Here I was in the middle of writing a subtle, intensively-researched, impassioned piece about the health care crisis, when all of a sudden this new clip from Ong-Bak 2 shows up in my inbox. As you can see, the scene is that the black knight from Monty Python and some guys in masks are having a knife-sex party up in a tree when Tony Jaa decides to interrupt… WITH FISTS! AND KICKS! AND KNEES AND ELBOWS AND BONE BREAKS TO THE CHEST PARTS! Holy crap, nothing gets me fired up like new Tony Jaa clips. In fact, I just headbutted my coffee mug and beat my roommate to death with his own cat. Crap, I gotta go guys, I should call someone about this.
“THIS CHICK SEEMS FEISTY.”
Opens October 23rd in theaters, already available on OnDemand
This doesn’t seem like it could possibly be true, but the source looks legit as far as I can tell. They say Jean-Claude Van Damme has agreed to fight a K-1 muay thai match next March against ‘96 Olympic gold medalist Somluck Kamsing.
This rumor was recently confirmed by Kamsing, who signed the contract for the fight on Sept. 4. The bout will take place in Las Vegas and will consist of five two-minute rounds, said Kamsing.
Van Damme has requested to bar the use of elbows during the fight because he is an actor and does not want his face to get cut or bruised, Kamsing told Siamsport. Kamsing is a Thai boxer who won the featherweight gold medal at the 1996 Olympics in Atlanta. [via FiveKnuckles]
My sources tell me Van Damme took the bout as part of his goal to become the answer to R. Lee Ermey’s Jeopardy question from Full Metal Jacket, “Who’s the twinkle-toed c’cksucker that just signed his own death warrant?” Now, you may point out that Somluck Kamsing is 5′ 7″, and last competed at 126 pounds. I might point out that Somluck Kamsing is a professional Thai boxer who makes a living beating up other professional Thai boxers, while Van Damme is a 48-year-old Belgian actor who knows karate. (And is between 5′ 8” and 5′ 10″, depending on who you ask.) If he’s really worried about his face getting bruised, he should probably switch this match to a tickle fight against Danny Bonaduce in the ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese. But watch out, because gingers bite.
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(Tony Jaa attempts to call a “timeout” in the honeymoon suite)
I’m not really sure that Tony Jaa understands how to make love to a guy twice his girth size. In this recent clip from Ong Bak 2 you’ll get to watch Jaa attempting coitus on the Celtics’ point guard. I don’t mean to hate, but Tony’s sex game is worse than my uncle Eddie’s. See, Eddie does this thing where he doesn’t wait for your permission before he tries something new, he just kind of…you know…um… anyway, enjoy the clip:
Between sizzle reels, featurettes, and various trailer cuts, I know I’ve already posted a lot of Ong Bak 2 stuff, but if you don’t still drop everything at the chance to see Tony Jaa knee people in the face and backflip off elephant tusks, I’m not sure we can be friends. The film, supposedly sporting a tighter recut, will be premiering on On Demand September 25th and will get a limited theatrical run starting October 23rd.
Midway through filming, it was reported that Jaa, who handled directing duties for the first time in his career, had walked off the set in order to meditate in the jungle. When he refused to come back and finish the film, the financial backers kidnapped his favorite elephant, Xing-Xing, whom Jaa had been given the sacred duty to protect by the shaman of his village. “Now, let this rogue come to us,” said the studio head, stroking his pet iguana. And that’s when Tony Jaa rode in on a cheetah and kicked everyone in the face. His foes vanquished, Jaa turned to Xing-Xing and the cheetah. “Now, friends, let us rejoice,” Jaa said, smiling, and they danced to the music of their ancestors.*
*Second half of story recreated from imagination
This is the French trailer for Tony Jaa’s Ong Bak 2, which, after a six-minute trim and some changes to the score, will open in Europe later this month (still no word on a U.S. release).
Ong Bak 2 had a famously difficult road to completion. Tony Jaa directed, against the advice of former director Prachya Pinkaew. But in the middle of the shoot he had a massive breakdown, fled into the forest and stayed there for two months (supposedly practicing black magic) before making a tearful return to civilization on live TV. Then he presented the film’s financier with a list of demands that had to be met if he was to finish the film; after showing up at a police station claiming that he was being followed by thugs (i.e. his financier’s goons) he just went back and finished the movie with the help of his mentor Panna Rittikrai. [/Film]
But the important thing is that he knees people in the face, almost gets bit by an alligator, and does a backflip off an elephant’s tusk. And you know the animals were real because this is Thailand. Over there they shoot with live animals and then cover them in fish sauce and serve them to the crew for lunch. Then Diablo Cody shows up and yells, “HEY, DOES IT SMELL LIKE MY PUSSY IN HERE?”
In retrospect, I realize this post spiraled out of control pretty fast, and for that I apologize.
