His soulful eyes will follow you around the room.  Especially if you are looking at this on a smartphone or tablet.

The Dark Knight Rises is out today on DVD and Blu-ray and nothing else matters. Still, I know most (all?) of you have seen it and might want to know what else has come out today, so I’m back, providing you with all you need to know when you ultimately decide to just watch Batman again anyway.  Other flicks you won’t actually be watching this week include new films from Meryl Streep, Tommy Lee Jones, Hugh Jackman, and two films with Jennifer Garner.  We’ve got movies that will make you laugh (if Meryl Streep trying to fellate a banana is funny to you), movies that will make you cry (if you are a little kid) and Beasts Of The Southern Wild, a critical-darling  that Vince wasn’t very fond of.  There are films about butter and psycho Santas and professional athletes who believe in magic.  There’s super elves, some spooky VHS tapes, and even a Christmas movie with a talking dog!

The DVDs:
The Dark Knight Rises
Hope Springs
Butter
The Odd Life Of Timothy Green
Beasts Of The Southern Wild
Silent Night
Thunderstruck
Elf-Man
V/H/S
Hemingway
Alps
Last Ounce Of Courage
Reel Evil
12/12/12
A Vampire’s Tale
The Magic Of Christmas II

Streaming: Check out your choices here.

One of these flicks stars a dude from Jackass as a superhero.  The only way to find out which one it is is to continue reading. Another one of these movies has vampires in it.  You might assume it’s A Vampire’s Tale, but you can’t be sure unless you continue reading.  If you want to know which film makes little kids cry -you guessed it, continue reading.  If you want to make me cry, just skip all the DVDs and go right to the Netflix streaming suggestions.  There’s a link right above this paragraph, if that’s how you want to handle things.  For my money (literally), you’d be much better off just clicking the ‘Continue Reading’ link that’s just below this paragraph.  You’d get to the streaming suggestions eventually, and there’s no reason to rush.

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Kids movies, am I right? At least half the movies that make people cry are aimed at young children, as if the makers’ entire goal was to humble their audience and make them submit. I’ve personally never cried at a movie – though there was a some kind of 3D-glasses malfunction during Up that kept making my eyes water – but I can still empathize with these two pre-bros who can’t stop crying after a screening of The Odd Life of Timothy Green. A backseat fit their parents apparently saw fit to share with the world. And through it all, no one even thought to shout “I’LL GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT!”

Spoiler alert:

“He had to die and I didn’t want him to,” howls the younger boy, referring to the death of a central character who meets his end at the film’s denouement.
Though his mom attempts to console him — rationalizing the inevitability of death in the “circle of life” — the child was having none of it.
“But it was so sad. It was just so sad,” the boy says, sobbing. “I didn’t want him to.”
When asked if the movie was worth watching, the child had a warning for potential viewers.
“If you do, you will tear out your eyes. It was so sad,” he responds sagely.
His brother seemed a little more divided on the matter. “There were so many happy and sad moments,” he says through tears. [HuffPo]

I know it’s wrong, and that they’ll probably be taking some sh*t at school for this, but I can’t stop laughing. I guess that makes me no better than these heartless bastard-parents. It’s weird, I didn’t even know John Boehner had kids.

THESE COLORS DON'T RUN!

[Youtuber Geoff Roth via BadassDigest]

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