My panties were so moist over R-Pattz’ abstinence-induced rage sex that I scarcely noticed that the MTV Movie Awards had also debuted a new trailer for JJ Abrams’ Super 8.  Opening this weekend, it stars a group of wiener kids as a group of wiener kids in 1979 who witness an alien-related train crash while shooting an amateur film (the kids, not the alien).  Other than Elle Fanning, I don’t recognize any of the actors involved, though the cast does include the awesomely named “Britt Flatmo.”  In any case, it looks like a movie I already saw two or three times in the 80s, but then, JJ Abrams made Star Trek, and that turned out better anyone had any right to expect.  At the very least, Super 8 harkens back to a more innocent time in America, when every circle of friends had just one fat kid.

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"Hey, and what's the deal with airline food?"

Apologies for not live-blogging the MTV Movie Awards last night, but in fairness, I didn’t liveblog my nieces arguing over which of their dolls were prettiest either.  Nonetheless, they happened, and Reese Witherspoon was there, collecting her award for fetchest wedge sandals “generation award”, whatever the hell that is.  Naturally, she took this as an opportunity to diss Blake Lively, who’d been onstage 10 minutes earlier. Mee-yow.

“I get it, girls, that it’s cool to be a bad girl. But it is possible to make it in Hollywood without doing a reality show. When I came up in this business, if you made a sex tape, you were embarrassed and you hid it under your bed. And if you took naked pictures of yourself on your cell phone, you hide your face, people! Hide your face!” [TheSuperficial]

Uh, what?  Now, I get it if we’re talking about Paris Hilton or Kim Kardashian, talentless idiots who rode to fame on the backs (heh) of the sex tapes they pretended were unauthorized and now sell perfume to little girls, but the knock on Blake Lively seems uncalled for.  If someone hacks your cell phone against your will and posts your private pictures, you’re the one that’s supposed to be ashamed?  Granted I’m just a raging sexist dying for a broad to make me a sandwich, but that seems very… unfeminist to me. Not to mention, you do realize you just won a box of fake popcorn at a ceremony that honored Justin Bieber’s “Best Jaw-Dropping Moment” in Justin Bieber: Never Say Never and gave “Best Line from a Movie” to “I want to get chocolate wasted!” from Grown Ups, right?  Maybe not the best place to start doling out life advice like you’re the school valedictorian. “Remember, kids, take your vitamins and always believe in yourself!  …And now, here’s Channing Tatum to interpretive pop and lock the nominees for ickyest creeper!”

In conclusion, YOU APOLOGIZE TO BLAKE LIVELY RIGHT NOW, REESE WITHERSPOON!  SHE IS A GREAT PERSON AND A WONDERFUL PHOTOGRAPHER!

The MTV Movie Awards happened last night, and while I don’t have a TV in my new apartment yet so I couldn’t live-tweef the event, I gather Twilight took home the “we will shamelessly pimp you for ratings” award.  So sad.  When I think “MTV”, I think “integrity.”  I’ve got a full list of winners below, and above, a compilation of every F-bomb dropped during the evening, and there were lots (F*CKIN’ ABSTINENCE PARABLES FOR LIFE, MOTHERF*CKER!). During the award for best movie, they let Peter “Mike Dexter” Facinelli have the microphone, and everyone was sorely disappointed when he didn’t immediately shout “Aman-duuuhhhh.”  Who’s. Gonna want. You now.

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In a pair of new video promos for the MTV Movie Awards (the only awards show in which Kate Hudson gets the respect she deserves), Tom Cruise reprises his role as Les Grossman from Tropic Thunder.  Now, I know a lot of people really liked his cameo in Tropic Thunder. But with all due respect, you people need to take the Retard Bus back to Two and a Half Men Town and stop pretending your opinion is valid.  It’s awful, and the worst thing about it is that the character concept and his makeup (especially the hands) are really funny. But then Tom Cruise has to ruin it by mugging for the camera and beating you over the head with every joke.  And they always show the part where he raps along to Ludacris, which is like a root canal for my eyeballs.  How is this any different than Queen Latifah teaching Steve Martin to act street in Bringing Down the House? Or Sinbad teaching Phil Hartman to act street in Houseguest? Or Karl Rove rapping in whatever circle of hell this was?  Unhip white people rapping has been around for 20 years now. IT’S NEVER FUNNY. NEVER EVER.  FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP ENCOURAGING IT.

Anyway, here’s more of that.  Now stay the hell off my lawn.

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The MTV Movie Awards will air on June 6, but since MTV doesn’t air the show live, we’ll know the winners of the “awards” within a week of the show. And since MTV promises the big awards in exchange for star power *cough, Tom Cruise, cough* it’s safe to say that the winners have already been determined for convenience. But that won’t stop rising actors and actresses from doing as their publicists tell them to and act excited to be a part of it.

MTV posted an “article” on the main Movie Awards website, and it’s so awesome and insightful that it took three writers to complete. The focus is on District 9 actor Sharlto Copley and Avatar’s Stephen Lang, both of whom were nominated for “who cares” and *shrugs shoulders*, respectively. Of his nominations, Lang told MTV: “I think these awards are cool, and to get two nominations is just a gas.” What a coincidence… *fart noise*.

Remove a couple ribs and get down, MTV:

A South African native, Copley has a long history of watching the show and made a point of thanking fans for giving him a chance to take part in the action. “I’m very surprised but very grateful to the MTV and ‘District 9′ fans that voted for me,” he said. “It really — the MTV Movie Awards were the kind of awards that I like, the only real award ceremony over the years in South Africa that I actually did watch whenever I could. It’s a real honor. It also actually shows that our film ended up in the pop culture.”

Hate to bust your bubble, Sharlto, but it’s not a real award show. On the totem pole of ceremonies, the MTV Movie Awards is below the Kids Choice Awards. The Hollywood Foreign Press thinks MTV’s show is a joke. I’m not completely full of hate, though. I’m sure Aziz Ansari will be very funny as the host, which will suck because not one person in the audience will understand intelligent wit.

But then Jack Black will come out and do a cartwheel into a Twilight cake and Ellen Page will make a dry comment like, “Looks like he had his cake and ate it, too” and the whole place will go apesh*t.

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