Ever since Tony Jaa kneed and elbowed his way into my heart and pee hole a few years ago, I’ve posted every related story I can find, including plenty of clipsfrom Ong Bak 3. But up until now, we’ve had to watch the foreign versions, experiencing the action as outsiders, left to naively wonder what exactly Tony Jaa was saying just before he impaled that bad guy’s butt hole on an elephant tusk.
Well now Ong Bak 3 is back, with English subtitles, to let you know that Tony Jaa “smells the scent of vengefulness in you.” Perhaps the scent is reminiscent of Thai food, like sex with Diablo Cody. He also rocks some pretty freaky makeup in this one. But I wouldn’t worry that Tony Jaa has gone Goth, he’s probably just painting his face to get pumped up for a big fight, like Lattimer from The Program. God I’m gonna be sad when people stop getting that reference.
I can’t believe I haven’t seen Ong Bak 2 yet, but I’m putting it on my Netflix queue today because after the jump I’ve got the trailer for Ong Bak 3. I can’t see them out of sequence, the plot probably wouldn’t even make sense. Anyway, the trailer contains much of what we’ve come to expect from Ong Bak, namely Tony Jaa elbowing people and doing stunts on an elephant. And you know it’s a real elephant too, because this is Thailand, and they don’t stand for none of that prepackaged, American fake-elephant bullsh*t. It’d be nice if we were still back in the good old days, before pansy actors and their Jew lawyers drove real elephants out of the business. It’s an outrage, really makes you want to gore somebody.
Ong Bak 3: Because an elephant never forgets… TO KICK YOUR ASS!
It was back in September that I first reported that 49-year-old Jean Claude Van Damme was planning to take on Thailand’s 1996 Olympic gold medalist boxer, Somluck Kamsing, in a no-elbows Muay Thai kickboxing match. Hardly anyone picked up the story, which I thought was strange — maybe they thought it sounded too unbelievable. Now we have video of JCVD at a press conference confirming the plans with his own waffle-eating mouth.
“I want to do three reality show: One casting one, one behind the scene of a movie called The Tower, and another TV show where I sign to fight with a big champion named Somluck. He’s a Thai fighter that’s got about 300 fight in English boxing and 250 fight in Muay Thai. “And once we have all da TV show, we are gonna fight in Macau, in three weeks after the TV show, and the movie come out. So between September and October, we have a movie come out, the end of three TV seasons, and a fight. It will be the first time in history and also the first time a guy at 50-years-old will go for a fight in Macau. [Ed. note: if he hadn't added 'in Macau', I'd point out that Ron van Clief was 51 when he got choked out by Royce Gracie at UFC 4] Which is kind of dangerous, but life is short, and I want to do this for two reasons: to prove to young people, and to mature people, dat a man can go thought training and also be a movie star, like Hollywood gets reality.”
Considering Van Damme hasn’t competed in martial arts since 1980 (when he was fighting in European karate tournaments), and his opponent is a gold effing medal winner from Thailand, this would seem to be serious case of putting his balls where his brain should be. I hope he’s actually training and not thinking he’s going to rely on his 80s karate skillz like he’s Lyoto Machida. Either way, I hope he paid this dude off. Because if getting your ass kicked is a valid method of promoting a movie, I’ve got a few projects I’d like to pitch Danny Masterson.
Here I was in the middle of writing a subtle, intensively-researched, impassioned piece about the health care crisis, when all of a sudden this new clip from Ong-Bak 2 shows up in my inbox. As you can see, the scene is that the black knight from Monty Python and some guys in masks are having a knife-sex party up in a tree when Tony Jaa decides to interrupt… WITH FISTS! AND KICKS! AND KNEES AND ELBOWS AND BONE BREAKS TO THE CHEST PARTS! Holy crap, nothing gets me fired up like new Tony Jaa clips. In fact, I just headbutted my coffee mug and beat my roommate to death with his own cat. Crap, I gotta go guys, I should call someone about this.
“THIS CHICK SEEMS FEISTY.”
Opens October 23rd in theaters, already available on OnDemand
This doesn’t seem like it could possibly be true, but the source looks legit as far as I can tell. They say Jean-Claude Van Damme has agreed to fight a K-1 muay thai match next March against ’96 Olympic gold medalist Somluck Kamsing.
This rumor was recently confirmed by Kamsing, who signed the contract for the fight on Sept. 4. The bout will take place in Las Vegas and will consist of five two-minute rounds, said Kamsing.
Van Damme has requested to bar the use of elbows during the fight because he is an actor and does not want his face to get cut or bruised, Kamsing told Siamsport. Kamsing is a Thai boxer who won the featherweight gold medal at the 1996 Olympics in Atlanta. [via FiveKnuckles]
My sources tell me Van Damme took the bout as part of his goal to become the answer to R. Lee Ermey’s Jeopardy question from Full Metal Jacket, “Who’s the twinkle-toed c’cksucker that just signed his own death warrant?” Now, you may point out that Somluck Kamsing is 5′ 7″, and last competed at 126 pounds. I might point out that Somluck Kamsing is a professional Thai boxer who makes a living beating up other professional Thai boxers, while Van Damme is a 48-year-old Belgian actor who knows karate. (And is between 5′ 8” and 5′ 10″, depending on who you ask.) If he’s really worried about his face getting bruised, he should probably switch this match to a tickle fight against Danny Bonaduce in the ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese. But watch out, because gingers bite. Read the rest of this entry »