“Really? Not even one nip?”

Tina Fey is beloved by pretty much everyone not named Taylor Swift, but she’s also a 42-year old mother of two, which means that most of us are pretty cool with the fact that she won’t do nude scenes. But just in case there are still some people out there who would love to see her topless, she reiterated her no-titty stance in a recent interview with Movieline while discussing her new film, Admission, which also stars Paul Rudd. Now there’s an actor I wouldn’t mind seeing topless.

Fey revealed that the film’s script was originally a lot closer to the book, in that there was supposed to be a little freaky naughty sex time between her and Rudd, and those scenes required her to be topless. Sorry pervs, wasn’t gonna happen.

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Dakota Fanning actually turned 18 last February, an event that probably would’ve been accorded more fanfare if she didn’t seem so damned normal. She never seemed like a stereotypical child actor, which makes it that much weirder that she went and did a nude scene as soon as she was legal.

Dakota Fanning might be one of the “Very Good Girls” in her 2013 coming-of-age drama, but that doesn’t mean she didn’t get the chance to show off her bad self in the flick. The actress bares more than just her soul in the film, going nude for the first time on camera.

Get it? “Much more than her soul?” I think they mean her bewbs (.) (.) – ({})

“Yeah, well, I’ve never done that before and I’m very newly allowed to do that,” she explained to MTV News at the Sundance Film Festival, where she was out promoting the movie. “I was newly 18, so yeah, it was, it’s kind of a sensitive thing, but it’s a part of life.”
Fanning grows up big time in the film, which follows her and her pal, played by Elizabeth Olsen, as they embark on their journey through adolescence, on a quest to lose their virginity, and all the repercussions that come along with it. It also means that Fanning had to capture that life-changing moment in the film. [MTV]

Like I said, even as an avowed pervert, this feels weird. I don’t believe in body shame except as it pertains to myself, so if a girl wants to jam out with her clam out, that’s kool and the gang, but this definitely tilts the Dakota Fanning dial that was firmly pointed at “normal” back towards “stereotypical child actress.” But then again, I smoked about eight billion cigarettes the day I turned 18, just because I could, and if the government had said minors couldn’t buy dog poop, I probably would’ve smeared it all over my body like Predator. So I guess I get it. All I know is, she keeps doing nude scenes, she’s going to have to change her name to Dakota FUNning, am I right? (*bow tie spins, gets yanked off stage*)

I can’t believe I made it through this entire post without mentioning Chloe Moretz. Read the rest of this entry »

Come on in, Denzel! Dry out!

If a critic’s first responsibility is to help the reader enjoy a particular work – and I’m not sure I agree, but I’ve heard that – with Flight that’s an easy one: stay for the first 20 minutes and then leave. You’ll get an awesome nude scene, Denzel ACTING, and a harrowing plane landing, and you’ll leave forever wondering what could have been. I promise, it’ll be better in your mind, for the same reason your teachers always used to tell you to read a book instead of watching TV. “Go on a FLIGHT, on the wings of your own IMAGINATION!”

If you do happen to stay, though, you’ll be treated to an extended infomercial for AA, an important after-school special about the dangers of alcoholism, a very special episode of the Denzel Show.

Flight is your basic example of a good premise in search of a movie. We open on Denzel, morning, in his hotel room full of empty Miller bottles, where he’s been up all night banging a preposterously proportioned, ludicrously hot flight attendant who has just woken up and is walking around stark naked, as hot babes are wont to do (as I know from my extensive research). Nadine Velazquez plays the flight attendant, and it would be impossible to overstate how fantastic her breasts are. They just sort of haunt the background for a while like chubby apparitions, all perky and ready to greet the day, while Denzel smokes a cig and argues with his ex-wife over the cell phone. He’s got family problems, you see, the poor guy. He takes a bump of coke to sober up and they hit the airplane.

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Amanda Seyfried is currently busy shooting Lovelace, a biopic about a lady famous for shoving giant penises down her throat, but despite that, Seyfried, who has already done topless scenes in Chloe (ahem), says she’ll never do “full frontal.”

PRUDE ALERT, PRUDE ALERT! (*rings bell, adds more Everclear to jungle juice*) Well la di da, Princess Too Cool to Free Muff. What do you think, Burnsy, should we let her into the party? Seems like she might be too uptight to enjoy it.

Amanda Seyfried covers Glamour’s March 2012 issue and opens up about her personal life, competing with other twenty-something actresses for roles and why she’ll probably never go full-frontal for a film — even for one about a porn star.

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Machete Maidens Unleashed is a documentary about the golden age of Filipino exploitation cinema from the 70s and 80s, director Mark Hartley’s follow up to

“This is Mark F-Stop Fitzgerald. If his camera could talk, he’d be arrested for statutory rape.”

A glorification of illegal, underage porno that’s also a vague reference to The Great Gatsby?  I think I’m in love.  You can check out the trailer below, which I wouldn’t recommend if you’re at work, which also contains the line “I used to say I’d let you all pee in my face just to see where it came from, but hell, not anymore!”  Weird, that was always my grandfather’s favorite saying.  It also features a sassy black heroine tying a bad guy’s penis to a door knob and slamming it shut (“things were a little tense, but I think it came off all right,”), interviewees detailing how “stunt men” were basically poor people who were paid to take real beatings, and real corpses were used for special effects.  CGI, schmee gee eye, those were the days.  It once again proves that if Asia were high school, Japan would be the valedictorian, but The Philippines would throw the best parties.

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