The trailer for The Twilight Saga New Moon hits tomorrow, and I kid you not, they released a 10-second teaser for it today.  That’s right, it’s a trailer for a trailer.  But in just 10 seconds they manage to squeeze just about everything you know and love about Twilight — Edward and Bella acting all emo about their profound love affair even though they never seem comfortable together, Taylor Lautner with his shirt off, and some weird/bad Stephenie Meyer dialog:

JACOB: “I’m gonna fight for you… until your heart stops beating.”

Uh… until your heart stops beating?  So basically you’re gonna wait until Bella dies and then go get wasted with your werewolf buddies and pee your name on stuff and chase tail?  I mean, that’s understandable, it just doesn’t seem like that romantic of a thing to say.  Between this and Edward refusing to turn her into a vampire, it seems like a lot of this story is people waiting for Bella to kick off so they can go back to having fun again. Anyway, Happy New Year, Twihards.

Ha, I bet you didn’t know a cat could operate a camera, did you.  (Thanks to Jacktion! for the pic)

(as discovered by PhotoShopDisasters)

Twilight‘s Taylor Lautner’s rippling stomach muscles are famous the world over for putting the “abs” in “abstinence parable,” especially in the New Moon poster. But what if… they weren’t really his abs!!!!11!!ONE!!1!  I just don’t know what to believe anymore!  Does this mean I shouldn’t do it in the butt to save myself for marriage?  Should I not hold out for my sparkling white Aryan who stalks me while I sleep?  Down is up, up is down, minorities aren’t scary!  Say it ain’t so, Shirtless Joe!

Also: how do you think that guy on the right gets his wiener to point sideways like that?  You think he rubs it like a twig before the photoshoot to get it to plump like a Ballpark frank?  I want to know his secret.  Mine usually just stares straight down at the floor all depressed.  It really bums the other people on the bus out.

(Aw, she thinks the book is made of chocolate.)

I want to believe this is a hoax, but after Fred and Sharon and Rooster and Trish, nothing’s too strange to believe anymore. So a supposed Twilight fan calling herself Kayla Patterson recently sent a letter to LatinoReview regarding Universal’s blatant thievery of werewolves (which Twilight obviously invented) in their movie Wolf Man.  For shame, Universal!  How dare you steal ethnic temptation wolves from the nice white lady!  *rolls up newspaper* Here’s an excerpt:

This movie was a complete waste and I feel that it offends ALL Twilight Fans around the world, that including myself. For one, it was a COMPLETE remakingof the Wolf Pack from the Twilight Saga: New Moon. It gives the werewolves a bad name and makes them look like some deformed mutation of a rabid dog. I actually started to like werewolves after seeing Jacob Black and all his awesomeness on the big screen at the movies. That was until I saw your crappy remake of what you call to be a “were wolf”. I don’t see how you live with yourself for making it the way you did. If I made this movie, I would be ashamed to even admit that I owned it. How can a werewolf be killed with a silver bullet*? Better yet, have you saw the transformation of the man that is “supposed” to be the wolf? [Check out the rest of her rant at LatinoReview]

Frankly, I’m shocked someone so devoted to the literature of Stephenie Meyer could be so bad at grammar.  I mean Kayla was bad. Very bad. So bad at grammar; it was frightening.

You know, it’s stuff like this that makes you wonder if maybe the Chinese are onto something with the whole drowning-girl-babies-in-the-river thing.

[Props to GammaSquad for finding this]

*Ethnic wolves hate the Silver Bullet.  They prefer Tecate.

(source)

Breaking Dawn is the Twilight book that comes after New Moon, and if you’ve read this synopsis, you know what we’re dealing with here: telepathic, adult-brained vampire babies; vampire teeth c-sections; vampires snorkeling; hot werewolf-0n-baby action — all written at fifth-grade level.  Right now, Summit and Stephenie Meyer are trying to decide whether to do it as one movie or split it into two like they did with Harry Potter.  But who really cares.  The funny part is them trying to explain how they plan to shoot this preposterous story.

The other challenge of course is Renesmee*, Bella’s half-vampire, half-human daughter who is able to read, talk, run and hunt despite being a toddler. [Producer Wyck] Godfrey says “It’s certainly going to be visual effects in some capacity along with an actor. I wouldn’t be surprised if it ends up being a full CG creation, but it also may be a human shot on a soundstage that then is used to shrink down.” [DarkHorizons]

Asked the reporter in a follow-up: “So you’re saying it’s either going to be an all-CG vampire baby like Jar-Jar Binks meets Ally McBeal, OR a full-grown adult shrunk down on a computer like Little Man?”  At which point Godfrey buried his face in his hands and his dog covered its eyes with its paws, sighing loudly.

*The white equivalent of black people naming their kids D’Brickashaw or Flozilla.
[Thanks to Burnsy for the comic, which looks like it came from the always awesome Superpoop]

Not opinion, indisputable fact: there has never been a bottomless fountain of the entertainingly pathetic like Twilight fans.  Now, let us take a walk down Repressed Memory Lane, shall we?

• The Bella uterus made of felt.  (See above).  It’s broken because there’s a telepathic vampire adult-baby trying to escape, you see.
• “My Life is Twilight.“   “Today I realized that since I started reading the Twilight books, every time my husband and I argue or he says something mean to me, all I can think of is ‘Edward would never say that/ treat me like that.’ MLIT”  FML. F all our Ls.
• The New Moon missed connection. “after the movie i followed you and your friend to perkin’s. i waited outside in my car so i could watch you eat and smile. i followed you home and made sure you got there safely.i noticed you left you car unlocked so i went to have a look into your life. i can tell by looking in your car that we have a lot in common.”
• “I wanna be a stupid lamb.”
• The Twilight Prom, the loneliest place on Earth. “Hillywood Players walked amongst them dressed as Bella, Jasper, Alice and Edward — the latter had his shirt open to reveal his chest, naturally. After sniffing a few potential mates, “Edward” chose his dancing partner from among the blushing fans”
• Google never lies: offers Twilight fans plus-sized jeans and a link to the Sex Offender Registry.  (I got my sex offender a toaster.)
• Abstinence parable fans visit Italy, only to be groped by real-life Italian convicts.
• The Associated Press can’t tell Twilight douches apart either.
• Put Edward Cullen’s face over your vagina, that way it feels like a guy might actually see it.
• Blood energy drink.
• Google search suggests “How to Become a Vampire.”  Vampires are the undead, so wouldn’t the first step be killing yourself?
• The Edward Cullen corn maze. Corn mazes FTW, always.
• And finally, even though it’s from 2008, Tyra Banks makes Twihards compete for memorabilia… in a pie-eating contest. It’s only because they couldn’t figure out the logistics of a loneliness contest.

Anyway, thanks for the memories, and especially the web traffic, you weirdos.  Now stay the hell away from me.