(“Iron my shirt.”)

After the jump, I’ve got the full trailer for the Michael Bay-produced Nightmare on Elm Street remake, starring Jackie Earle Haley.  Let me see if I can sum up the plot: 

Sometimes when you’re dreaming, you’ll know you’re dreaming, because illogical things begin to happen.  Like it starts snowing… inside! WTF!? LOL!

And that’s when the fruity toolbags in cardigans show up:

Wait, I can’t wake up!  This must mean I’m… NOT DREAMING!!

WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

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(Where you going, stupid?  All the good stuff’s under the water.)

After the jump, Wolverine’s ne’er-do-well, heroin-addict cousin Freddy Krueger is back in the trailer for the new Nightmare on Elm Street remake from Michael Bay’s production company.  Michael is desperate for cash these days, as his C4 habit is up to four bricks a day.
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A production company that remakes old horror movies is kinda like a meth dealer, and the clientele is largely the same.  Platinum Dunes is just such a company.  Their latest half-cooked project is a Nightmare on Elm Street remake, and director Samuel Bayer thinks he has a fool-proof plan to make us give a sh*t again.  What’s that plan, you ask?  MORE XXXXTREEEME!!! MORE BODIES HITTING THE FLOOOOR!!! 

Fewer one-liners, more flat-liners. That’s what fans should expect when the rebooted Freddy Krueger shreds his way onto screens in April.

Also: less line reading, more line snorting.

“I don’t think it’s a funny movie. If a character is wisecracking and killing you at the same time, it’s not very funny,” says Samuel Bayer, director of the new A Nightmare on Elm Street. “I’m taking this very seriously.”

“It’s (going to be) darker, more serious, more intense and hopefully scarier,” says Jackie Earle Haley, who inherits the role [after resurrecting his career by playing a wisecracking killer in Watchmen -Ed] from genre icon Robert Englund . [Canoe]

I agree, serious and earnest is definitely the way to go when you’re doing an unnecessary remake.  People love that.  That’s why when I sing karaoke, I pretend I’m actually the person whose song I’m singing for at least a week ahead of time.  And then when I sing the song, I do it better than the original.  Because when I sing “I wanna hold your hand,” people know that I really do want to hold the f*ck out of your hand.

Michael Bay’s production company, Platinum Dunes – who’ve previously produced remakes of Friday the 13th, The Hitcher, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, etc. – have announced they’ll be remaking, er, rebooting, A Nightmare on Elm Street.  They say it won’t be your grandma’s Freddy Krueger movie (probably because it’ll be your retarded nephew’s Freddy Krueger movie).

“It’s not Freddy cracking jokes. We want to make a horrifying movie. The concept is so scary, don’t fall asleep or you’ll die. This guy gets you when you’re most vulnerable, in your sleep. We love that. That’s the basis of the movie. It’ll be most similar to the first one but in terms of kills and dreams we’ll borrow from the entire series.” [via Shocktillyoudrop]

We love that movie, that’s why we’re going to make another movie about that movie. This is what passes for inspiration nowadays. I really liked that scene in Risky Business, so I remade it.  Pretty smart, right? Look, I don’t wanna sound too harsh here, but everyone at Platinum Dunes needs f-ck off and get a real job. Quoth the movie blogger.