Tip: If you're an actor who is suspected of a famous murder, never appear on screen in an eyepatch.

The death of actress Natalie Wood is one of the more famous unsolved mysteries in Hollywood. Short story: she was out on a boat with Christopher Walken and her husband, Robert Wagner, she fell overboard, and she drowned. Longer story: all that plus fishy circumstances. Longest story: this new book that includes previously unheard information about that night from the ship’s captain (a scant 30 years after it took place — timely!). From TMZ:

In the book — “Goodbye Natalie, Goodbye Splendour” — [author Marti] Rulli and Splendour Captain Dennis Davern write about the night Natalie drowned. They say before Natalie disappeared from the boat, she was drinking and taking Quaaludes with her husband, Robert Wagner and actor Christopher Walken.

According to the book, Wagner became enraged when he saw Wood and Walken speaking, and smashed a wine bottle, yelling at Walken, “What do you want to do, f**k my wife? Is that what you want?”

At that point, Walken returned to his cabin and Natalie and Robert went to their state room. According to the Captain, he heard a loud argument between the couple and thumping sounds, and eventually silence.

A short time later, the Captain went to the deck and was told by Wagner, “Natalie is missing.”

The book claims Wagner refused to let the Captain call the Coast Guard.

Based on this new information, some of which conflicts with original accounts of the night of Wood’s death, the L.A. County Sheriff’s Department has reopened the case as a murder investigation. They haven’t spoken to any of the parties involved yet, but as Uproxx’s Chief Legal and Space Jam Correspondent, my official analysis of the situation is that the police officers that eventually question Christopher Walken about the events of that night will do a horrible impression of him while telling people about it at cocktail parties years later.

WOMAN AT PARTY: Ooo, you worked on the Natalie Wood case? You can tell me… what really happened?

COP: Well, I’m not supposed to say anything, but [Walken voice], she fell off the BOAT after taking QUAA-ludes. [impression slowly starts turning into Borat] It was a real love tri-AN-gle. I was going to make her MAH WIIIIFE.

UPDATE: CagePotato has a better photo, adding that Graham was 146 pounds, about 90 less than Son in his fighting days.

Now that we’re all in great moods after that Muppets trailer shot sunshine up our cornholes, I thought now would be a great time to tell you about that child molester Joe Son killed. Joe Son of course being the Austin Powers actor who was recently sentenced to life for his part in the torture and gang rape of an Orange County woman in 1990. Son recently murdered his cell mate (allegedly), and the victim’s identity was released today. Haha! Dick joke!

The victim has been identified as 50-year-old Thomas Graham (pictured above) — who had once been convicted for committing lewd and lascivious acts on a child under the age of 14.
At the time he was killed, Graham was serving a two year sentence in Wasco State Prison for failing to properly register as a sex offender.
As TMZ previously reported, cops believe Graham’s cellmate Joe Son — who played shoe-throwing villain Random Task in the original “Austin Powers” movie — killed Graham in their cell on October 10.
Son is currently in solitary confinement  while prison officials investigate. [TMZ]

It’s always funny to me to hear someone say “lewd and lascivious acts.” As if you’d be like, oh, you mean they were lewd AND lascivious? Well if it was just lascivious, I could see, but lewd AND lascivious, that’s out of line. Anyway, this news kind of makes me feel like JK Simmons at the end of Burn After Reading.

So… he killed ‘em then.

Yup.

And he’s already in prison for life?

Yup. …What should we do, sir?

…Well I guess we don’t have to do anything, do we?

I suppose not, sir.

…What did we learn, Palmer?

I don’t know, sir.

I don’t f*ckin’ know either.

So I guess that’s one child molester the other child molesters won’t have to worry about anymore. To me, the most surprising part of this news is that five-foot-four Joe Son was able to kill someone. Up until now, his fighting style seemed to consist mainly of lying on his back and getting punched a lot.

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An 18-year-old Florida girl is behind bars after murdering a 16-year-old dude and dumping his body in a storm drain. Hmm, horrible, but that could happen anywhere. Do you have anything else that would make this more… I don’t know… Floridian?

A Florida teenager is behind bars as an accessory to the brutal murder of 16-year-old Jacob Hendershot. But that may not be the most shocking part of the crime. Stephanie Pistey says she believes she’s part vampire and part werewolf.
Florida police say that, in July, Pistey’s friends lured Hendershot to a house, killed him, and then left his body in a storm drain. Police had originally said Hendershot’s was murdered because Pistey had accused the 16-year-old of raping her, according to CBS affiliate WTSP.
Five people so far, including Pistey, are charged in connection to the crime with either murder or accessory after the fact.
Police have previously speculated that there may be more to the case. They say the murder suspects may have been involved in a vampire cult, WTSP reports, and Pistey’s claims to vampiredom appear to give credence to the idea.

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Anthony “Chopper” Garcia was arrested in 2008 in Los Angeles after a homicide investigator was flipping through snapshots and saw a picture of Rivera’s chest tattoos. Displayed proudly across his chest is a depiction of a 2004 liquor store murder during which Rivera shot and killed another man.

Each key detail was right there: the Christmas lights that lined the roof of the liquor store where 23-year-old John Juarez was gunned down, the direction his body fell, the bowed street lamp across the way and the street sign — all under the chilling banner of RIVERA KILLS, a reference to the gang Rivera-13.

As if to seal the deal, below the collarbone of the gang member known by the alias “Chopper” was a miniature helicopter raining down bullets on the scene. (Los Angeles Times)

This week, Garcia’s cooperation in prison has led to the arrest of another man linked to a gang murder that the same investigator didn’t think would ever be solved. Now if they could only tell me what my tramp stamp means. It’s an arrow with “Entre aqui”. Damn, I love a good mystery.

A man shot during a Black Swan screening Saturday, which wouldn’t be news in and of itself, what with all the lesbian ballerina action. The surprising part is that he used a gun and the bullet killed a guy.

Police said they had arrested a 27-year-old man suspected of shooting a 42-year-old fellow audience member who later died of his wounds.

The conflict took place as the credits rolled during a screen of the Oscar-nominated film “Black Swan”, according to police in the Baltic state.
Witnesses told the Latvian news agency Leta that it arose over how loudly the deceased man was eating his popcorn.

Gun-crime is relatively rare in Latvia, a European Union nation of 2.2 million.

The shooting occurred on Saturday evening in the central multiplex cinema in the Latvian capital, Riga, at the end of the psychological thriller. [Telegraph]

Man, frickin Latvians, am I right?  Always eating loud and shooting each other and yelling at the screen during movies.  Wait, that’s Latvians, right?