There’s a controversy a-brewin’ over Black Swan (on the eve of the DVD release, no less!).  And by controversy, I mean something three or four people care about.  Natalie Portman’s ballerino husband Ben Millipede says Portman did 85% of the dancing in Black Swan, while her body double, Sarah Lane, claims the number was more like 5%.  The filmmakers back the ballerino, but Lane says it was always the studio’s plan to make it seem like Portman learned a bunch of fancy ballarinery to help build Oscar buzz, even though it’s possible to master the moves from the movie after just a year and a half of training.  Since neither party seems willing to resolve this dispute through scissoring, it isn’t of particular concern to me.

Therefore, we turn our attention to more important matters.  Namely, whether Natalie Portman used a butt double for her now-infamous thong scene in Your Highness (more screencaps here, here).  It’s an important question, because as a professional blogger, Natalie Portman’s butt puts food in my mouth.  According to a recent article in the Sunday Life from Belfast, where Your Highness was filmed, the answer to the butt double question seems to be “yes.”  THONGPOSTER, THONGPOSTER! (*body snatchers shriek*)

A SULTRY Ulster model has landed a small role in an epic US fantasy drama — as a prostitute who beats up a dwarf king. Beautiful Caroline Davis plays the medieval hooker in Game of Thrones, the new series from the makers of mafia hit The Sopranos.  Caroline landed her role after producers saw her stepping in as Natalie Portman’s ‘butt-double’ in the Belfast-shot movie Your Highness.

BOOM!  BUTT DOUBLE’D!  I’ve included a couple pictures of Davis below, which were really hard to find considering she doesn’t have an IMDB page, and her name is “Caroline Davis.”  What pictures I did find all look like model portfolio shots, which makes sense as they came from modeling portfolio sites.  And to be honest, she looks rather skinny for a butt double.  Could it be that by “butt double” they meant “stand in?”  (Meaning they used Davis while setting up the lights and camera, but you’d still be seeing Portman’s butt in the finished shots).  I didn’t want to be the one to say it, but these Irish, sometimes they drink.  In any case, if someone from the production wants to illuminate this issue, I would be more than happy to investigate further using a pile of photos, a lightbox, a jeweler’s eye loupe, and perhaps a graduated cylinder filled with bubbling green liquid.  Really, it’s no trouble.  I’ve got time.

IMPORTANT BUTT UPDATE: Word from a trusted source close to the production who would know is: the part where you can see Natalie’s face (the banner pic) is all Portman, they only used the stunt double for the part where she dives into the water (here), because pshaw, son, an Oscar-winning actress ain’t gonna dive into no cold-ass Irish water.   So there you have it.  Aren’t you glad we cleared that up?  I know Natalie Portman’s butt has been keeping you up at night. And now, probably.

MSN has debuted the new red-band trailer for Your Highness (watch it after the jump), starring Danny McBride, Zooey Deschanel, James Franco, and Natalie Portman’s butt.  You’ll definitely want to watch the red-band version, because in the regular, green-band version, Natalie Portman’s medieval thong (see links at left) has been altered, nay, CENSORED, too look like this:

(*cleans monocle, does spit take*) Whaaa? Did they shoot this scene twice with two different bikinis?  Was she digitally de-thonged? If so, how’d they’d decide who got the job of post-production full-butt bikini supervisor?  And if they shot it twice, was there a sexy costume designer around to supervise during the wardrobe change?  I mean, someone would have to monitor it, for continuity, right?  The point is, I’m intrigued.  And now, farbeit from me to diss Natalie Portman’s butt, because, as a blogger, Natalie Portman’s butt puts food in my mouth, but… well, it could be meatier.  I’m just sayin.

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Sassy Ostrich did not take the news well

Mike Huckabee is a strange case, because he always seems warm, genuine, and engaging, despite being crazier than a sh*thouse rat. And recently, when the warm and engaging parts went away, the sh*thouse rats came to play.  (Somewhere Gary Busey is loading his blow gun, not recognizing a figure of speech).

Fox News Channel personality and former presidential candidate Mike Huckabee has attacked Natalie Portman and other Hollywood celebrities for glamorizing the idea of having children out of wedlock.

