That poor kid on the left just happened to be walking by.

Since I don’t watch American Idol or keep track of the 15 shows on network TV dedicated to karaoke, I knew One Direction mainly as that group of hair-farming milk babies from a Drew Brees commercial. Well if they look like a parody of boy bands from 10 years ago, that’s because they were assembled by Simon Cowell, during the original UK version of X-Factor a few years back. And now, following in the illustrious footsteps of Hannah Montana, the Jonas Brothers, Justin Bieber, and Katy Perry, they’ll be getting the 3D concert movie treatment, courtesy of Sony/Tristar and Morgan Spurlock.

Wait, what? The Morgan Spurlock from Supersize Me? The Morgan Spurlock who just last year directed a documentary about out-of-control product placement? I don’t like to make a habit of calling guys sellouts, but this definitely seems like something that rhymes with schmelling schmout. From the press release:

Sony Pictures announced today that it’s making a 3D film showcasing London-based global music sensation One Direction. Acclaimed documentary filmmaker Morgan Spurlock (Super Size Me) will direct the film, which TriStar Pictures will release on August 30, 2013 (Labor Day weekend).

“This is an incredible opportunity and an amazing moment in time for the band,” said director/producer Spurlock.  “To capture this journey and share it with audiences around the world will be an epic undertaking that I am proud to be a part of.”

Simon Cowell noted: “I’m delighted we’re making this film and Morgan is the perfect person to give that access-all-areas, behind-the-scenes look into what it’s like to be One Direction today. What the band have achieved is incredible, they and their fans have made history around the world – this is for them.”

Jesus, get it together, Spurlock. The only way to redeem this project would be to get one of these booger-babies addicted to heroin or framed for a murder.

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[don't worry, this is the death metal version, and it rules]

I’m not going to lie to you folks, although entertainment news is generally trivial and boring as a rule, there were some worthy stories in the last couple days that I couldn’t fully insert myself into (UNNNNGGGH). I’m not done for the day, but here’s a rundown to bring us up to speed.

Rebecca Black is a millionaire (or not).  People were up in arms this morning after a writer at Forbes estimated that Rebecca Black had made more than $1 million for her “Friday” video. Turns out it’s more like $24,900, which is still a pretty awesome Bat Mitsvah present.  People get pissed about this stuff, but I don’t really see why. Intentionally or not, she made a video that brought me a lot of joy, and that’s more than I can say for the majority of people who more money than me.  And all irony, or whatever you want to call it aside, if you don’t honestly think “Friday” (which cost $2,000) is better than Kim Kardashian’s first single (which probably cost 50 times that and was created by a famous hip-hop producer), you should cut off your ears and stuff them in your ass.

Albert Brooks to play Paul Rudd’s father in Apatow flick.  I love everything about that sentence.  Albert Brooks is rightly revered as a comedy god, and having him play Paul Rudd’s father gives hope to poor, be-Jewfro’d souls such as myself that our children might escape our terrible affliction. Also, how did Albert Brooks (whose real name is Albert Einstein, incidentally) get a normal voice? His brother Super Dave sounds like he got throat-raped by an acid-dicked dragon. [Deadline]

José Padilha confirms Robocop rumors. YAAAAAY… for the Robocop remake. BOOOOO… for us missing whatever awesome Brazilian thing he was planning to make before this came along. Still no word on when Elite Squad 2, which just played in Miami and Berlin, will get a US theatrical release. Though it’s already on Blu-ray if you speak Portuguese.  I guess we’ll just have to wait patiently while it makes its way here, like we did with the hairless vagina. [DigitalSpy]

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One of the new movies lost in the bigger-hyped major releases like Let Me In and the Social Network this weekend is Freakonomics, the documentary adaptation of the wildly popular (wild, I say!) book of the same name, opening in 16 cities and already available for rent on iTunes.  Usually when a non-fiction best seller gets popular enough that someone tries to make a movie out of it, they turn the author’s research and unique storytelling into a generic Hollywood movie that just happens to be kinda sorta true like The Blind Side, or Fast Food Nation.  And who remembers Fast Food Nation?  Not even Wilmer Valderrama’s parents.

