clash of the Titans, drowned the baby, and then reassembled it in a Chinese sweatshop.

Or in other words, incredible.

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Seven Things About Seven Psychopaths You’re Going to Love

Written by Laremy / 10.11.12
Christopher Walken in 'Seven Psychopaths'

Oddly, this dog had just been decapitated in this scene. That's ACTING.

I lurved Seven Psychopaths. Like legit loved, the sort of love they can use on a poster, and hey lookit, they did just that!

If you squint real hard you can make out my name, I AM DRUNK WITH POWER.

Now, normally I eschew all things hyperbolic (except chambers for old people) but in this case I was happy to be used. To be of service, to throw these fellas a hand, to give my mouth up for their advancement, much like most of Vince’s female relatives (not you, Aunt Sue). This is the rare case where I wanna televangelize, like Billy Graham when he gets off on one of his rants about baby Jesus smotin’ people, except mine would be more of recommendation, and that recommendation would be for you to see Seven Psychopaths in theaters this weekend. Take a crazy buddy who just got out of the joint, or a girlfriend who seems “hip,” or a baby puppy who you can’t leave alone for more than an hour because he pees everywhere like a broken water pump.

Still not convinced?

Okay, let’s break this one down, the same as we did for Looper (SEE? I NO STEER YOU WRONG).

*Don’t worry, I won’t be spoiling anything, because it’s my hope folks will see this one fresh, and unspoiled, like Merry and Pippin when the Orcs kidnapped them.

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