It’s your lucky day, folks. Not only is it Friday, but I’ve got the first trailer for the Fred Figglehorn movie!  You can watch it above, or a higher-res version on Nickelodeon’s crappy player here.  The Fred phenomenon is strange and terrifying for anyone over the age of 12, so I’ll leave the synopsis to one of his fans:

Here is the official Fred the Movie trailer!!!!!!! Hope u like it :p Cant believe pixie lott is Judy and Sam from iCarly is Bertha lol. The plot is Judy moves away, and Fred goes to look for her, but he finds out that she only moved up the block XD you’ll be happy to know that his voice isn’t as squeaky so thats ok :)

Another user adds:

“mmmmm…… i’m gonna smell like green apples”! haha lmao

Lmao indeed.  Look, nothing against this kid, because as annoying as he is, he’s basically just a little kid whose obnoxiousness littler kids find entertaining, for whatever reason.  But if you take one thing away from this, it should be this: take a look around you. Do you hate your job?  I know I sure did. But as crappy as your job might be, at least you’re not the poor bastards who probably worked 15 hour days watching this kid do 12 takes of his grating shtick to help some suit at Nickelodeon cash in on this Fred thing.  Back when I was working as a grip and production assistant, I once worked on a commercial for this Indian casino.  The commercial involved an old lady winning a slot machine jackpot (after all, consider the target audience here), and I swear to God, I watched this old lady scream like she was having an orgasm probably 200 times in a row.  At the time I was thinking that starring in bukkakke porn would be less embarrassing than that lady’s job.  Today, I’m trying to imagine what it’d be like to replace that old lady orgasming with Fred f*cking Figglehorn, and then instead of the three days I worked on that commercial, four or six or eight weeks.  Now you have an idea of what the crew of Fred must’ve experienced.  Where’s Mike Rowe’s profile on these guys?  I hope you’re feeling cheered up right now, because even if you’re cleaning bed pans, I guarantee you your job is better than that.

The Last Airbender is Manny Shyamalan’s adaptation of the animated Nickelodeon cartoon starring the sullen kid from Slumdog Millionaire.  This is the first teaser for it, and it doesn’t give us much.  Just a bald kid with an arrow on his head fighting some candles with a stick. I’m guessing he’s the one or the chosen one or the grand imperial wizard or Harry Potter’s f*ckbuddy or whatever.

The story follows the adventures of Aang, a ten year old successor to a long line of Avatars, who must put his childhood ways aside [isn't it "childish ways"?] and stop the Fire Nation from enslaving the Water, Earth and Air nations. [TrailerAddict]

And how will he do that???  You guessed it, he’s going to steal a Heart ring from Captain Planet.  That Heart ring guy was always a pussy anyway.

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Oh man.  So Manny Shyamalan, fresh off his latest huge flop, is directing The Last Airbender, an adaptation of an anime series from Nickelodeon, starring Dev “Captain Sullenface” Patel from Slumdog Millionaire.  Shyamalan, anime, Nickelodeon, Slumdog… The only way I could hate this idea any worse is if you added “featuring a cameo by white guys with dreadlocks, soundtrack by Coldplay, a commentary by Tyra Banks and the cast of The View, and a special appearance by my asshole neighbor who listens to R&B with his speaker on the floor.”  Oh God.  Can you imagine?  This is going to be more self-serious than Jesse James and Def Poetry Night put together.  Every time I hear about this project, I turn into this guy.

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_{Haha, hi, kids!  Let’s pretend this isn’t super weird!}

Nickelodeon’s annual festival of good-clean-fun porno and pretending kids have a say in what entertainment gets fed to them happened last night.  As you can imagine, it was the usual mix of who’s that?, I hate them!, and why is Will Ferrell embarrassing himself like this?  Anyway, this creepy ode to pandering and borderline child porn seriously skeeves me out, so I’m just gonna post the winners, a few pics, and a video for your perusal while I go take a shower.  (Think I’m overreacting? I dare you to watch until the 2:27 mark of the video after the jump where Marlon Wayans asks Miley Cyrus if she’s wearing a thong and not be weirded out).

Favorite Movie
High School Musical 3: Senior Year

Favorite Male Movie Star
Will Smith, Hancock

Favorite Female Movie Star
Vanessa Hudgens, High School Musical 3: Senior Year

Favorite Animated Movie
Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa

Favorite Voice from an Animated Movie
Jack Black, as Po, Kung Fu Panda

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Up until recently, Eddie Murphy and Nickelodeon films had collaborated only in my worst nightmare. But Imagine That comes out in June, and today USA Today ran a fawning piece about it.

Eddie Murphy, plus adorable little girl, a little bit of fantasy and lots of funny — it could be a winning formula. Murphy, who has proved to be appealing with kids and animals [and tranny hookers -Ed.], plays a successful financial exec who’s too busy to bother with 7-year-old Olivia. That is, until she and her invisible pals (princesses, a queen and a dragon) start giving him stock tips —good stock tips.

“He begins to get interested in her for the wrong reason, and in that process, he learns to see who she is and becomes a different man,” says producer Lorenzo Di Bonaventura.

“The obvious metaphor is we need to slow down and listen to our children,” adds director Karey Kirkpatrick. “This is the kind of movie people are going to say, ‘Eddie is back and doing the kind of thing we like to see him do.’ Not only is he funny, he’s genuine and heartfelt, and the relationship rings very true.”

Adds Di Bonaventura: “Anyone who sees it and doesn’t cry does not have a heart.”

Oh, I’ll cry.  I’ll cry because YOU’VE ALREADY MADE THIS MOVIE A THOUSAND F-CKING TIMES.  Die in a fire.