I’m posting this latest clip from Centurion after the jump as a special treat for all the ladies who want to see a shirtless Michael Fassbender (Michael F. Assbender) run through a forest.  That he’s also bound at the wrists is just the icing on the beef cake.  Man, anyone else hungry all of a sudden?

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This is the red-band trailer for Neil Marshall’s Centurion, starring Dominic West (McNulty from The Wire) and Michael Fassbender (if I were him, I’d change my name to “Michael F. Assbender”).  I didn’t know much about the plot, so I had a scotch with my old friend Wikipedia and picked his brain.

Centurion Quintus Dias [Fassbender], the sole survivor of a Pictish raid on a Roman frontier fort, is rescued by the legion of Titus Flavius Virilus [McNulty], which has been ordered into Caledonia to wipe out the Picts and to kill their king, Gorlacon. When the legion is wiped out in a surprise attack, Dias and six other survivors race to rescue their captured general before they can head back toward the safety of the Roman frontier.

I was further curious what a Pict was, and my scotch buddy told me they were a confederation of Celtic tribes that merged with the Gaels in the 10th century.  The article was accompanied by this picture, which leads me to conclude that the Picts’ chief hobbies were cutting peoples’ heads off and getting a nice tan on their wieners, much like the Dutch.

Anyway, I like sword fights almost as much as I like dudes in skirts, so I was pretty into the trailer until it got to the part with Olga Kurylenko as old tampon-face mcgee here.  Who wants to bet that she’s a fearsome fighter despite being a 90-pound model with cornrows?  If real life was like an action movie, I’d lock my doors any time I saw a supermodel with too much eye makeup or a hot Asian who scowled.  That would be awful, not being able to trust your own boner. I can’t imagine. I let my boner do my taxes.

Now that The Descent director Neil Marshall is done making the Mad Max of car porns, he turns his attention to where it’s more appreciated, to SWORD FIGHTS AND FIRE AND HOT CHICKS WITH WEIRD HAIR OOH WHA-AH AH-AH!  And … hey, was that McNulty from The Wire?  Anyway, this one’s called Centurion and it opens in April in the UK.  It looks like it’s probably pretty dumb, but I’m okay with dumb, as long as there are enough sword fights and fire.  It’s how I was able to teach special ed for all those years.

We’ve known for a while that Robert Rodriguez is producing a Predator remake/sequel called Predators for (who else?) Fox (the pitch: “Like Predator, but… more.”).  Now the word (from Bloody-Disgusting) is that Neil Marshall is close to being signed as director.

Marshall began his career with Dog Soldiers and The Descent, the rare, actually entertaining-and-well-done horror movie, then went on to direct Doomsday, which looked like Mad Max as sponsored by Bentley and crystal meth.  And now it looks like he’s doing a fifth Predator movie. Are you ready or not?  Tick. Tick. Tick… (*fart*)

Neil Marshall, who recently let the bodies hit the floor in Doomsday, has decided to do something totally unexpected.

Marshall has signed with Universal to direct "Drive," an adaptation of the James Sallis novel. Hugh Jackman is attached to play a Hollywood stunt driver who moonlights as a getaway car driver in heists.

What a coincidence, I was just thinking, with all the talk of 4 Fast 4 Furious, Doomsday, Death Proof, Speed Racer, Knight Rider, and Transformers recently, what we really need is a movie about cars.   

"Hoss [screenwriter Hossein Amini] is a fantastic writer, and he’s written three amazing car chases in the film. He’s turned them into dramatic scenes as opposed to the usual crash, bang, wallop. I would like to be shooting it this summer." [Source] 

Yeah, whatever, I’m sure it’ll be a real tear jerker.  Car crashes through building.  Tom and Jodie exchange meaningful glances.  Bus explodes – bringing repressed memories of Tom’s child abuse to the forefront of his mind, shattering his sense of identity. Hey, here’s an idea – why don’t you just direct a car commercial? 

Sidenote: Director Jon Harris is currently shooting a sequel to Marshall’s 2005 movie The Descent.  The film’s working title – I shit you not: The De2cent.