“Bye movie!”

Hey, remember earlier today when Vince was all, “Gavin O’Connor is replacing Lynne Ramsay as director on Jane Got a Gun because she completely no-showed on the first day of filming and everyone was like, WTF lady”? But then the movie people were like, “Chill out everyone, we’re going to be fine because we already lost Michael Fassbender before and we replaced him with Joel Edgerton, but we still have Jude Law and Natalie Portman, so this movie is going to be just fine”.

Well… about that.

While the troubled independent feature Jane Got A Gun got a new director this morning in Gavin O’Connor, fallout continues from Monday’s abrupt exit of helmer Lynne Ramsay. I’m told that Jude Law has formally withdrawn from the film. It is because he signed on to work with Ramsay, best known for the edgy drama We Need To Talk About Kevin. The producers of Jane Got A Gun have tried to hold its cast together when Ramsay stepped out, and this is the second significant star to drop out in the past few weeks. (Via Deadline)

What is still the strangest thing about this maligned film production is that Ramsay hasn’t broken her silence about why she just said, “F*ck it” and decided to bail. Fassbender’s excuse was that the production interferes with X-Men: Days of Future Past, which is clearly more important (even though they’ve cast Booboo Stewart, which is just bullsh*t). And Law’s excuse is that he thought he’d be working with another director, which is kind of a cheap shot at O’Connor, but a guy should be able to choose his boss, right?

So what’s Ramsay’s excuse? There are whispers that maybe she was forced out by the producers, but who knows? Well, I don’t have word from the disappearing director herself, but I do, in a super FilmDrunk exclusive, have the next best thing…

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Our standard image for ‘Jane Got Her Gun’

With director Lynne Ramsay yesterday pulling a no show on Jane Got a Gun, her follow up to We Need to Talk About Kevin starring Jude Law, Joel Edgerton, and Natalie Portman, producers today hired Warrior director Gavin O’Connor to replace her. No one knows exactly what happened, but since the producers have been doing all the talking and Lynne Ramsay hasn’t said anything, most of the stories have been painting Ramsay as some irresponsible crazy person who selfishly ruins productions and no one knows why. Take that with a grain of salt, obviously.

Considering how fragile independently financed productions can be, this is fairly remarkable that Scott Steindorff and his fellow producers including Natalie Portman and Aleen Keshishian have managed to keep this picture from falling apart, and prevent the cast and crew from leaving the Sante Fe set and scattering to the winds. [Deadline]

Heroes! The story was first broken by Deadline, who got the tip from Steindorff, by the way. “Scott Steindorff is a hero, says guy who Scott Steindorff emailed!”

As Deadline revealed exclusively yesterday, the production endured what has to go down as the worst first day of shooting in movie history, when Steindorff was forced to gather the crew and castmembers Portman, Joel Edgerton, Jude Law and Rodrigo Santoro to tell them that after nine months of developing the project, the director wasn’t showing up after a series of negotiating twists and turns took place over the weekend. [Deadline]

Aw, don’t fret, you guys, it could be worse. You could be doing literally any other job in the world. Those poor lambs probably just had to stand around eating free food and bullshitting with each other. Can you imagine? Someone should call OSHA.

Her exit was the talk of the town yesterday and no one I spoke to could recall an example of a helmer dropping out in similar circumstances, as this was akin to being stood up at the altar. [Deadline]

“Other folks I talked to told me they’d just discovered analogies! One producer said his heart, which is like a pump, was broken, like a dish, over Ramsay making like a tree and leaving the production.”

Anyway, Lynne Ramsay should probably say something soon, because otherwise the only story out there is from the jilted producers and Deadline’s Chicken Little keyboard monkeys. Incidentally, there’s actually an interesting story behind why we may not have heard from her yet:

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If I’ve learned anything in all of these years on this crazy spinning rock, it’s that the Internet is a place of many, many, many, many (a million times more) different tastes, and rather than try to understand them all, I should just accept most of them. That’s why when I fell into a Deviant ART wormhole the other day and ended up browsing through something called “morphs” before taking a strange turn into Fat Hollywood, I just said, “F*ck it” and rolled with it. Pun sort of intended.

I don’t really know how to describe this strange exercise in photoshop other than by pointing at the banner pic of an obese Megan Fox and saying, “That.” Basically, from what I can tell, there are a lot of people out there who appreciate the true beauty of some of Hollywood’s most famous and talented actresses, but they’d prefer them to have a little more meat on their bones.

To each his own is what I say, because life is short and we should enjoy whatever makes us happiest. At least that’s a new philosophy I’m trying to embrace these days. So I gathered some of the morphs and FAToshops (trademark pending) of my favorite gorgeous actresses so that we could all see their beauty from a new, well-rounded perspective.

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Terrence Malick’s untitled project has been causing quite a stir in Texas, where it is being filmed, as stars Natalie Portman and Michael Fassbender already showed up at a recent Texas Longhorns game, inducing one of the world’s largest collective orgasms on record. But as I previously pointed out, the folks at Darrell K Royal-Texas Memorial Stadium were spared exposure to the film’s entire sexy cast, as it also stars Ryan Gosling.

Apparently the stars of this film are traveling under a rule of 2/3 because Gosling and Fassbender showed up at the Spooky Skedaddle 5K on Saturday at the Texas School for the Deaf sans Portman, which caused all the boys to sign, “What the hell?” The event, which sounds like it was named by Gosling, raises money for the foundation’s “Language for All” campaign, and thanks to the presence of Baby Goose and Michael F. Assbender, this year’s event raised $22,000, due to some clever advertising by the school’s staff.

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In case you weren’t aware, the Cannes International Film Festival is well under way, with only four days remaining for Tara Reid and her leather wallet to convince people she can memorize a few lines and not blink while she says them. Hell, Rihanna can memorize 68 of them, so why not Tara? But until then the big buzz is surrounding Natalie Portman’s newest project, Jane Got a Gun.

Yep, it’s a Western with a “clever” title, so naturally it’s causing a massive bidding war. I just hope this poorly-titled film doesn’t have a great plot that will be bogged down by people making Aerosmith jokes for the rest of eternity.

Jane Got a Gun centers on a woman whose outlaw husband returns home riddled with bullet wounds and barely alive. When her husband’s gang eventually tracks him down to finish the job, she is forced to reach out to an ex-lover and ask if he will help defend her farm. (Via the Hollywood Reporter)

Damn, that sounds intense. I mean, what did her husband do? What did he put Jane through? Ugh, I can’t even do it.

Anyway, to make up for it, I think what this film really needs is a huge, epic shootout at Jane’s home, as she’s pinned down by two dozen gunmen. Because then, there’s only one way she could survive…

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