Fear not, New Zealand, being the setting for Peter Jackson’s hobbit movies shall continue to be the only thing your adorable little backwater is known for.  Peter Jackson’s anger over The Hobbit laboUr issues always seemed like a classic middle-man freak out.  The biggest tantrums always come from someone who says they’re doing it on someone else’s behalf (always the celebrity’s assistant before the celebrity), probably because that way they can whine as much as they like, all the while claiming it’s actually someone else who’s the demanding one.  That seemed to be Peter Jackson’s role in all this, getting mad on behalf of the studios.  But WB’s people finally showed up to do their own negotiating, and surprise surprise, everything’s fine.

Prime Minister John Key announced [!!!] tonight that The Hobbit movies – a $670m project – will be made in New Zealand.
Government ministers  and Warner Bros executives have been locked in negotiations all day.
Tax rebates will be changed for Warner Bros, which will mean up to an extra US$7.5m per movie for Warner Bros, subject to the success of the movies. The Government will offset US$10 million of Warner Bros’ marketing costs as part of the strategic partnership. New Zealand will also host one of the world premieres of the Hobbit movies.
The govt. and WB agreed to work together in a “long-term strategic partnership” to promote New Zealand as both a film production and tourism destination,” said Mr Key.
“My Government is determined to use the opportunity that the Hobbit movies present to highlight New Zealand as a great place to visit, as well as a great place to do business,” he said. [NZHerald]

“Dude, did you see that log those two hobbits were buttf*cking on? That’s in New Zealand!”

“Oh my God, bro.  I wanna smell the hobbit buttf*ck log.  We should totally go there!”
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I tried to clear up the background on The Hobbit labor dispute last week, but the short answer is that a coalition of unions claimed the producers weren’t negotiating with them and declared a blacklist.  Peter Jackson’s people were so angry that they actually organized a protest against the unions, at which 1000 people showed up. The union blacklist has since been lifted. Whether The Hobbit will still be shot there is being decided this week, with Warner reps there as we speak.

Suffice to say, the only thing that New Zealanders hate more than feeling bullied by Australia is the idea that the rest of the world considers them an irrelevant backwater, and both seem to be at stake here.  Here’s some of what Jackson had to say:

“The concept that people need to understand is that lifting the blacklist doesn’t solve the problem.  It’s a question of confidence in our industrial relations, and the damage was done within a week of the blacklist of going on.  They [the studio] are frankly worried, because the actors [who they say were used as a pawn by an Australian union] brought a completely frivolous action down on the studio.  Now if they’ve done that once, what happens in a year’s time when Warner Bros has spent 150 mil and the actors decide to have a bit of fun again?  There’s no confidence, that’s the issue. Warner’s are coming down next week [today] and we’ve got to fight like hell–”

Interviewer: “The prime minister’s coming down.”

Jackson: “He should come down. The studio are coming down on monday, and I’m racking my brain to try to think of how to give them the confidence that they need.”

He sure does seem mad.  Sheep-shearin’ mad, as my friends from New Zealand would say.  Anyway, here’s to hoping the unions and Jackson can finally come to an agreement and bury the sheep shear once and for all.  As every Kiwi knows, there’s more than one way to shear a sheep.

[video via Cinematical]

Oh if only...

As if MGM being $4 billion in debt weren’t enough of a problem for The Hobbit to overcome, as of a few weeks ago, a coalition of actors unions tried to pick a fight.  While I can think of few things more boring than a labor dispute, especially one involving Peter Jackson’s already super-boring hobbit movies, this seems to be a big story, so I’ll try to break it down for you.

A coalition of actors Unions protested on behalf of New Zealand actor’s equity, the crux of their argument being that The Hobbit producers were offering less residuals than comparable SAG contracts.  They urged a boycott of the film.  Because SAG are said to be standing in solidarity with the smaller union, this would make it really hard for the producers to keep the production in New Zealand.