“One of the things that’s troubling is that people see a Natalie Portman or some other Hollywood starlet who boasts of, ‘Hey look, you know, we’re having children, we’re not married, but we’re having these children, and they’re doing just fine,’” Huckabee said.

“There aren’t really a lot of single moms out there who are making millions of dollars every year for being in a movie,” he said. “And I think it gives a distorted image. … Most single moms are very poor, uneducated, can’t get a job, and if it weren’t for government assistance, their kids would be starving to death and never have health care. And that’s the story that we’re not seeing, and it’s unfortunate that we glorify and glamorize the idea of out-of-wedlock children.” [THR]

Whoa, Dan Quayle looks like hell all of a sudden.  And Murphy Brown looks hot as sh*t (and kinda Jewy).  Wait, what year is it? Look, dude, she’s not a single mother, she’s engaged, they just haven’t gotten married yet.  Do you know how hard it is to plan a wedding between a princess and a ballerino?  More importantly, we’re still waiting for someone to go to jail over the financial crisis and you’re worried about the millionaire taxpayer not having a ring yet?  Jeez, dude, get a life.  Don’t you know there are Charlie Sheen interviews to watch?

It’s Hollywood.  Of course they glamorize single motherhood.  They also glamorize cat sex, stuttering, and Sandra Bullock teaching a retarded kid football.  It’s kind of what they do.

Christian Dior head fashion designer John Galliano was arrested Thursday night in Paris for allegedly making anti-semitic remarks, which is illegal there (grrr, fight Fascism with Fascism!).  Later, in what they claim was a separate incident, The Sun obtained video of a drunken Galliano at the same cafe, telling some women “I love Hitler.”  Natalie Portman had been the spokesperson for Dior perfume, saying as recently as December:

“One of the things that’s been so nice is that Dior made all of the shoes for me with no animals and no leather or anything because I don’t wear any leather… They remade all my shoes so I can wear Dior shoes without taking lives.”

UPDATE: Here’s what Galliano said precipitating his arrest, according to the report:

In her statement to police, Bloch, who is not Jewish, alleged that Galliano screamed at her, “Dirty Jew face, you should be dead,” and told her to “shut your mouth, dirty bitch, I can’t stand your dirty whore voice.” As for Virgitti, who is of Asian descent, Bloch says Galliano yelled, “You f*cking Asian bastard, I’ll kill you!” He then returned his attention to Bloch. “You’re so ugly I can’t bear looking at you. You’re wearing cheap boots, cheap thigh boots. You’ve got no hair, your eyebrows are ugly, you’re ugly, you’re nothing but a whore.” And for his finale, Bloch — whom witnesses reported initially mistook Galliano for a homeless person, perhaps angering him — says Galliano yelled, “I am the designer John Galliano!” and struck a pose. [NYDailyNews]

Once Portman had seen the tapes, she released the predictable statement:

“I am deeply shocked and disgusted by the video of John Galliano’s comments that surfaced today. In light of this video, and as an individual who is proud to be Jewish, I will not be associated with Mr. Galliano in any way. I hope at the very least, these terrible comments remind us to reflect and act upon combating these still-existing prejudices that are the opposite of all that is beautiful.” [NYTimes]

“As a proud Jew whose real last name is ‘Hershlag’, who took a less-Jewy sounding name, I condemn these remarks…”  Sorry, couldn’t resist.  Anyway, Galliano has since been fired:

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UPDATE: Apparently this isn’t the “official” trailer. More on that here.

Hesher, starring Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Natalie Portman, finally has a trailer, and it puts me in a bit of a bind.  I’ve been pretty open about how much I liked this movie, but now the trailer has JGL taking a kick to the meat bucket at the 58-second mark, and we’ve long maintained that a nutshot in the trailer is the kiss of death for any movie.  But (500) Days of Summer had a retarded ending and people liked it anyway, probably because of Joseph Gordon-Levitt.  Maybe JGL is so well-liked that he could actually transcend the laws of nutshots in movie trailers, thus rewriting the laws of the universe!  If he can pull this off, Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s balls will have more indie cred than Ryan Gosling’s ukulele.  They could even start a band together called, uh… Balls and Sebastian.  Yeah, let’s go with that. (Wait no, “Dead Man‘s Balls?” Aw, forget it.)

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