This trailer for Ghost Rider 2: Voodoo Glow Skull came out a couple days ago and somehow slipped by. But fear not, for that shall be REMEDIED IMMEDIATELY! Now, I know, the idea of making a second Ghost Rider film would be considered nearly universally idiotic by anyone not directly involved in the production, but teaming directors Neveldine and Taylor (the apples of Armond White’s eye) with Nic Cage is an idea so batsh*t it just might work. At the very least, it’s a train wreck I’d like to witness. And besides, it’s called Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance. Get it? He’s a spirit, and he’s out for vengeance! It works on so many levels!

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Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance opens February 2012, and Sony has just released the first batch of publicity stills. I feel like if you polled a diverse cross section of adults on whether making a sequel to Ghost Rider is a terrible idea, that would be about as close as you could come to a perfect consensus. And yet, with Crank‘s Neveldine and Taylor behind the cameras and Nic Cage back as the lead, there could be a perfect storm of pure batsh*ttery brewing that connoisseurs of ridiculosity like myself would be loathe to miss. Certainly, at the least, it’s an early favorite for Armond White’s favorite movie of 2012. You may recall that he once said of Neveldine and Taylor: “Neveldine-Taylor stand so lonely on the culture’s edge that their au courant ingenuity seems absolutely avant-garde when compared to standard box-office formula.” Personally I find his fin de siecle Manichean verisimilitude somewhat disquieting, but I can’t say I disagree.

Co-director Brian Taylor offered a reminder of their star’s collaborative approach: “Nic trusts us. He was actually one of the guys we wanted for Crank, but we was out of our price range. Now we’ve got him and he’s absolutely fearless. You invite him to go there, he’ll go there. He just needs to be invited – like a vampire.” [From Empire's set visit]

They wanted Nic Cage, and ended up with Jason Statham as a consolation prize. I… I’m having a hard time processing that. I may have to go lie down for a few minutes.

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BRAAAAAAAAAHM

In between making speeches at the United Nations about the horrors of 8-year-olds being forced to eat each other (I think Roman Polanski might take the opposite side of that debate — ZING!), Nic Cage found time to Tweet about Ghost Rider 2.  Just because he decided to take ac-TION doesn’t mean he’s not still an act-TOR.  Something he said made people wonder if he’d be playing both the hero and the villain in the Neveldine/Taylor flick, but Collider asked Taylor about it, and apparently that’s not the case. At least… not exactly.

According to the filmmaker, Cage will indeed be playing two roles, but not the villain as previously thought. Instead, Cage will play both Johnny Blaze and the Ghost Rider in the film. This contrasts with the original Ghost Rider where Cage played Blaze, but left his demonic alter-ego with the stunt team and special FX guys.

In regards to Cage’s tweet, which said: “The dual role of blaze/zarathos will be a nic cage classic”

Taylor had this to say: “zarathos is the spirit of vengeance that inhabits john blaze when he becomes ghost rider.  unlike the 1st movie, where the rider was stiffly acted out by a various stunt guys, nic will be playing all the ghost rider stuff himself – and we are creating a whole physical language for the demon that is different from the human blaze.”

Ghost Rider 2 is possibly the worst idea ever, but the Crank guys are kind of at their best when they’re shooting a really bad idea.  I’m picturing like two hours of Nic Cage cackling wildly while he dry humps old Mexican ladies.  As a filmmaker, there’s got to be nothing so gratifying as sitting down for a script meeting with Nic Cage and having him walk out of there so pumped that you can see him amping himself up in his head and doing that thing with his hands like in Gone in 60 Seconds.

I know people will say I shouldn’t give Armond White, the troll king of film critics, more of the negative attention he so desperately craves, but I can’t help it.  The guy amuses me to no end.  Armond recently saw Inception, and as always, he goes against the prevailing consensus. That’s right, he’s putting the whole SYSTEM on trial.

“like Grand Theft Auto’s quasi-cinematic extension of noir and action-flick plots, Inception manipulates the digital audience’s delectation for relentless subterfuge.”

That was actually one complete sentence, by the way.  I left it precisely as originally written, because as me and Armond know, capitalization is for conformists.  WAKE UP, SHEEPLE!  ONLY YOUR THESAURUS CAN SAVE YOU FROM BEING CRUSHED IN THE MACHINATIONS OF THE SOVEREIGN PARADIGM!

Nolanoids have been faithfully awaiting a vision, and in these crystal-clear (fake) annihilation scenes,[as opposed to the real annihilation scenes Roland Emmerich shoots documentary-style, I guess...] Nolan out-Finchers Fincher and seeks Kubrickian misanthropy—but there’s a simple-minded sappiness at the heart of this cynical vision.

Cobb’s dream obsession suggests pop-culture addiction, mirroring how consumers habitually escape reality with video games and movies. But Nolan never critiques this as Neveldine/taylor did in Gamer.

It’s not a sharp a critique as Gamer!  Ahahahaha, I love this guy!  He may be an epic troll, but at least he’s consistent.  He can’t stop talking about Neveldine and Taylor (the Crank guys).  Remember what he wrote about them in his Jonah Hex review?

I previously remarked how “Neveldine-Taylor stand so lonely on the culture’s edge that their au courant ingenuity seems absolutely avant-garde when compared to standard box-office formula.” Greed is a cultural hex.

Oh God, I love that he loved that preposterously masturbatory sentence so much that he quoted himself in a review!  I love this guy!  I’ve heard Armond White shouts “Neveldine and Taylor!” at the point of orgasm!  Which he of course calls “writhing in the throws [sic] of neveldonian orgasmatrage.”

Finally, here’s a handy chart of Armond’s likes and dislikes.

[chart by Wes Lawson, via Ebert -Thanks to Jeff for the tip]

(Not pictured: Pigtails, a lollipop)

Jonah Hex opens in three weeks and WB just released this new trailer.  It’s chock fulla crossbows and gatling guns and explosions and rock music, and CGI crows climbin outta people’s mouths.  CAW! CAW! BANG! F*CK! I’M DEAD!  …TICK TICK TICK…. SLUTS!  Looks like Megan Fox brought out her little girl voice for this one.  I mean, I know she’s playing a whore and all, but I think she’d be sexier if she didn’t play it, you know, so whore-y.  It’s like I tell my girlfriend, you don’t have to be someone else, just cover your c-section scar, it makes it easier to pretend. I also would’ve enjoyed it if before Josh Brolin blew the f*ck outta something, he yelled to John Malkovich’s bad guy, “Hey Malkovich, think fast!”

That’s really all this one needs. (*chucks beer can at pigeon*)

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