Freakonomics takes the novel approach of turning the book into a pretty straightforward documentary, with vignettes directed by Morgan Spurlock (Fast Food Nation), Alex Gibney (Gonzo, Enron), Rachel Grady and Heidi Ewing (Jesus Camp), and Eugene Jarecki (Why We Fight), all held together by introductions from the authors directed by Seth Gordon (King of Kong).  It’s sort of a documentary filmmaker supergroup, like Damn Yankees, but with less loincloths (depending on how Spurlock feels that day).  Each section promises to use an incentive-based way of thinking pioneered by “rogue economist” Steven Levitt (he’s been known to spit a bilious mixture of partially digested food when agitated and once gored a colleague with a calculator) to explain phenomena of the natural world.  Spurlock’s segment explores the effect of baby names on the child’s life, Gibney looks at corruption in the world of sumo wrestling, Eugene Jarecki’s portion deals with the link between legalized abortion and a drop in the crime rate, and Grady and Ewing try to find out whether ninth graders can be bribed into not acting like idiotic ninth graders.

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If you don’t enjoy documentaries, you’re probably dumb. Opening this October (though available through OnDemand in September), Freakonomics teams up pretty much all your favorite documentary filmmakers for a non-fiction film adaptation of the best-selling, non-fiction book.  This adaptation is a lot better than their original idea, which was to have Sandra Bullock teach a black kid economics. (“He can’t read, but I found something surprising: he scored in the 98th percentile in cost-analysis instincts.”)

“A Roshanda By Any Other Name” by Morgan Spurlock [Super Size Me] will look into the effects a name has on a child, particularly as it pertains to difference in names associated with black and white children. “Pure Corruption” by Alex Gibney [Gonzo, Taxi to the Dark Side] will use the world of sumo wrestlers to explore the incentive to cheat. “It’s Not Always A Wonderful Life” by Eugene Jarecki [Trials of Henry Kissinger] will investigate the link between abortion and dropping crime rates while “Can A Ninth Grader Be Bribed To Succeed” by Heidi Ewing and Rachel Grady [Jesus Camp] is pretty self explanatory. Seth Gordon [King of Kong] directed the introduction and transitional scenes. [ThePlaylist]

The trailer sort of explains the premise of the book and of a few of the segments, but doesn’t give too much of it away.  My biggest disappointment was that the Freakonomics authors look so normal.  I was hoping at least one dude would walk in with a huge mohawk and a sleeveless leather jacket with a bunch of piercings and a pentagram tattooed on his forehead, and people would start whispering, “Whoa, who’s that guy?”  And their friends would be all like, “Him?  He’s a freakonomicist.”

Rogue Economists have also been known to trample their keepers and gore pen mates

Pictured: An average movie blogger

I’m putting myself at severe risk of contracting dandruff and pink eye to report to you the following news: Morgan Spurlock will be teaming up with Joss Whedon, AintItCoolNews founder Harry Knowles, and Stan Lee to create a documentary about Comic-Con.  Hmm, I think I liked this better when it was narrated by Olivia Munn in a Slave Leia outfit. (*takes drag on inhaler*)

Deflect my spell, Hollywood Reporter.  LIGHTNING BOLT! LIGHTNING BOLT!

Spurlock, who was nominated for an Oscar for his “Super Size Me” documentary, is directing. Shooting begins in June, tracking its subjects to this year’s Comic-Con, which runs July 21-25 in San Diego.  Knowles, Whedon and Lee are on board in undetermined consulting roles.

“Comic-Con Episode Four: A Fan’s Hope” will, in the worlds of the film’s makers, “follow seven different people from across America, and around the world, as they descend upon the veritable Mecca of fandom and experience the rapture that is Comic-Con.”

I think by “rapture”, they mean that it’s like driving along when all of a sudden, all the world’s non-nerds are simultaneously miracled into heaven, and everyone that’s left behind gets herded into a big auditorium where porn stars stand around trying to sell you Krod Mandoon DVDs.