(via WWTDD)

*sits down at desk*
*adjusts tie*
*takes sip of coffee*
*shuffles stack of papers*
*smoothes hair*
*clears throat*
*reaches for bullhorn*

BREAKING NEWS: MO’NIQUE’S HUSBAND LOVES A HAIRY PUSSY.

“Let me say this: I have not had sex outside my marriage with Sidney,” the Academy Award nominee [and lock to win Best Supporting Actress] says in this year’s 29th – and final – Barbara Walters Oscar special.  “Could Sid have sex outside of his marriage with me? Yes. That’s not a deal-breaker. That’s not something that would make us say, ‘Pack your things and let’s end the marriage.’”
“What if it’s 20 times?” asks the openminded actress. “So what? We’ve been best friends for over 25 years, and we truly know who we are. Oftentimes, people get into marriages and they don’t know who they’re laying next to. I’m very comfortable and secure with my husband.”

Aww yeeah.  If I close my eyes and pretend I never saw that banner pic, this is pretty sexy.  Which brings me to…

Of course, Miss M has a few tricks to keep her hubby from straying – fingers crossed – and that includes her infamously unshaven gams. “He loves the hairy legs,” Mo says, “and if Sid likes the hairy legs, there you go.”
She even explains to Walters why she chooses to go au naturel: “I tried shaving one time, and it was so uncomfortable and painful. I said never again would I do that to myself.” Besides, says Mo’Nique, “I’m 42 and I’m very hairy.”  [NYDailyNews]

Sweet Jesus.  So Mo’Nique’s husband likes ‘em hairy as hell?  Are we sure she’s not married to Spoony Luv? Also, why does her name have a random apostrophe in it? Between that and the all natural thing, is it possible she’s actually a Na’vi?

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(Pretending to be a Na’avi: It’s all fun and games until Quaritch shows up.)

James Cameron’s producing partner Jon Landau recently announced plans for an Avatar prequel novel, to be written by James Cameron himself — his first novel.  It’s an unusual move, considering other directors like Michael Bay can barely read Highlights Magazine. But Cameron should have plenty of material on which to draw, such as these, some of my favorite recent topics from the Avatar forums:

[From the thread "Gay Na'vi: It's possible"] While I watch the film, I can’t help but imagine that in the world of AVATAR, there’s no such thing as hatred, homophobia, or intolerance, and that as long as you are a noble soul and one with the people, such boundaries as “gay” or “straight” don’t exist. In fact, I created a silly scenario in my mind, in which Norm falls in love with a male warrior from a neigboring Na’Vi tribe (LOL)…

I can totally see the Na’Vi having more than on concept of what “normal” sexuality is…this is a very interesting topic that sadly I have found being faced with jeers and derision in other boards. Hopefully here, I will be able to get intelligent discussion.  -User T’iam B’sog

I can’t imagine a Na’vi participating in oral or anal sex or any other erotic actions that humans are so fond of, whether it is with one of the same sex or opposite. -Sareth

[From the thread "How would you eat a Teylu?"] Maybe they’d use some hot sauce to give the larvae some flavor. X-P Maybe they’d call it something crazy like “Thanator Hell Breath” or “Na’vi No-nonsense Hot Sauce”.  8-D  -Nawm awpo kip nìwotx

Thread:  I was listening David boey and thinking about how a culture like the one of the navi would react to music like that or how they would react if they, heaven forbid, saw an episode of family guy.  Your thoughts?

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(Dressing up as a Na’avi for a protest is all fun and games until Colonel Quaritch shows up)

Here on this Friday afternoon, I was trying to muster something other than a dismissive wank towards stories about Chronicles of Riddick 3 or a Three Musketeers movie when I found these pictures of Palestinians dressed up like Na’avi.  Ahh, this was just what I needed.  And it seemed like only yesterday when the first oppressed minority group were comparing themselves to the Na’avi.  So the story goes, Palestinians were protesting Israel’s separation barrier, and yadda yadda yadda, some people got tear gassed.  Just an average day in Israel.  Dressing up as characters in a Hollywood movie to protest Jews, how ironic.

Oh hey look, it’s Na’avi David Carradine.

[Full gallery here]

Well this was sort of inevitable.  It seems there’s a real-life tribe of Na’avi in the form of the Dongria Kondh in the Niyamgiri Hills on the northeast coast of India, who live peacefully, worshipping the mountains and raping pterodactyls. The Dongria are in the midst of a fight for their homeland against some real-life, golf-playing Giovanni Ribisis at a company called Vedanta, who want to cut the top off the Dongria’s sacred mountain so they can mine for bauxite (the most important aluminum ore), and no doubt make fur coats out of their children’s skin to wear while they dance on the ashes of the Dongria rec center.

U.K.-based charity Survival International has appealed to James Cameron on behalf of the Dongria. Survival said, “The Dongria Kondh are struggling to defend their land against a mining company hell-bent on destroying their sacred mountain.”  The ad also provides a link to a 10-minute film [attached after the jump] narrated by India-born British actress Joanna Lumley (“Absolutely Fabulous”). Survival explained how the Dongria are battling against U.K.-based Vedanta Resources, majority-owned by Indian billionaire Anil Agarwal.

“Just as the Na’vi describe the forest of Pandora as ‘their everything,’ for the Dongria Kondh, life and land have always been deeply connected. The fundamental story of ‘Avatar’ – if you take away the multi-coloured lemurs, the long-trunked horses and warring androids — is being played out today in the hills of Niyamgiri,” Survival’s director Stephen Corry said. “The mine will destroy the forests on which the Dongria Kondh depend and wreck the lives of thousands of other Kondh tribal people living in the area. I do hope that James Cameron will join the Dongria’s struggle to save their sacred mountain and secure their future.”

Survival International recently persuaded the Church of England to sell its investment in Vedanta Resources “for ethical reasons.”  In 2007, a pension fund backed by the Norwegian government also sold its $13 million investment based on recommendations from the funds’ ethics council, which stated that “allegations leveled at (Vedanta) regarding environmental damage and complicity in human rights violations, including abuse and forced eviction of tribal people, are well founded.”  Similarly, another Vedanta investor, Scotland-based Martin Currie Investments sold its £2.3 million stake last year, as did British Petroleum’s pension fund, which reduced its holdings in Vedanta due to “concerns about the way the company operates.” [THR]

It seems now that the tide is already turning, and all that’s left is for James Cameron’s remotely-controlled avatar to parachute into the jungle, rape the biggest animal in the forest, and teach these noble, ignorant savages how to kick ass, white-man style.  ”Here, Tuk Tuk, learn how to fire this sidearm.  Go ahead, it’s not heavy.  See, it’s light because it’s made of aluminum.”

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Please watch this.  Though there’ve already been plenty of Avatar makeup tutorials on the internet (including this one.  …no comment.), this one by comedian Joe Mande* is the only one that promises to take you from boring loser to Pocahontas Cat Monkey in 10 seconds or less.  James Cameron, hire this man, as soon as you finish burning piles of money to keep your Lamborghini warm.

I think it was one of the commenters who first pointed this out, but given that we now know the Na’avi use their “queues” for sex, they seem to spend a lot of the movie trying to have rough sex with pretty much everything — horses, trees, lizards, pterodactyls, fish — they’re like Tiger Woodses from space.  Get it?  Tiger Woods?  Haha, good one, Jay.

*(UPDATE: Sorry, it’s not Joe Mande in the video, the video was found by Joe Mande) [via Urlesque]