Invizible bewbs

Earlier this week, Universal pulled the plug on Ron Howard’s ambitious plan to turn Stephen King’s Dark Tower into three movies and a television series, presumably because it was too expensive and they hate gingers. But a man as attractive as Howard isn’t one to be without a dance partner long, and he quickly dipped his pasty red balls into an adaptation of Jon Krakauer’s Under the Banner of Heaven, an exposé of sorts on the history of Mormonism, with Milk‘s Dustin Lance Black writing the script.

Here’s the book description, from Amazon:

In 1984, Ron and Dan Lafferty murdered the wife and infant daughter of their younger brother Allen. The crimes were noteworthy not merely for their brutality but for the brothers’ claim that they were acting on direct orders from God. In Under the Banner of Heaven, Jon Krakauer tells the story of the killers and their crime but also explores the shadowy world of Mormon fundamentalism from which the two emerged. The Mormon Church was founded, in part, on the idea that true believers could speak directly with God. But while the mainstream church attempted to be more palatable to the general public by rejecting the controversial tenet of polygamy, fundamentalist splinter groups saw this as apostasy and took to the hills to live what they believed to be a righteous life. When their beliefs are challenged or their patriarchal, cult-like order defied, these still-active groups, according to Krakauer, are capable of fighting back with tremendous violence. [AmazonReview]

Black is actually a former Mormon himself, who has written for Big Love on HBO and recently wrote a play about Prop 8, a 2006 gay marriage ban in California that the Mormon church helped fund.

Black should know the material well and it sounds like this could have Oscar potential. Mainly because it’s easy to imagine Hollywood’s most powerful Scientologists championing a film about the dark heart of Mormonism. Probably while slowly backing away from the alien-spirit Geiger counter thingie they use to cure autistic kids. “What? No, I don’t know what that is, or whose. …Hey, did you hear about that Momo who murdered his family? Pretty cuckoo, right? Some people will believe the wackiest stuff.”

AW HELL YEAH, SON, LATTER DAY SAINTS BE MARCHIN! According to the Hollywood Reporter, Twilight author Stephenie Meyer is producing the directorial debut of Napoleon Dynamite co-writer Jerusha Hess, which begins shooting this week in the UK. The adaptation of a book by fellow Mormon Shannon Hale, Austenland is set to star Bret McKenzie of Flight of the Conchords and Keri Russell.  Hess, who co-wrote the screenplay with Hale, previously co-wrote Dynamite, Nacho Libre, and Gentleman Broncos with her husband, Jared, who graduated from BYU, as did both she and Stephenie Meyer. CLAW ‘EM, COUGARS! ROOT BEER KEGS FOR EVERYONE!  Here’s the book description from Publisher’s Weekly:

In 32-year-old singleton Jane Hayes’s mind, no man in the world can measure up to Fitzwilliam Darcy—specifically the Fitzwilliam played by Colin Firth in the BBC adaptation of Pride and Prejudice. Jane is forced to confront her Austen obsession when her wealthy great-aunt Carolyn dies and leaves her an all-expenses-paid vacation to Pembrook Park, a British resort where guests live like the characters in Jane’s beloved Austen novels. Jane sees the trip as an opportunity for one last indulgence of her obsession before she puts it “all behind her—Austen, men, fantasies, period,” but the lines between reality and fiction become pleasantly blurred as Jane acclimates to the world of Spencer jackets and stringent etiquette rules, and finds herself torn between the Darcyesque Mr. Nobley and a forbidden tryst with Pembrook Park’s gardener.

A Colin Firth-themed rom-com set in the world of Jane Austen LARP?  Damn, I’m staying out of the Magic Johnson theater that weekend, the brothers will be going nuts for this one.

Back when Amanda Seyfried, Hollywood’s Mormonest actress, starred in Dear John (remember that movie? the one with Channing Tatum that inspired C-Tates to start that web sizzy about all the things ya boy got mad love for?), I said it was the Mormonest movie ever.  Well I take it back.  Last night I was watching TV and an ad for Seyfried’s new movie, Letters to Juliet came on, and incredibly, it looks EVEN MORMONIER.

How Mormony is it?  Amanda Seyfried goes to a spot in Verona where people leave letters to Juliet (of Romeo and Juliet), and finds a letter written in the 50s.  She answers it, and would you believe it, gets a response!  Which eventually leads her on a road trip through Italy to find the old lady’s (Vanessa Redgrave) long lost love with her and her grandson. In the process, SHE FALLS IN LOVE WITH A BLOND DUDE DURING A CAR RIDE WITH GRANDMA.  Oh, and then grandma’s love interest rides up on a horse.  Will they churn butter together and drink decaffinated tea?  Find out this Mother’s Day!  Game, set, Mormon.

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Yahoo just released a bunch of new pictures from Dear John, and I’m finding myself slightly obsessed with this film.  Look at how earnest and wholesome it is!  It’s like a Kirk Cameron film without the conflict and threats of eternal damnation!  It’s like a Tyler Perry film without the strugglin ta make ends meet and cross dressing (and scary minorities)!  When this plays, they should hand out magic underwear in the lobby.  Or let families watch it from the comfort of their minivan.  Haha, let’s all go out for ice cream!

(I swear to God I happened upon this picture completely by accident)

Unbeknownst to most of us, Stephenie Meyer’s first novel for adults, The Host, was released last year.  Now some producers have bought the movie rights.  Oh don’t worry, it sounds awesome.

Meyer’s novel is a love story set in the near future on Earth, which has been assimilated by an alien species that call themselves “Souls.” They are benevolent parasites that subsume the conscious [the conscience?  the consciousness?  don't look at me, I don't speak retard.] of humans and take possession of their bodies. One such soul, The Wanderer (so named because she has wandered among so many different worlds) is fused with a dying human named Melanie Stryder [Melanie Stryder? Is that like Mephenie Steyer?], in an attempt to locate the last pocket of surviving humans on Earth. The Wanderer cannot subsume the forceful Melanie, and they battle for the girl’s memories and her spirit. [Variety]

Here’s an even better synopsis from Publisher’s Weekly:

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