Folks, I don’t always report casting news from the trades, but then, not every trade rundown includes Morgan Freeman, the director of Air Bud, and MARINE BIOLOGIST HARRY CONNICK JR.

Harry Connick Jr., Ashley Judd and Morgan Freeman are in negotiations to star in the inspirational 3D drama “A Dolphin’s Tale.” “Dolphin” is inspired by the true story of a dolphin named Winter who was rescued off the Florida coast and taken in by the Clearwater Marine Aquarium. Charles Martin Smith (Air Bud) will be directing the film from a script by Karen Janszen (A Walk to Remember).

The movie version centers on an introverted, 11-year-old boy who befriends an injured dolphin who lost her tail in a crab trap. Through their bond and friendship, the boy motivates everyone around him to help save the dolphin by creating a prosthetic appendage. The mammal’s strong survival instincts become an inspiration to people with special needs.

Connick Jr. plays a marine biologist who rescues the dolphin. Judd plays the boy’s mother, while Freeman is a doctor who creates a prosthetic limb for Winter. [Reuters]

Holy crap holy crap holy crap.  Connick a marine biologist, a dolphin that inspires retards, and Morgan Freeman as a kindly doctor who designs prosthetic dolphin tails???  THIS SOUNDS F*CKING INCREDIBLE.  After playing God, the president, and Nelson Mandela, I guess “Robot Dolphin Expert” was the only place to go. BATMAN’S SUIT WILL HAVE TO WAIT, FOR I HAVE PROSTHETIC DOLPHIN TAILS TO FINISH!   It practically writes itself.  I imagine the hardest part was deciding whether to spell it “tail” or “tale” in the title.  BOTH ARE TRUE! IT WORKS ON SO MANY LEVELS!

This is the trailer for Red, from Summit Entertainment.  It’s based on a comic book and I didn’t cover it much, because during production, it sounded like the most generic action movie ever:

Red is the story of Frank Moses (Bruce Willis), a former black-ops CIA agent, who is now living a quiet life. That is, until the day a hi-tech assassin shows up intent on killing him. With his identity compromised and the life of the woman he cares for, Sarah (Mary Louise Parker), endangered, Frank reassembles his old team (Morgan Freeman, John Malkovich and Helen Mirren) in a last ditch effort to survive.

So basically Watchmen meets A-Team meets Bourne meets Killers/Knight and Day/Mrs. Smith.  The premise couldn’t possibly squeeze in more overused plot gimmicks, short of adding vampires.  There’s also the matter of the director, Robert Schwenke having previously done Flightplan and The Time Traveler’s Wife.  And yet, dare I say it, it actually looks fun.  I guess casting Bruce Willis, Helen Mirren, John Malkovich, Mary Louise Parker, and Morgan Freeman goes a long way.  It also helps that Bruce Willis never tells Helen Mirren to count to three, only to have her ignore him and flail screaming into a hail of bullets like a retard.  GET IT?  IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE GIRLS ARE STUPID!  I’ll take this over Knight and Day any day.  Or knight.

(“Shirtless MMMATTT DAAAMON.”  /obligatory)

Clint Eastwood is a hell of a director, but he gives himself quite a task in Invictus.  He has to give us enough background on the complex history and politics of a place where even the national anthem is in five languages, just for the contemporary American audience to understand it, let alone care.  Then, after he’s sufficiently familiarized us  with the complex racial dynamic in post-apartheid South Africa, which has just elected a dynamic speaker with no governing experience to its highest office (relevant!), he has to prove to us that a sport is relevant. And not just a regular sport either, a sport that to most Americans, just looks like a bunch of burly white guys trying to stick their heads up each other’s butts.  *furiously masturbating* Oh, and there’s also the matter of explaining how the South Africa Springboks apparently went from laughingstock to World Cup contender in less than a year with no significant personnel changes. (a montage?)

You catch all that?  Don’t worry, the expository dialog should bring you up to speed.  Exchanges like: “The New Zealand team will be doing the Haka.”
“You mean the traditional Maori war chant?  Yes, thees ees a prrroblem.”

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Oscar bait, anyone?  This is the trailer for Invictus, directed by Clint Eastwood, starring beloved actor Morgan Freeman as beloved leader of South Africa Nelson Mandela. Hoping to unite his country in the wake of apartheid, Mandela calls on Springboks captain Francois Pienaar (Mmmatt Daaaamon) to get the country behind their rugby team during the 1995 World Cup hosted by South Africa.  It’s basically Cinderella Team, or District 9 without the aliens.

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Wanted was recently released on DVD.  I watched it.  Here is my 30-second review:

Wesley Gibson was schlubby douche loser.  In fact, he was such a nobody that a Google search on his name turned up zero results, even though his name is WESLEY GIBSON.  Then, one day, HE FOUND OUT HE WAS A SUPER RICH ASSASSIN! So he joined a fraternity of assassins. Assassins who were also weavers.  Weavers who pledged their loyalty to a giant, mechanized loom their ancestors built 1000 years ago.  Wait, what?  They had mechanized looms 1000 years ago?  SHUT UP! I WILL SHOOT YOU IN THE HEAD! YOU’RE NOT EVEN MY REAL FATHER!

Morgan Freeman: “Motherf-cker!”

The End.