Hey, remember I Hate Valentine’s Day? How could you forget, it opened on three screens.  Here’s the trailer and my original description:

Nia Vardalos is back, writing, directing, and starring in the new romantic comedy I Hate Valentines Day, which promises to be the Citizen Kane of Kate Hudson turd ripoffs.  Vardalos plays a strong, sassy know-it-all New Yorker who doesn’t believe in love and sucks at acting.  The voice of TGI Friday’s plays Joe Regular, the average schlubnik trying in vain to win her heart by being adorably boring.   But after a few dates (*RECORD SCRATCH*) could it be SHE who’s falling for HE??  I’d rather slam my nuts in a car door than find out!

Sounds great, right?  Sadly, as GordonandtheWhale discovered, it seems poor Nia has yet again become the victim of a vast sexist conspiracy.  Damn you, patriarchal society!  You just can’t stand to see a terrible actress succeed!

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Opening this weekend:

Public Enemies
Johnny Depp reportedly stopped talking to Michael Mann on the set because of his “chaotic” directing style, and chaotic was more or less what I said of the finished product. I didn’t think it was very good, but I don’t want to bash it too hard, because say what you will, at least it’s a movie aimed at adults and not a toy commercial.  So see it, so they keep making these “types” of movies, just don’t expect to know who’s shooting at whom or why.

Ice Age Dawn of the Dinosaurs
Oh yeah, this movie.  Forgot about this one.  I’m sure it’ll be a great movie to take the kids to, because in the trailer, a squirrel gets his chest waxed and tries to masturbate a buffalo, and it features dinosaurs during the ice age, which I’m sure won’t totally screw up their knowledge of history.  It’s so hard to convince kids that the Earth is only 6,000 years old and dinosaurs were pets kept by Jesus these days.

I Hate Valentine’s Day
Yahoo says this movie is opening this weekend but I’m not sure in which cities, because on the distributor’s website, the links for release date are broken.  Which I assume is because someone at IFC Films hates Nia Vardalos as much as I do.  What is she even doing?  Her idea of acting seems to be trying to look bitchy and surprised in every scene.  And I will never, ever forgive the girl who made me sit through My Big Fat Greek Wedding.

NIA: “Then we eat lamb!”
JOHN CORBETT: “Mmm, with mint jelly?”
NIA: “Um… no.”

Get it????  He’s a wasp and she’s hilariously ethnic!  Their cultural differences are a never-ending geyser of comedy!!

Less than a week after Nia Vardalos called her 13%-recommended-on-RottenTomatoes movie My Life in Ruins “the highest-testing movie in Fox Searchlight history,” she’s back in this new trailer for I Hate Valentines Day (which she wrote and directed), which promises to be the Citizen Kane of Kate Hudson turd ripoffs.  Vardalos plays a strong, sassy know-it-all New Yorker who doesn’t believe in love and sucks at acting.  The voice of TGI Friday’s plays Joe Regular, the average schlubnik trying in vain to win her heart by being adorably boring.   But after a few dates (*RECORD SCRATCH*) could it be SHE who’s falling for HE??  I’d rather slam my nuts in a car door than find out!
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Nia Vardalos wants to promote her new movie, My Life in Ruins, but she’s having a hard time of it because men hate seeing women succeed.  Why, just listen to this unsubstantiated rumor about what an anonymous man said to her:

Lately, I’ve been in meetings regarding a new script idea I have. A studio executive asked me to change the female lead to a male, because… “women don’t go to movies.”  When I pointed out the box office successes of Sex and The City, Mamma Mia, and Obsessed, [she studiously avoids mentioning the most obvious example, the female-led, female-written, female-directed Twilight, for some reason]. he called them “flukes.” He said “don’t quote me on this.” So, I’m telling everybody.

Telling everybody… without mentioning the guy’s name!  She’s sacrificing her career on behalf of women everywhere!  Girl power!

I’m in a new movie, My Life In Ruins, out in theaters now. It’s a small indie, that was picked up for distribution by a studio (thank you Fox Searchlight.) We’re in one-third, maybe less, about one-quarter of the amount of screens of the big movies…yet we made it into the Top Ten [with a not-that-great $2769 per-theater average].  …My Life In Ruins is the highest testing movie in Fox Searchlight history so we’ve been given a chance. And, the theater owners said they’ll keep the movie in their theaters if people go. [HuffingtonPost via CinemaBlend]

Highest testing movie in Fox Searchlight History?  You mean your movie that’s tracking 13% on rottentomatoes?  The one from the same studio as The Wrestler, Slumdog Millionaire, Juno, Little Miss Sunshine, Sideways, and Super Troopers?  That movie?  This conspiracy must go all the way to the top.  I bet no one wants to see her succeed because she’s so sassy and female and sort of ethnic.

I couldn’t tell you how many middle-aged people told me “Oh my God, you have to see My Big Fat Greek Wedding, it’s so funny!” a few years ago. If you ever hear the same thing, take it from me, do not see it.  It’s the cinematic equivalent of one of those bad comedians who’s convinced they’re unique.  “You’ll never believe what my mother said the other day, she’s sooo crazy!  Hey, have I told you I’m half German and half Hispanic?  That’s why I’m in therapy!”

Anyway, this is the trailer for MBFGW-writer/star Nia Vardalos’ follow up, My Life in Ruins.  She goes to Greece to regain her mojo, or ‘kefi’, as the Greeks call it.  I’m not sure what else it’s about or who else is in it because I just stabbed my laptop in the face.

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