When you’re trying to market a movie as crappy as Stephen Sommers’ G.I. Joe, the key is finding people low on intelligence and easily impressed by shiny things.  Ehh, oh!  I think I found ya taahget audience right heah *points crotch towards Jersey shore*.  Writes LatinoReview reader “BJ”:

I was sitting on the beach in Ocean Grove, NJ yesterday when a Black [sic] helicopter stopped to hover just off shore about 35 feet in the air. All of the fourth of July revelers hoarding the beach [sic] ran towards the water to see what was going on.

Then as it slowly approached shore, a rope ladder rolled out and what appeared to be a diver climbed to the bottom of the rope ladder. As I approached the water’s edge, the helicopter the gleaming black helicopter [sic... you get it] turned only to reveal the G.I. Joe Movie logo as the diver began to wave. The helicopter the proceeded to hover south down the shore with the diver hanging on just over the water for as far south as we could see.

It was very cool as it felt like GI Joe had come to life for me and [it was] effective as EVERYONE I ran into on the Jersey Shore was talking about it.

Jesus, is it just me or does “BJ” write like a porn spambot?  But anyway, yeah, dude, a guy climbed down a rope ladder and waved at you, you were practically in the movie.  That sounds like real combat the way Axe body spray smells like someone who showered.

One of my favorite YouTube videos of all time has to be Guido Beach, the landmark anthropological study of the douchebag and douchette in their natural habitwat.  Recently, Flubby over on KSK dug up this classic video (watch it below), a compilation of clips from the 1994 documentary Wildwood, NJ, which is basically like Guido Beach but with worse hair and stupider clothes.  Some of my favorite moments:

• :30 mark. Big-haired brunette says, “You ask me?  Women always got a strike up on men. We got our bodies. If we keep in shape. And (pointing at vagina) we always got. that. check. to. cash.”  I imagine a guy coming up to her and being like, “Eh, oh, I’d like ta cash dat check. …WIT MY CAACK!”  *grabs crotch*
• 2:00.  “I haven’t been in a fight for a while.”  (long wistful pause)  “‘Cause my boyfriend won’t let me fight.”
• 2:32. “I put some girl in da hospital.  She’s still there actually.  She tried to mace me inna face.”
• 3:40.  (same girl) “I put some girl in da hospital and she ended up dyin.  …Because she had a gun to my back, and I beat her up really bad.”

Ahh, Jersey, don’t ever change.  This should be the new New Jersey tourism video.  “New Jersey: Everyone has white trash, but ours is the greasiest.”

Read the rest of this entry »