No one was really sure what to think about Gangster Squad after the release date got bumped twice (it’s still not set, though we can assume some time this year), not to mention that it comes from director Ruben Fleischer, whose 30 Minutes or Less didn’t do too well critically or financially (I thought it was misconceived from start to finish, and I wasn’t sold on Zombieland either). But now the trailer is here, and holy balls does it look frickin’ awesome. It stars a murderer’s row of talent – Sean Penn, Josh Brolin, Emma Stone, Nick Nolte, Giovanni Ribisi, Michael Peña, Anthony Mackie, and Ryan Gosling – and it looks like it has the potential to be the Ellroy-esque, period shoot-em-up we all wanted Public Enemies to be. Plus, it’s got a new character, whom I like to call Old-Timey Gangster Baby Goose!

“Mmm’yeah, dame, you look like you could use a hug, see?”

“Hand ovah the wallet* on the double, or else I’ll fill ya fulla tickles! *I wanna monogram it for you.”

“You’ll never take me alive, coppah! In fact, I’ll drive us instead, that way you can have a drink. Go ahead, live it up, you deserve it for working so hard.”

“Oh, a wiseguy, eh? You must’ve studied pretty hard to be so smart. Here, have a bran muffin.”

“Your hands ain’t so clean! Here, try some lavender soap, girl.”

“I didn’t ask ya for any lip! Not on the first date. I respect your boundaries, girl. Care for some Grapefruit?”

“It was you, Fredo. You stole my heart. You’re the best goldfish ever.”

Jeez, this is fun. How about we make it a trending topic? #GangsterBabyGoose. Go.

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Nick Nolte recently opened up to GQ about his infamous mugshot (also an award-winning Twitter persona), taken after he got arrested in 2002 for driving under the influence of GHB and fell asleep while he was being processed (he was trying to date rape himself, basically). An interesting note was that Nolte told GQ that the infamous picture wasn’t actually a mugshot:

The common misconception about the freak-haired-wild-man photo taken that day is that it was Nolte’s police mug shot. It was not. (He did pose for a mug shot, but that has never leaked.) At the hospital where Nolte was taken for a blood test, a young officer asked him if he could take a Polaroid. “I said, ‘Come on, you don’t really want to ask that, do you?’ ” Nolte recalls. But he did. Nolte figured that the officer had been talking to the others about how this might be worth having, and so Nolte made him agree that, if he posed, the young officer would share any proceeds with his colleagues. “And I let him shoot the Polaroid.”

But a few days after that hit, TheSmokingGun, who were the first to publish the original photo, told a different version of the story:

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"What, pussy? How do YOU hotbox?"

It’s been a few days now since GQ published their profile of Nick Nolte, and I apologize that I wasn’t able to get to it sooner, but there’s just so much pure gold in it. Better late than never. Nick Nolte is what every celebrity should be.

First, the quote that says it all:

In his living room, next to a cage for the crow Nolte and his son recently adopted, are a basket of didgeridoos and a multitude of drums and bongos.

“Hey, shitass, put the bong back in the didgeridoo basket where it belongs. And make sure not to disturb the crow.” I cannot get enough of this visual. I like to imagine Nolte “adopted” the crow after he found it in his sock one morning.

Among other revelations are that Nolte wasn’t drunk for his infamous DUI arrest, but rather high on GHB, which he’d dissolved in some cranberry juice that he was drinking. It doesn’t say this in the story, but I like to imagine the cranberry juice was to “clean up my piss hole after I got into some bad whores.”

“They use it to make your workouts big and full. It helps volumize the muscles—it’s a known fact. I mean, I was cut and buffed and in great shape.” But as the morning progressed, he sipped a little too much. Recently that had been happening more and more often. “I was thinking about stopping,” he says.

The common misconception about the freak-haired-wild-man photo taken that day is that it was Nolte’s police mug shot. It was not. (He did pose for a mug shot, but that has never leaked.) At the hospital where Nolte was taken for a blood test, a young officer asked him if he could take a Polaroid. “I said, ‘Come on, you don’t really want to ask that, do you?’ ” Nolte recalls. But he did. Nolte figured that the officer had been talking to the others about how this might be worth having, and so Nolte made him agree that, if he posed, the young officer would share any proceeds with his colleagues. “And I let him shoot the Polaroid.

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"What, pussy? How do YOU hotbox?"

FilmDrunk alter-ego Nick Nolte recently sat down for an interview with Movieline, and to my delight, it was awesomely Nick Nolte-ish.Whether it’s narrowly escaping a house fire, rummaging through trash cans looking for his satchel filled with beer and Xanex, or using “read a line” as a euphemism for snorting coke off his scripts, at 70 years old, Nick Nolte is still an unkillable machine of pure mischief, a human one-eared raccoon. He stars in this weekend’s Warrior, and from the sound of it, he spent the whole shoot raisin’ hell and not givin’ a f*ck like it was his job, because it basically is.

ML: Did you have a local bar where you did your drinking?
NOLTE: No, I had this assistant and she had a boyfriend who was a little… [Pauses] Mixed-up. The assistant was a little mixed-up too. We had been rehearsing a week and I said to her, “Should we do the right thing and go home? Or do we do the wrong thing and go to a club and meet up with your boyfriend? I’ll leave it up to you.”ML: Oh no!

NOLTE: That was a terrible thing to do. Of course she said, “Let’s meet with Bobby.” We meet with Bobby even though I have to rehearse in the morning at 10 o’clock. Come 5 o’clock, we’re still at this apartment. There was booze and you know, other stuff. We rolled into rehearsal the next morning and I went straight to Gavin’s [O'Connor, the director] assistant and said, “Man, you wouldn’t believe the night I had. There was more cocaine there, more alcohol, this guy with tattoos all over him and rings, this girl who wanted to leave with me but she had been with him for 10 years and he was threatening to kill me. We barely got out of there alive.”

By “we” barely got out of there alive, I think he means everyone else, because everyone knows Nick Nolte cannot be killed by traditional methods. Nick Nolte stared death square in the face and spit tobacco juice on his robe.

In any case, I think “Booze and Other Stuff” would be a great title for Nick Nolte’s autobiography.

THE TRAILER FOR KEVIN JAMES’ THE ZOOKEEPER IS FINALLY HERE AND IT LITERALLY HAS EVERYTHING! KEVIN JAMES ACTING SCHLUBBY! KEVIN JAMES DATING OUT OF HIS LEAGUE! KEVIN JAMES GETTING DUMPED FOR BEING SCHLUBBY!  KEVIN JAMES FALLING DOWN! MONKEY REACTION SHOTS!  KEVIN JAMES FAILING AT MANLY STUFF! KEVIN JAMES FALLING DOWN AGAIN! KEVIN JAMES DANCING! KEVIN JAMES RUINING A FANCY DINNER!  KEVIN JAMES ACTING LIKE A GORILLA!  KEVIN JAMES RAPPING WITH A GORILLA! BUT WILL KEVIN JAMES ACTUALLY THROW HIS POOP LIKE A CHIMP? FIND OUT JULY 8TH! IF YOU LIKE MEXICAN SITCOMS AIMED AT CHILDREN, YOU’LL LOVE THE ZOOKEEPER!

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