(Viggo shepherds his son through the post-apocalyptic hellscape)

Opening this weekend (Trailers after the jump):

Fantastic Mr. Fox
I thought Darjeeling Limited was decidedly meh, so I’m hoping for a Wes Anderson to return to form here.  It’s already gotten an enthusiastic review from Punchface Thunderdog, and I’ll be finding out for myself in just a few minutes. So, you know, that’s what’s going on with me.

The Road
I loved the book, but it seemed like something that would be hard to adapt, and I wasn’t so hot on The Proposition, director John Hillcoat’s last movie.  I found it sort of slow and depressing.  Like giving your mom a sponge bath.

Ninja Assassin
It looks like a sort of ham-fisted mashup of every over-stylized action movie from the last ten years, like Boondock Saints with ninjas.  Also, the main weapon is CGI.  But I guess it’s great if you want to see a dude named “Rain” flex for two hours.

Old Dogs
I would rather watch an Al-Qaeda video featuring my own beheading, filmed in the future and projected back to me in the present where I could view it in real time.  Though it should be noted that Pete Hammond gave it an enthusiastic two flippers up.

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(It’s ironic that the spark factory is where dudes most often go shirtless)

I’m still convinced this film is going to blow massive yak nuts, but at least Ninja Assassin finally has a decent trailer.  It’s basically the male equivalent of Twilight.  Full of lame clichés and even sort of missing the whole point as to what it’s supposed to be about (confuses macho posturing for violence just like Twilight confuses melodrama with romance), at least this one focuses on the blood instead of the horrible plot.  Granted, the blood is CGI as are the weapons, but it does have a shirtless Asian guy in a spark factory and a chick getting chopped up and stuffed in washing machine.  Not exactly my fetish, but… I could ‘bate to it.

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(“Hey, bros, watch me pose shirtless with these swords I never actually cut anyone with.”)

I always get a couple people whining in the comments section when I rip on Ninja Assassin (from Wachowski Bros protege James McTeigue and Korean pop star Rain), but come on, tell me this synopsis doesn’t give you a major case of the dismissive wanks.  From Collider:

Raizo is one of the deadliest assassins in the world. Taken from the streets as a child, he was transformed into a trained killer by the Ozunu Clan, a secret society whose very existence is considered a myth. But haunted by the merciless execution of his friend by the Clan, Raizo breaks free from them…and vanishes. Now he waits, preparing to exact his revenge. In Berlin, Europol agent Mika Coretti has stumbled upon a money trail linking several political murders to an underground network of untraceable assassins from the Far East. Defying the orders of her superior, Mika digs into top secret agency files to learn the truth behind the murders. Her investigation makes her a target, and the Ozunu Clan sends a team of killers to silence her forever. Raizo saves Mika from her attackers, but he knows that the Clan will not rest until they are both eliminated. Now, entangled in a deadly game of cat and mouse through the streets of Europe, Raizo and Mika must trust one another if they hope to survive…and finally bring down the elusive Ozunu Clan.

Blow me.  And of course the clips are all stylized slo-mo and wire fu.  Haha, I love you, masturbatory posturing.  All I’m saying is if you film two guys sword fighting, someone better be getting a limb cut off or else they may as well be frotting.
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This is the trailer for Ninja Assassin, from V for Vendetta director and protege of the Wachowski… uh, siblings… James McTeigue. And for extra credit, it stars a Korean pop star known simply as “Rain.”  Well, looks like now’s good a time as any to break out the played-out crappy action movie checklist. Shall we?

• Ninjas? Assassins?  Check and check, obvi.
• Origin story?  Check.
• Underexposed for dramatic effect?  Check.
• Gruff Asian mentor with thick accent?  Check.
• Pop musician attempting to act? Check.
• Homoerotic shirtless training montage?  Check.
• Protagonist raised by fraternity of assassins?  Check.
• With whom he later has a falling out?  Check.
• Slow-motion CGI weaponry?  Check.
• Car driving through explosion? Check.
• Cheesy butt rock soundtrack courtesy of Linkin Park or Papa Roach or God forbid… Hoobastank?  Check. (*shudder*)
• Epic choir gasps???  Check and mate, motherf*cker! TICK TICK TICK… SPLOOGE!

Well that clinches it, this looks familiar enough for me to go see (I spaz out like an autistic kid when movies get too unpredictable).   Man, one job that must be recession proof is the people in that epic opera gasp choir.  Between UFC events and movies based on graphic novels, they must work 18 hours a day. You can just see them practicing. Instead of a baton, the conductor just stands at the podium karate chopping boards.  Ahh ahh ah-ah!  Ahh ah ah ahhh-ahh AH AH….

Since I know how much all you FilmDrunkards love watching a shirtless, muscular Asian guy with flowing feminine locks work out, check out this training video.  It comes from 87 Eleven, the stunt coordinating team behind Ninja Assassin, the Wachowski siblings-produced, James McTeigue (V for Vendetta)-directed action film coming out later this year.

During the training, Rain [star of Ninja Assassin and a Korean pop star] has lived on the restricted diet of only chicken breast and vegetables for 8 months, trained for 10 hr a day and achieved the incredible body with 0% body fat.

I’m not a doctor (I just play one with kids from the neighborhood), but I’m pretty sure only mummies have 0% body fat.  Maybe the synopsis was written in North Korea.  Anyway, the video reminds me of the guys I see at the gym who train sword and stick fighting and pitch it like it’s some kind of self-defense.  Ahh, I see you’re practicing the ancient martial art of carrying a giant f-cking weapon around with you all the time. I think I read about that in Sun Tzu.
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