UPDATE, 2/7: A talked to a source close to the original post, who said that the author intended it to be more than a little bit sarcastic and tongue in cheek. Frankly, that makes a lot of sense. And the person was very nice, so keep that in mind as you read it. Perhaps my Portlandia comparison was less newsworthy than just… taken at face value?

Excuse yet another non-movie-related digression from me, but this was just too perfect not to share. So I’ve been apartment hunting here in San Francisco for the past week, and I love this city, but man, many of the stereotypes about us are true, and never are they laid more plain than when you’re scrolling through Craigslist ads. The “vegan household seeks non-meat-eater,” the “we don’t have a TV in the common area and we’d like to keep it that way” – you’d think you were looking for a drum circle instead of a room. There are plenty of non-noteworthy “only in SF”-type posts (and even typing “only in SF” makes me want to kick my own ass), but the one I’m about to share manages to combine nearly every stereotype into one, magnificently un-self-aware post. If Portlandia was about San Francisco, the person who wrote this would be one of the characters.

I’m trying to leave out identifiers and not link the post so this poor girl doesn’t get a million emails, but here’s the text (names have been changed):

It’s 7:14am and the sun is beginning to reach through the window, around your curtains, gently rousing you from an undisturbed night of rest. Sitting up, you hear the jingle of a bell – it’s Bambina the cat, scurrying towards her food bowl. You know that your lovely roommate, Marina, will soon follow, rubbing the sleep from her eye and muttering about the “little bastard” under her breath. Minutes later, Kyle walks past with one of his many bicycles. You wish him a nice day as he heads out the door to his job at an ad agency.

Stepping into the newly remodeled kitchen, Marina asks if you would like to taste some of the kale smoothie she just made…it is surprisingly delicious. You sip the delicious smoothie and look out onto the garden where a hummingbird is gracefully sipping it’s [sic] own breakfast from a flower.

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So we’re calling this “The Shawshank Omelette.” Burnsy discovered it the other day and I don’t have much to add, other than to say that it’s fantastic. I hear it comes with hash browns and 500 yards of sh*t smelling foulness that you can’t even imagine. Served with a tall drink of water and a silver spoon up your ass.

[source]

Bros, we’ve all been there before. It’s Friday night, there’s nothing going on, and you just want to have a lone bro night with a case of grape soda and a brand new copy of LOL on Blu-Ray. And of course you need your $5 Domino’s Pizza, because you can’t beat that value. That dude in the commercial says that pizza is worth at least $13, so go ahead and get yourself an order of garlic knots, too. You’ve earned it.

But God forbid the delivery man forget those knots, because there will be hell to pay. Especially in Florida, the violence-over-balls-of-buttered-dough capital of the world.

Robert Wheeler, 48, was busted last week following the confrontation outside his Vero Beach home. The 346-pound Wheeler… was arrested by Indian River County Sheriff’s Office deputies for misdemeanor battery.

The deliveryman, Jonathon Feigen, told investigators that Wheeler struck him below the left eye after he rolled down the window of his vehicle. Feigen, 19, added that, “Wheeler punched him because he forgot the garlic knots.” (Via The Smoking Gun)

That sounds like a pretty ridiculous reason to be punching a person. Can we at least get the massive hulk of a man’s side of the story first?

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As the Sundance Film Festival begins today, so does the search of every Hollywood executive for this year’s Martha Marcy May Marlene, which was the breakout hit of last year’s event, winning Sean Durkin the award for Best Director. Most industry analysts expect that this year will be one of the busiest ever at Sundance, as movies will be gobbled up like crazy by studio executives, which is good news for Vince’s debut entry, Perfect Stranger: That Time I Sat on Both Hands.

Unfortunately, I can’t offer much insight into the hype of this year’s Sundance because I haven’t done my homework. I have, however, watched one video about an 8-year old Australian girl’s struggle to succeed in the music industry. After the jump, I implore you to watch Juliet’s “My First Hardcore Song”, which I am openly endorsing to be made into a documentary film for next year’s Sundance Film Festival, because it is truly an epic work of art that crosses over multiple genres.

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At Bay to Breakers last weekend, I think I counted a good 30 variations on Black Swan costumes (including a black guy dressed as a regular swan, which I thought was nicely subtle), making it by far the most popular costume of the day.  That got old fast, but even that couldn’t make me jaded enough not to appreciate these Black-Swan-themed jerseys that an indoor soccer team in Dallas made for their league matches.  They call themselves the “Portman-Kunis United,” and yes, their logo is two crossed scissors.  Said team captain Mike Miller in an email to BeautifulGear:

“I’ve got an indoor soccer team in Division 11 (1 being best, 11 being worst… obviously) here in Dallas Texas and I would like to submit our team jerseys which I designed and made. The patches are embroidered and the lettering is authentic jersey vinyl on Adidas Predator blanks. While we only finished 3rd in our division, I like to think we looked good doing it. The team name is Portman Kunis United (aka The Scissors). It’s a tribute to Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman in the movie Black Swan, for their….. amazing acting. Notice the handcrafted numbering, custom with a swan on each number.”

Ahh, nothing like subtle, classy vulgarity.  I wonder if the team handshake involves putting your palms together and interlocking fingers perpendicularly.  Now you’re turn to peek, hee hee!  And bonus points for not calling it a “kit.”  When spoken with an American accent, that word roughly translates to “I’m pretentious!.”

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