QUICKIES…

Tom Wilson, aka Biff Tannen, must get asked about Back to the Future a lot, because he’s compiled a handy postcard to answer the most common questions. It’s basically an analog FAQ section. Among the revelations: Crispin Glover is unusual. So now you know. [via LettersofNote]

Morgan Freeman is not marrying his granddaughter. This one’s a little old, but it seemed important to note that God/the president/Nelson Mandela is not actually f*cking his step granddaughter. “The recent reports of any pending marriage or romantic relationship of me to anyone are defamatory fabrications from the tabloid media designed to sell papers.” That damned National Enquirer, they’re less trustworthy than John Travolta’s masseuse. [CNN]

Roman Polanski is doing a movie about the Dreyfuss Affair. Speaking of banging children, Roman Polanski has announced that his next film will be D, a spy story about The Dreyfuss Affair, an 1890s political scandal in which a Jewish officer in the French Army was wrongly accused of spying for zee Germans. I’m sure there’s a child-rape joke in there somewhere, but all I can think about is that Dreyfus supporters were known as “Dreyfusards,” and how much I wish it had been “Dreyfus’tards.” [THR]

Facebook co-founder Eduardo Saverin (Andrew Garfield in The Social Network) has renounced his US citizenship. Sounds like a very un-Spiderman move, if you ask me. Saverin’s people say the move was required by strict rules on what US citizens are allowed to invest in, and not a way to avoid taxes. Though I’m sure if you ask Aaron Sorkin, it was all just some present-day manifestation of a character flaw developed during a dramatic event in Saverin’s childhood that he’s been trying to run away from ever since. [CNNMoney/Yahoo]

Tribeca acquires The Comedy, a non-Tim & Eric movie starring Tim Heidecker.

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Here’s “Deep Thoughts, With Morgan Freeman,” a supercut of Morgan Freeman’s most philosophical moments. Surprisingly, he says nothing on the subject of banging your own granddaughter. |NextMovie|

MORNING LINKS
TV Gourmet: Making Food and Drinks from ‘Archer’ |Warming Glow|

5 Reasons David Cronenberg Should Direct “Doctor Strange” |Gamma Squad|

‘Let Me Tweet That For You’ Will Be Your Favorite Thing On The Internet For The Next Five Minutes |UPROXX|

The Craziest 10 Minutes In NFL History |Smoking Section|

Frotcast 92: HOTT GOSS, Stand Up with Joe King & Pauly, The Ultimate Manswer |Film Drunk|

Jennifer Lawrence Hurls A Bucket Of KFC Fried Chicken At A Basketball Hoop |Buzzfeed|

The difference between scotch, whiskey, and bourbon. |MentalFloss|

10 Things You Probably Didn’t Know About Sloths |The FW|

Bear Grylls’ 11 best survival moments. |ModernMan|

Kim Kardashian got flour dumped on her. Can this happen more often? Maybe people would stop aspiring to sh*tty reality show fame. |Idontlikeyouinthatway|

Whitney Houston had a coke-induced heart attack and then drowned. |TheSuperficial|

Here’s some babies dancing. |Videogum|

Cat survives 19-story fall. |TheDailyWhat|

Jade Wifey… pretty sure that’s a fake name, but her boobs are nice. |GorillaMask|

8 words you can’t say on the internet in China. |HolyTaco|

Subscribe to the Frotcast on iTunes. Fan FilmDrunk on Facebook. Follow Vince on Twitter. Nominate for Comments of the Week.

Haven't the Pittsburgh Pirates suffered enough?

In Wide Release This Weekend: Abduction, Moneyball, Killer Elite, Dolphin Tale

This weekend actually has a little something for everyone, so chances are if you’re in the mood for a movie, then you’ll find something you like. Unless you’re a soccer-loving, socialist thalassophobe, in which case you’re SOL. Go rent Bridesmaids or something. Me, I’ll be at Pearl Jam 20 pretending like I’m a teen again.

Abduction

Rotten Tomatoes Score: 0%

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“This laughable yarn is intended simply as a vehicle to draw teen audiences eager to feast their eyes upon Twilight heartthrob Taylor Lautner. And, yes girls, he does take off his shirt and expose his muscled physique rather quickly into the proceedings.” – Claudia Puig, USA Today

“But Abduction is as uninterested in psychological unease as it is in innovative action, and simply shuffles together explosions, bloodless fight scenes and incongruous romantic interludes with little regard for orchestrating tension.” – Andrew Barker, Variety

Armchair Analysis: A few weeks ago, Vince asked me on the Frotcast what my top awkward movie laugh moment was, and I know that if I saw this movie in the theater, it would be when Lautner says, “Not if I find you first.” I laugh hysterically every time the commercial airs. This movie could be the funniest of the year.

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If you’d been in my apartment five seconds ago, you would’ve heard me make a high-pitched noise like a dolphin and fall to the floor.  To make a long story short, Dolphin Tale has a trailer.  To refresh your memory, Dolphin Tale is the heart-warming, real-life story of a bionic dolphin created by Morgan Freeman and Marine Biologist Harry Connick Jr., a dolphin whose never-say-die attitude inspires a nation of wounded soldiers and disabled kids.  I don’t know what else to say, because nothing I write here could be better than the screengrab at the top of this page.  My God, it is magical.  Oh, I also made it a gif.

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HELP ME, DAMMIT! I'M HARRY CONNICK JR, THE FAMOUS MARINE BIOLOGIST!

I’ve been following Dolphin’s Tale, the heartwarming tale of a robo-dolphin from the director of Air Bud, since I first heard about it, and if ComingSoon‘s latest set pictures prove anything, it’s that it’s happening!  It’s really happening!  Here’s the plot, to refresh your memory:

“Dolphin” is inspired by the true story of a dolphin named Winter who was rescued off the Florida coast and taken in by the Clearwater Marine Aquarium. The movie version centers on an introverted, 11-year-old boy who befriends an injured dolphin who lost her tail in a crab trap. Through their bond and friendship, the boy motivates everyone around him to help save the dolphin by creating a prosthetic appendage. The mammal’s strong survival instincts become an inspiration to people with special needs. [Reuters]

I want to make sweet butt sex to that synopsis.  SHE’S A SPECIAL-NEEDS DOLPHIN… WITH A SPECIAL NEED… TO WARM YOUR RETARDED HEART!

Wait, did I mention the dolphin’s robot tail was built by none other than MORGAN FREEMAN, THE KINDLY OLD BLACK MAN WHO DESIGNED THE BATMOBILE??? BECAUSE F*CK YEAH IT WAS.

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