She evolved them teeth for shotgunnin' Coors cans when you can't find a pocket knife

UPDATE: Now with video, after the jump.

I wasn’t sure if I was going to cover Miley Cyrus’ “lurid” lap dance after all the gossip sites beat me to it, but I think the scene of the crime and the people involved deserve some attention.  First, the story.

From Radar via WWTDD:
The video shows Adam Shankman on the dance floor with a drink in hand grinding up against Cyrus’ backside while she grinds back. At one point Cyrus turns around and seductively opens the top layer of her shirt, teasing Shankman with her flirty dance moves.  In a second clip to the video, Cyrus is seen giving Shankman a lap dance while children under the age of 10 sit less than five feet away watching the Hannah Montana star, and neither her mother Tish nor father Billy Ray were present at the party.

Okay, so the Disney Channel trained one of their faux-wholesome stars to act like an underage prostitute and some kids saw a lap dance.  I give that a “what’s new” and a “who cares”, respectively.  But I need to give you an idea of the kind of cretinous dildos who were present at this part.

First off, this was at a wrap party for The Last Song, the movie Miley Cyrus starred in based on a novel by Nicholas Sparks, the male Stephenie Meyers who compares himself to Hemingway and Sophocles and thinks Cormac McCarthy sucks.  The movie was about a girl who rescues a nest of sea turtle eggs from raccoons, and in the process, learns to love the piano again, by the way.  And that guy she was giving a lap dance to? Adam Shankman, the guy who was once moved to tears by a contestant on So You Think You Can Dance and directed the following movies:
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I just invented a new game, you guys.  Here’s how you play: Take a movie none of us are going to see (The Last Song, adapted from the Nicholas Sparks novel, starring Miley Cyrus, Liam Hemsworth, and Greg Kinnear), then, try to recreate the plot using only exposition from the horrible reviews it’s getting.  Ready?  Let’s go!

Kinnear’s character, we’re told, fell asleep at the chapel piano one night and may have caused a painful fire, so he’s living with guilt and secrets and struggling to re-engage with Ronnie. -Chicago Tribune

Ronnie never misses an opportunity to make dad feel bad for splitting up with her mom (Kelly Preston). She’s so spiteful that she hasn’t touched a piano in years and refuses to attend Juilliard, which has accepted her on the basis of her reputation. -Boston Globe

…despite the concerns of her mother that Ronnie barely graduated high school and “failed her SATs.” -USA Today

She’s still smarting from her parents’ divorce and nursing a major attitude. This means ignoring her acceptance to Juilliard, and befriending kids who spend all night partying under the boardwalk. -NYDailyNews

She does this on an idyllic island paradise off Savannah, Georgia, where her dad is a classical composer whose pastime is restoring stained-glass windows.  She blames her dad for the divorce, is sullen and withdrawn. Ten minutes after she hits the beach (dressed in Gothic black), her milk shake is spilled by a flying volleyball player named Will (Liam Hemsworth). -Roger Ebert

In addition to the terminal illness (signaled by a telltale cough around the movie’s midpoint), there is a church fire that Ronnie’s dad is believed to have started, a wayward friend with a bad boyfriend, another friend with a dead brother, a nest of sea turtle eggs menaced by a raccoon, and a romance — did I mention it was star-crossed? -NY Times

Two things soften Ronnie’s hard shell. She discovers a sea turtle nest and vows to protect it from raccoons. And she meets a boy. -Detroit Free Press

Though a blond ex-girlfriend and the hero’s snobbish mother try to split them, we know they’ve bonded over her trying to help sea turtles hatch on the beach. -NY Post

Sadly, none of the critics had the balls to reveal the ending.  After all the raccoons, sea turtles, beach volleyball, and church fires, I’m guessing the only way to tie everything together would be for Ronnie to fight a giant spider in the third act.

Yahoo just released a bunch of new pictures from Dear John, and I’m finding myself slightly obsessed with this film.  Look at how earnest and wholesome it is!  It’s like a Kirk Cameron film without the conflict and threats of eternal damnation!  It’s like a Tyler Perry film without the strugglin ta make ends meet and cross dressing (and scary minorities)!  When this plays, they should hand out magic underwear in the lobby.  Or let families watch it from the comfort of their minivan.  Haha, let’s all go out for ice cream!

Based on the Nicholas Sparks novel, is the trailer for The Last Song, starring Miley Cyrus as a rebellious teenager who has to spend the summer with her estranged father, a concert pianist played by Greg Kinnear.  Or as I like to call it, A Wank to Remember.

Dear John is the latest film adapted from a Nicholas Sparks novel (The Notebook, Message in a Bottle, A Walk to Remember, Nights in Rodanthe).  I’ve never read one of his books, but I’ve heard they’re very popular among women who like to have a good cry for reasons not relating to fatness.   In this one, directed by Lasse Hallström (Cider House Rules, What’s Eating Gilbert Grape) with a script by Jamie Linden (We Are Marshall), Channing Tatum plays a soldier who surfs and does other stuff that involves taking his shirt off, and meets Amanda Seyfried, a pretty college student who loves the way he occasionally mumbles stuff at her.  But just as they discover they’re soul mates, he has to go kill bad guys.  They write each other romantic letters every day that she covers in perfume and glitter and seals with a kiss from her vag lips.  Then he comes home and they get married and live happily ever after, until she gets fat and he can’t hold a job on account of his PTSD.  But Thursdays they do karaoke*.

*This last part’s more of an educated guess.