He’s looking at the list of this week’s new DVDs.

Your Mid-Week Guide To DVD And Streaming is back, and just in time to run down one of the worst weeks for DVD releases in recent memory.  We’ve got big-budget box-office duds like Jack The Giant Slayer, moderately-budgeted duds like Stoker, and just plain embarrassing films like Movie 43 (pictured above).  This week’s not so great selections run the gamut from giants to G-strings, with everything from opera singers to exorcists in between.  It’s June -who really wants to be stuck in front of the TV anyways?

The DVDs:
Jack The Giant Slayer
Stoker
Movie 43
Quartet
21 & Over
The Last Exorcism Part II
The Brass Teapot
Summoned
Divorce Invitation
The Ghastly Love Of Johnny X
Zero Killed
The G-String Horror

Streaming: Check out your choices here.

If I’m being honest, one or two of these films do actually look watchable: it really is amazing what they can do with picture and sound quality on home video these days.  If you want to know which films you shouldn’t skip, continue reading on the next page.  On the other hand, if you’ve already seen The Brass Teapot, feel free to hop on over to the Netflix Instant suggestions by clicking the link above, but if you do you’ll never know which film I think might hold some promise. Read the rest of this entry »

Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters earned almost $20 million in its opening weekend, proving that I’ve completely misunderstood human nature my whole life. I haven’t felt this alienated from my fellow man since the last time someone mentioned any of today’s popular television or music or children’s names. Hansel/Gretel’s opening was three million better than Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, and while critics hated it (15 percent on RottenTomatoes), audiences… well, audiences thought it was just sort of meh too, giving it a B cinemascore. Hooray for a dearth of options!

Elsewhere, Parker landed in fifth with just $7 million, even worse than the last Stafe movie. It’s all part of my thesis, No One Actually Likes J-Lo. Below even that was Movie 43, with just $5 million.

In seventh place, star-studded comedy anthology Movie 43 tanked with just $5 million. That’s lower than practically any comparable titles, including spoof comedy Disaster Movie ($5.8 million). The audience skewed younger (59 percent under 25 years of age) and about even on gender (51 percent male), and they gave the movie an atrocious “D” CinemaScore. [BoxOfficeMojo]

Yep, even stoned teenagers hated it. It should be noted, though, that it only cost $6 million to make. Still, the savage reviews (5% on RT) were mean enough that the Farrelly Brothers (who produced and directed a segment) felt compelled to answer back::

To the critics: Movie 43 is not the end of the world. It’s just a $6-million movie where we tried to do something different. Now back off. P

— Farrelly Brothers (@farrellybros) January 27, 2013

To the critics: You always complain that Hollywood never gives you new stuff, and then when you get it, you flip out. Lighten up. P

— Farrelly Brothers (@farrellybros) January 27, 2013

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“What have I told you about letting Peter Farrelly make movies?”

Opening Everywhere: Movie 43, Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters, Parker. God help us, it’s January. God help us all.

FilmDrunk Suggests: I suggest that you sit down and buckle up, because someone cut the brake lines on the negative train and I’m about to crash this sucker into Cynic City, USA.

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Did you think I’d forgotten about This Week in Posters this week? No such luck, punks! We’re back, with the latest in indies, Jason Statham, Vince Vaughn, Fake Vince Vaughn, and the latest trend in posters: stripes!

Afternoon Delight: Penis! Vagina! Bukkake double team! No wait! Two chicks going ass to ass with a tranny! Hold on, is this not a Rorschach? Anyway, I’m hoping this has lots of sex. But knowing Sundance, it’ll probably just be a sad French lady with a giant muff who smokes lots of cigarettes.

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