Peter Jackson, meanwhile, says the residual deal was fair, and that the NZ Actor’s Equity, which he says is not recognized as a legal union and only represents 10% of New Zealand’s actors, is being used as political tool by other unions.

“The normal situation is that if an actor is not a member of SAG, they do not share in the profit pot. This has always struck us as unfair, since most Kiwi actors are not lucky enough to be SAG members. For the Hobbit, Warner Brothers have agreed to create a separate pot of profit participation, which will be divided up amongst non-SAG actors who are cast in the film.”

He made reference to the possibility of moving the production to eastern Europe, but it seemed like more of a worst-case scenario than anything that would actually happen.  That was all before the Hobbit got a greenlight, and people sort of assumed things would get worked out.  But as of today, Peter Jackson is still writing angry letters:

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WB and MGM are the studios making The Hobbit, and aside from not actually having greenlit it and recently losing the director, everything is going fine.  Studio delays were mostly what cost them Guillermo Del Toro as a director, when the furry Mexican couldn’t commit to spending six years (instead of three) in New Zealand, the oozing, penis chancre of the world.  Now Deadline reports that WB and MGM are trying to sell Peter Jackson (currently co-writer and producer) on directing the films himself.  Jackson had previously said he’d be amenable to the idea, provided he could get out of contracts he’d signed to direct other films.

Warner Bros and MGM braintrust will keep pursuing him until Jackson gives a definitive no.  Other filmmakers are interested in replacing del Toro. Sources tell me David Yates, David Dobkin, and the ubiquitous Brett Ratner are among them. One tricky part of the equation is the deal numbers. So much gross already has been committed on the picture that there isn’t much left to give to a top-level director. Sources tell me that gross participants include the JRR Tolkien estate, Jackson, Saul Zaentz, even Harvey Weinstein, who bargained for a 5% gross stake in the original trilogy.  No matter who gets the gig, they’ll have to accept a creative deal or the financing studios will be hard pressed to make money.

Just do it, Pete.  Let’s be honest, most of your non-Lord of the Rings films kind of blow anyway.  I can see why Brett Ratner would be interested in a project about homoerotic midgets*, given his propensity to live-Tweet Jonas Brothers concerts, but I guarantee that interest will evaporate like so much Axe aftershave once he finds out how hard it is to get decent nachos down there.  Tom Cruise: “As long as no gays are in there.”  Brett Ratner: “As long as there are nachos there.”

*Sidenote: There’s a disturbing amount of LotR-themed gay fan fiction out there. I was doing a simple search for “Lord of the Rings” when this stuff came up.

The New Zealand branch of Stuff Magazine reports that Indiana Jones 5 will be about the Bermuda Triangle and go “back to the franchise’s roots.”  The whole report sounds dubious, as it’s full of unattributed generalities and quotes from unnamed sources, but for what it’s worth…

Indiana Jones 5 will begin shooting next year, and much of the plot line will be centred around the Bermuda Triangle.
Harrison Ford’s final outing as Indiana Jones will be “emotional and exciting” as the franchise heads back to its roots after a badly received fourth instalment.
Movie bosses have assured fans the film will stay true to the series’ roots, and won’t contain lots of state-of-the-art special effects.
“Shia LaBeouf has a central role again as Indy’s son but this will be a blockbuster made in the old fashioned way rather than the CGI efforts of the last movie,” the source added.

These “movie bosses”… would they include Steven Spielberg or George Lucas?  Because George Lucas loves CGI.  He loves CGI more than people.  He loves it more than his own family.  George Lucas loves CGI more than he loves luring neighborhood cats into his neck pouch and then slowly digesting them with his stomach fluids.  But sure, whatever you say, Stuff Magazine New Zealand.  Indiana Jones 5 will be classic movie making, with no CGI just like you remember, and you’ll be able to build a house in your idealized childhood and live there forever with your dog, Spot, who left to go live on your uncle’s ranch when you were 12.

In related news, “Bermuda Triangle” is one of my favorite pubic hair styles, just after Brazilian, Landing Strip, and Cincinnati Hair Diaper.