From the director of Hairspray…

Aw, crap. I don’t know if I–

Based on the hit Broadway musical…

Um, yeeeah, you know, this doesn’t exactly sound like my cup of t–

Starring Tom Cruise…

Waiter! Check please!

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As if Bob the annoying guy from shipping refusing to break character all day three Halloweens ago wasn’t enough to solidify Austin Powers’ status as no longer even remotely cool, Mike Myers now wants to turn it into a musical. A fourth movie is also still happening, reportedly. It’s enough to make you want to gun rape someone.

A source close to 48-year-old Myers confirmed to Page Six, “Mike is in talks to turn ‘Austin Powers’ into a musical stage show. Mike would be heavily involved in writing the show, but he will not star in it, even though he has quite a good singing voice.”

In the meantime, Myers’ private life has been blossoming. We revealed that he secretly married his longtime girlfriend, Kelly Tisdale, in New York in October 2010. The couple welcomed a baby boy, Spike, this past September. [NYPost]

The original Austin Powers came out two months before Limp Bizkit’s FIRST ALBUM. Jesus, man, LET IT GO. Not even Jerry Lewis beat a dead horse this long and hard, unless you count those muscular dystrophy teleth– you know what, let’s just forget this analogy. Point being, Austin Powers catchphrases were annoying before Borat catchphrases were annoying, and even that was like five years ago. And you know what’s not going to make them LESS annoying? Some dude in tights singing them 500 times in a row during the chorus to “Do I Make You Horny, Baby.” This is like taking the most obnoxious thing in the world, distilling it down to a liquid, then soaking a mosquito in it and having it buzz in your ear for all eternity while your asshole itches and printer jams. I don’t want to fall into cheap hyperbole here, but Jesus Christ, anyone who thinks this is an idea worth considering should be shot out of a cannon into the sun.

I cover the film industry for a living, and as absurd as it is, it still doesn’t hold a candle to theater, where writing songs about a movie and hiring a washed-up sitcom star to play the lead are considered innovation. Case in point: Sylvester Stallone is teaming up with Wladimir and Vitali Klitschko, the two most boring heavyweight champions of all time, to produce a stage musical based on Rocky. Boxing and showtunes: two great tastes that taste great together. More than anything in the world, I want it to be true that Sly signed the contract with his fancy skull pen.

Stallone and the Klitschkos, who will produce Rocky: The Musical together with Kevin King Templeton of Stallone’s Rouge Marble shingle, announced the project in Hamburg on Monday.

“They kept jabbing me and jabbing me about it, and eventually I just got so bored that I agreed to everything they wanted.”

Stallone said in giving the pugilist classic the Andrew Lloyd Webber treatment he would be focusing on Rocky’s romantic side.
“At the end of the day, Rocky is a love story and he could never have reached the final bell without Adrian,” said Stallone. “To see this story coming to life on a musical stage makes me proud. And it would make Rocky proud.”

“At the end of the day, saying ‘at the end of the day’ doesn’t make the statement it prefaces any less ridiculous. A fictional character I created taught me that.”

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Yesterday I posted the first batch of pictures, and now we have a full-length trailer for the MTV Films-sponsored remake of Footloose, which is pretty much indistinguishable from a sequel to Step Up to the Streets.  In the new version, Kenny Wormald, playing Kevin Bacon’s old character Ren McCormack, moves from Bawston (Bacon was from Chicago in the original) to Bomont, Tennessee, where the town preacher, Dennis Quaid in a sweater, has banned dancing (MY FAATHAH; HE DON’T GET OUT MUCH).  Eventually Ren learns the real reason dancing has been banned: three years ago, some seniors coming home from an underground dance party were killed in a car accident.  Uh… what?  Ignoring the dislogic of this plot device, Ren sets out to prove the preacher wrong, by showing him what a slut his daughter is.  Presumably, it all ends with a tense courtroom battle, an impassioned speech.  “Ya rawnah? I may nawt be from heah, and you may hate me fa my Twilight hayuh and queah sunglasses, but if I know one thing in this world, it’s this: Dancing to the music of daahkies is NAWT the prawblem.  That’s why me an’ ya daughtah ah going to Hawllywood to be on America’s Best Dance Crew, AN YOU CAN’T STAWP US!”  (*slow clap*) GO SAWX

"I told ya she was an MTV whoah."

If you’re not a part of the snooty New York theater scene, you might not have been aware that South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone’s Book of Mormon musical has been playing to rave reviews and sold out shows on Broadway for about a month now.  That may or may not be a huge accomplishment considering their competition is stuff like Legally Blonde and the U2 Spider-Man play, but they did create it with Avenue Q‘s Robert Lopez, and I can confirm that Avenue Q is amazing.  Now several sites are reporting that Book of Mormon could be coming to theaters, and I mean the American kind, with popcorn and Coke, not those fruity pinko ones with the programs and the intermissions.  So why the question mark in the headline?  Well, here’s the quote at the crux of the reports, from Deadline’s Mike Fleming:

So what will happen when producer Scott Rudin inevitably shops the Broadway musical to become a movie musical? “We’ve learned in our careers that as long as something is successful, they will give you money for it,” Parker tells me. “They just want to make money in Hollywood, they don’t really care. As long as the musical continues to do well, I don’t think it’s going to be hard at all.”

So… does that mean Scott Rudin actually is shopping the Broadway musical as a movie musical?  Uh… maybe?  That’s the way most sites are reporting it.  As we’ve seen before, sometimes it’s hard to tell what the f*ck Mike Fleming is talking about.  In any case, there doesn’t seem to be any reason it couldn’t become a movie.  Also, it sounds awesome:

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