He’s looking at the list of this week’s new DVDs.

Your Mid-Week Guide To DVD And Streaming is back, and just in time to run down one of the worst weeks for DVD releases in recent memory.  We’ve got big-budget box-office duds like Jack The Giant Slayer, moderately-budgeted duds like Stoker, and just plain embarrassing films like Movie 43 (pictured above).  This week’s not so great selections run the gamut from giants to G-strings, with everything from opera singers to exorcists in between.  It’s June -who really wants to be stuck in front of the TV anyways?

The DVDs:
Jack The Giant Slayer
Stoker
Movie 43
Quartet
21 & Over
The Last Exorcism Part II
The Brass Teapot
Summoned
Divorce Invitation
The Ghastly Love Of Johnny X
Zero Killed
The G-String Horror

Streaming: Check out your choices here.

If I’m being honest, one or two of these films do actually look watchable: it really is amazing what they can do with picture and sound quality on home video these days.  If you want to know which films you shouldn’t skip, continue reading on the next page.  On the other hand, if you’ve already seen The Brass Teapot, feel free to hop on over to the Netflix Instant suggestions by clicking the link above, but if you do you’ll never know which film I think might hold some promise. Read the rest of this entry »

You’re looking for camel toe when you should be admiring the sweet PT Cruiser with New Jersey vanity plates.

Today’s Tuesday and you know what that means: new DVDs! For this week’s top pick we’ve got the Oscar-winning Silver Linings Playbook, but there’s plenty of other options if you’ve already seen that film.  We’ve got a movie with Mark Wahlberg and Russell Crowe, a movie starring Seth Rogen and Barbara Streisand, and even a film starring Tobey Maguire and Ray Liotta.  We’ve got DVDs about everything from raccoons to little red wagons, and even one about some old guy who once shook the hand of some other guy!

The DVDs:
Silver Linings Playbook
Broken City
The Guilt Trip
Not Fade Away
The Details
The Man Who Shook The Hand Of Vicente Fernandez
Parked
Little Red Wagon
Young And Wild
The Wicked
Manborg
Agent Beetle

Streaming: Check out your choices here.

In researching one of these films, I discovered a new way to masturbate.  If you want to know more, you’ll have to continue reading.  If you don’t  want to know more about my masturbatory revelation (and I can’t imagine why you wouldn’t) click the link above to jump straight to the Netflix Instant suggestions -but I can’t guarantee that I won’t discuss masturbation on that page as well.  In fact, I probably will. Read the rest of this entry »

For once they managed to line up the names with the faces.

It’s another week without much going on in DVD land, but at least we’ve got Django Unchained hitting DVD today, and obviously I’m excited about Chris Kattan’s latest opus. We’ve also got a film starring Alison Brie & Lizzy Caplan, and another one starring Tom Sizemore. We’ve got southern ghosts and Australian ejaculators.  We’ve got escaped mental patients and modern-day messiahs.  There’s even a movie about four people having sex together -at the same time.  Wild, right?

The DVDs:
Django Unchained
Save The Date
The Colombian Connection
Future Weather
The Haunting In Connecticut 2: Ghosts Of Georgia
Not Suitable For Children
Escapee
Lamb Of God
4some
Jacob
This Is Our Time
Crazy Enough

Streaming: check out your choices here.

Want to more about Chris Kattan’s new film, Crazy Enough?  Continue reading to find out some behind the scenes secrets straight from the set.  Wondering which movie is about the ménage à quatre? If you really can’t guess, continue reading and you’ll find out.  On the other hand, if you’ve already seen Django Unchained and would really rather hear about movies you might actually want to watch, click the link above to jump straight to the Netflix suggestions.  You’ll never get to click on the  ‘Alison Brie-holding-a-dildo’ link I’ve got coming up, but that choice is yours to make. Read the rest of this entry »

Bill Murray as FDR playing water polio.

I’ll give it to you straight: the only new DVD this week you’ve heard of is Hyde Park On Hudson, the movie in which Bill Murray plays Franklin Delano Roosevelt, but that doesn’t mean the other DVDs all suck; it just means you haven’t heard of them yet.  Also, they pretty much all suck.  But some of them don’t.  Maybe.  Good or bad, each and every DVD this week stars at least someone you’ve heard of, assuming you watch the right TV shows and/or listen to Christian contemporary music. Besides Bill Murray as history’s greatest cripple (suck it, Stephen Hawking), we’ve got films starring James Gandolfini, Jet Li, Judd Nelson, William Hurt, Michael Madsen, Eric Roberts, Eric Roberts (he’s in two movies this week) and everyone’s favorite Greens, Eva and Seth. (Suck it, Brian Austin.)

The DVDs:
Hyde Park On Hudson
Down The Shore
Womb
Sexy Evil Genius
The Sorcerer And The White Snake
Bad Kids Go To Hell
The Kitchen
Late Bloomers
Luster
Crush
Infected
Shadow Witness
Ring The Bell
The Kill Hole
Paranormal Movie
Worth: The Testimony Of Johnny St. James

Streaming: Check out your choices here.

Think you know what a kill hole is?  The only way to be sure is to continue reading. Wondering who the sexy evil genius is?  You might find out if you continue reading.  Did you just finish streaming Fire With Fire on Netflix Instant and are eager for more suggestions?  Just click the link above, but if you do you’ll never know which film will cause you to seriously consider the definition of incest. Read the rest of this entry »

A member of SEAL Team Six discovers that bin Laden’s pubes were left everywhere in that house.

It’s a big week for DVD releases as a bunch of the holiday season heavy hitters are now available for your home viewing pleasure.  Today sees the release of both The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey as well as Zero Dark Thirty, and in a few days both Les Misérables and This Is 40 come out as well. But wait, there’s more:  We’ve also got movies starring Lizzy Caplan, Luke Wilson, Parker Posey, and Haley Joel Osment.  We’ve got bachelorettes and shadow people, and also legless whale trainers and kickboxers. We’ve even got rust and bone.  All that and some cartoon lesbians as well!

The DVDs:
The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey
Zero Dark Thirty
Les Misérables
This Is 40
Bachelorette
Straight A’s
Price Check
Sassy Pants
Rust And Bone
The Girl
The Other Son
Hellgate
Shadow People
Adventures In Appletown
23 Minutes To Sunrise
Strange Frame

Streaming: check out your choices here.

I know you’re intrigued by the legless whale trainer, so continue reading to find out which movie has her. You might as well; you’re already going to in search of those cartoon lesbians.  On the other hand, if you insist that you only see movies with real, live, two-legged straight women, you can always just click the link for the streaming picks, but to be honest, most of the DVDs have straight, legged (and straight-legged) women in them as well, so it would still be your loss. Read the rest of this entry »